


To The Boy With Green Eyes

by Loveevak, nessauepa



Category: SKAM (Norway), SKAM (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Cheesy!Even, Depressive Episode, Desperate!Even, Desperate!Isak, Emails, Hurt/Comfort, Isak is a little shit, Letters, M/M, Notes, Pen Pals, Secret Admirer, Self Loathing, Slow Build, Slow Burn, extra!Even, isak is in the closet
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-11
Updated: 2018-05-14
Packaged: 2019-03-16 23:09:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 74,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13646373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loveevak/pseuds/Loveevak, https://archiveofourown.org/users/nessauepa/pseuds/nessauepa
Summary: Isak starts receiving anonymous letters from his so called secret admirer..Another secret admirer AU with lots of notes and letters but this time with two different authors writing each character, trying to react to each letter, with basically no previous prompt. This is going to be interesting. Join us..Even's notes are written by loveevakIsak's notes are written by nessauepa





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So basically, loveevak is in Even's shoes and writes the letter.  
> Nessauepa is in Isak's shoes and replies to the letter accordingly.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak receives an anonymous note from his so called secret admirer.

> _To the boy with the most beautiful smile and mesmerizing green eyes,_
> 
> _First of all, I'd like to apologize for not adressing you with your real name. Thing is, I don't actually know your name, but I'd love to find out._
> 
> _Moving on, I saw you in the school hallways one day, that day would be the first day of school. You were smiling and laughing with your friends. Your laugh was the most beautiful laugh I had ever heard so I had to look. And when I did, I was hooked. I've been hooked since day one. You looked so beautiful, so carefree, I couldn't help but smile to myself, couldn't help but fall for you, your smile. I kept seeing you around every day after that. And my crush on you just kept intensifying. I fell for you._
> 
> _I didn't have the courage to come up to you directly. I had no idea how to start a conversation. So instead, I'm writing it down here. I saw you at your locker the other day, that's how I know for sure that this is your locker, that I'm giving this note to the right person._
> 
> _Tell me your name, beautiful boy. Tell me everything about yourself. I want to know you. You have stolen my heart. It's all yours now. I didn't believe in love at first sight before but from the first day I saw you, I started believing in it._
> 
> _I want you to know how beautiful you are. I saw you the other day in the court yard. I passed by you but you didn't notice me. You didn't see me. But I saw you. I saw your eye colour for the first time. Your beautiful eyes. God. I almost fainted. Your eyes are hypnotizing. I looked into your empty eyes, that were staring into distance, but beautiful nevertheless. What's bothering you, my beautiful? Give me all your worries. I want to take care of you. I want to make you happy. I want to make you smile. I really want to see that beautiful smile on your face. I want to see those sparkling eyes again, those eyes when you genuinely laugh._
> 
> _God, I feel like a stalker right now. But I swear I'm not creepy. I'm just a normal person in love with you. Normal. Huh. That's funny considering... hahaha nevermind._
> 
> _I know I'm very open and straight forward in this letter. I probably seem self confident to you, but I'm not. It's just easier to say things in an anonymous letter. I'm supposed to be your secret admirer, so it make sense if I say everything that's on my mind._
> 
> _I'm already yours. Now I'm just waiting for the day you'll be mine. If ever that day comes._
> 
> _From, the person with blue eyes who is hopelessly in love with you. ~N♡_
> 
> _Ps: Here's how you can reply to me. I'll leave a plain dark green jacket in gym class. Place your letter in any of the pockets. I won't take the jacket back until we meet so that you can leave me notes or letters whenever. There will be a post it note with 'blue' written on it on the jacket for you to know that it's the one, just in case someone else has a similar one._

.

.

> Truth be told, I wasn't planning to answer you anytime soon. Or ever. I'm sorry, but this is the truth. But then I made a mistake, I told my best friend about it, his name is Jonas. And I don't know why the fuck I'm telling you his name. I guess I'm just not good at this writing thing, I don't know how to filter things out before I write them down. And now I'm too lazy to start over, so congratulations, you won Jonas' name.
> 
> I told him this was probably a prank, but then he gave me so much shit, he gave me a fucking lecture. The thing about Jonas is that he cares too much, and he loooooves giving these big speeches about oppressed people, about the poor and unfortunate. He told me I should be kind to you, that everyone is fighting a battle we know nothing about. He's a bastard.
> 
> So are you? Unfortunate? Are you fighting any battle? Well, if you like me, let me give you a heads up, you aren't the luckiest of the people, I'm literally the last person you should want to fall in love with.
> 
> And I'm not gonna lie, I still have my doubts about your letter. Is it a prank? I don't see why anyone would do something stupid like this, but people are stupid, so... If this is a prank, do me a favour and go fuck yourself, K? Do you really have all this free time? Have you ever heard of Netflix? I can recommend you some good shit: Narcos, have you ever heard about it?
> 
> But if you really are a girl with a crush on me (!), I'm sorry, just ignore the previous paragraph.
> 
> And now I'm rambling again, when all Jonas said to me was to be straightforward, so here it is: I'm sorry if you really feel like you described me, if you like me and blablabla, even if this is hard for me to believe. I'm sorry, but I'm not like this. I'm not into romance and stuff. It's just not in my blood. 
> 
> Would it help you to move on if I told you some things about me? It would be a huge turn-off, I can guarantee you.
> 
> First, I'm not boyfriend material, I'm lazy, you can find me watching Narcos, eating Cheetos and playing video games most of the time. I wouldn't buy you chocolates or roses. I wouldn't call you, I'd forget to text you. Because I'm not a considerate person.
> 
> I'm not that pretty and I don't care about putting any effort into it either. I'm not that tall or that strong. Even my eyes aren't that green, they're just this strange hazel most of the time.
> 
> I'm just this so-so person.
> 
> Was it enough? Are you running to the hills, screaming? Because you should.
> 
> I'm sorry if this wasn't of any help.
> 
> And hey, I don't think it's fair for you to know my name, when you never gave me yours. You already have Jonas' one afterall. And this is what he wins for being such a pain in the ass.
> 
> Best wishes,  
>  The master of rapping
> 
> PS: I don't know why I signed it like this, I told you, I don't know how to write letters, my brain keeps leaking things that I can't really control.
> 
> PS2: I'm sure you're a nice girl, with the heart in the right place. You'll find a nice boy who you can write love letters to. 


	2. Chapter 2

> _To the most beautiful master of rapping,_
> 
> _I don't even know where to begin. The fact that you're so naive or that you are wrong about me and about yourself? I guess I'll just go in order._
> 
> _Firstly, let me tell you how much your letter made me smile. (Hurt too but we'll get there.) You're such an adorable dork. ♡_
> 
> _Secondly, I am so grateful to Jonas. I'm so fucking glad you talked to him, because he told you to reply to me. I like this guy. Telling Jonas about me was the best mistake you've ever made. (It's not a mistake by the way.) Oh, and winning Jonas' name was the best fucking prize ever. In the world! You, my beautiful naive boy, gave me the best present ever. But since I'm replying to you in order, I'm not telling you the reason right away. It will come up later in this letter, don't worry._
> 
> _It's absolutely okay if you really didn't want to reply. I think I would have been okay if you hadn't answered back. I would have found another way to talk to you, preferably in person. But I'm so fucking happy that you replied! (Part of you wanted to reply to me, that's the reason why you are talking to me right now. Because if you didn't care at all, you wouldn't have listened to Jonas or anyone really. You are your own person and are allowed to do whatever you like.)_
> 
> _Okay, next thing. Jonas sounds like a great person. He cares so much. I'm glad you have a friend like him. I would definitely get along with him if we ever meet, I guess. But anyway, I understand why you would think this is a prank, but I promise to you, from the bottom of my heart, that this isn't. That I really do like you. A lot._
> 
> _He's right. Everyone's fighting a battle. And yes, I am fighting one too. Everyday. I still don't think I have fully accepted myself yet but to answer your question, yes. I am unfortunate. Things are really hard sometimes. Sometimes I just want to give up because fighting every day gets exhausting. Like what's the point? But you, you make me want to fight harder. You give me a purpose to want to fight. YOU are the point. Maybe that's a bit unhealthy but I don't care. Everyone needs a purpose and I guess you're mine._
> 
> _But_ _don't talk like that! I am the luckiest that you chose to talk to me._
> 
> _This is not a prank, beautiful boy. I totally get you. People do pull pranks like these all the time but I would never do that to you or to anyone else. Now I feel terrible. Maybe I should have just talked to you in person somehow... because then, at least I would have been able to seem chill. In my letters, I lose myself. I lose all my chill and capture down everything that comes to my mind. I just feel so comfortable and free to write everything that's on my mind. I would never be able to say it out loud before knowing if you felt the same way. This way, it's easier. But this way, I suppose it seems like a prank. Maybe this was a mistake. But I don't think I can back out now because I have to prove to you that this is real. My feelings are real._
> 
> _You're right about those people, they waste their time just to play with people's feelings. That's such a horrible thing to do. But I promise that I'm not one of them. And I'm not wasting my time. Talking to you is not a waste of time. It's precious. I do actually know about Netflix and Narcos. Good choice♡_
> 
> _A girl with a crush. Hm. Let me come back to that later._
> 
> _It's okay if you aren't into romance, if you don't want to be with me. The main purpose of my letter was to just let you know how beautiful you are and how much I like you. How much you affect me. But more importantly, just a way to talk to you, to get to know you better. Any way I can have you in my life, I'll take it. We can be friends. Or just pen pals. I don't mind. As long as you're happy. As long as you know how amazing you are. Or how beautiful you look when you smile so wide that your eyes cringle. Or your cute dimples. Another purpose of my letters was to know if you're doing well? To know if you're okay? Because you seem sad. And it looks like nobody else notices it. But I do. So talk to me, love. Tell me what's on your mind? Or if not me, talk to a friend. I care about you._
> 
> _You were and have been so appealing to me since the first day I saw you. Don't talk yourself down like that._
> 
> _So what you're an introvert? Big deal. Being an introvert doesn't make you any less of a person. If you even know the days, no weeks I have spent in bed doing nothing but sleep, you would know that I would never see you like that or ever look down on you. You love video games, just like any other guy would. Lots of girls play video games too. So? What's your point here? How is this a turn off? In fact, this would only make me happier. This would be a great advantage! Because we could cuddle and stay in all day just kissing each other and maybe more. But I don't think that's ever happening. It's just nice to imagine and show others your thoughts._
> 
> _I don't need you to buy me roses or call me. That's what I am here for! I want to shower you in love and affection. I will buy you roses and chocolates and gifts even if you hate it, even if you're not romantic. I will take you on dates anyway. I'll double or triple text you if you forget to text me or reply to me. I'll call you first, no worries. You aren't the problem here, love. Please don't talk yourself down like that._
> 
> _You are fucking gorgeous! You're a natural beauty, shut up. You don't need to put in effort because you're already breathtaking. You're irresistible. Why do you think I couldn't wait until you noticed me to finally talk to you? Because I couldn't resist you. I would probably do anything for you. I would even cut open my chest for you just to see that gorgeous smile on your face._
> 
> _My plan was to actually get you to notice me first. Once that was done, I was going to look for ways to talk to you. But I couldn't wait anymore. I couldn't resist you._
> 
> _What do you mean you aren't tall enough? You're probably like the tallest guy in your year! Are you a first year or second? I'm a third year by the way._
> 
> _Besides, I like that you're a bit shorter than me. Because I just want to protect you and keep you safe. But you're also closer to my heart. You could hear those heartbeats that only beat for you.♡_
> 
> _Your eyes. Are you kidding me? I love your fucking eyes! Your eyes do change colour all the time but that's my favourite part of it! Silly boy, how can't you see how amazing you are, your eyes are? They give me this weird feeling inside my chest. Like warmth and happiness. It makes me feel full. Your eyes are captivating. They allured me to you. They made me fall in love. Your eyes are everything._
> 
> _Does it look like I'm running to the hills? I'm right here, love. I'm not going anywhere._
> 
> _And the name thing. Here it is. Isak. What a beautiful name. Just like you. Gosh, Isak. It suits you. I even love your name and how it sounds. Isak. Isak. I love it so much. I can't stop saying it from the time I found out._
> 
> _Oh, you must be wondering how? I basically typed Jonas' name on instagram and his profile popped up. It was easier to find since we have a few mutuals. So thank you for giving me the best gift ever! Jonas' name!_
> 
> _You were so adorable! I just want to hug you and cuddle you. You look like a very cute baby in your pictures. Also, I wouldn't exactly say you're the master of rapping. You're cute, even great but the master? Nah. But don't worry, you'll get there! ♡_
> 
> _By the way, Isak? This is a letter. You can open your heart as much as you like. You can write whatever you feel or want to say. Whatever that comes to your mind. Don't feel ashamed for saying too much. I like that you're speaking your mind._
> 
> _Take care of yourself, handsome. And believe in yourself. Love yourself. You're important. You're loved. And you're attractive._
> 
> _Love, your lover._
> 
> _Ps: I don't want any other guy to write love letters to. I just want you. Whether it be as a pen pal, friend, boyfriend or frenemy. Though I really hope not a frenemy. But it's you, only you that I want._
> 
> _Ps2: My sweet sweet boy, I'm not a girl. I'm a 19 year old boy. I know this makes things worse because you're probably not even into boys but we could still be friends. Please?_
> 
> _Ps3: Is that girl Saranors in your IG post your girlfriend? I must admit, I'm a bit jealous and a bit hurt but if you're happy, I'm happy for you. I can cope. I only want the best for you. I only want to see you happy._
> 
> _Ps4: I'm not a creepy stalker, believe me. I'm not going to kill you in your sleep or anything. I'm just a guy who has a crush on you. I'm sure you'd be stalking your crush too if you had one. It's just what us teenagers do._

.

.

> I don't know why, but it seems important somehow to be honest with you, maybe it's because writing things down feels more meaningful than saying them out loud. Everyone can pretend to forget the words after they disappeared into the air, but you can't deny you said something registered in the paper, right?
> 
> So here it goes: I shredded your letter in a million pieces, and I threw it in the trash. I'm sorry. I didn't do that because I don't give a shit or because I was trying to be mean. I don't know why I did that, to be honest, I guess I was just afraid that someone would read it. Being completely open, reading that letter made my stomach knot, and I had to skip classes that day. You kind of fucked me up, man.
> 
> But I'm not saying it was your fault. It wasn't. Ok?
> 
> And I wasn't planning on writing back. I was just going to push all of this to the back of my mind, just like I do with everything else. But then I'm drunk! I'm drunk, I'm drunk, I'm drunk, I'm drunk. Ha, can you see the beats of a rap here too? I'm drunk, I'm drunk, I'm drunk, I'm drunk, I'm drunk, I'm drunk. And I'm alone. I'm so fucking alone.
> 
> Right now, it's the middle of the night, and I'm here in front of your jacket, in the school. I didn't plan it, my feet simply took me here before I even realized it. And here I am, out of nowhere, which explains why you’re receiving this letter in paper towels. I hope you don't mind it.
> 
> I’m writing this because I wanted to ask you something. Something I have never asked anyone else before. Can you maybe explain it to me? How do you make yourself like boys and not care about it? How do you do that? And now I probably sound like a homophobe, but I'm not. Promise.  It's a legitimate question isn't it? How do you do that? Is it difficult? Or does it just come naturally to you?
> 
> You know, I have read a lot of people saying all kind of stuff on the internet. And man, when the aliens come to Earth and end all of this, and all that is left from humanity is the registers on the internet, fuck, this will be so shameful. Because people there just want to see the world burning, they don't give a shit about giving the real answers.
> 
> Actually, I have a roommate, and he’s gay. I mean, completely gay. Gay-gay. Like Kim Kardashian gay. Are you like that too? It's ok if you are, I don't judge. I just don't get why people would be like that, putting themselves at risk. It's just not logical, it's a matter of self-preservation. Like, I get boys liking boys, they were born this way, but why would they choose to show this off? I never understood that, and I never dared to ask my roommate either. I have no idea what he'd say.
> 
> Eskild said to me once that the very first thought that crossed his mind after coming out was “What was I waiting for?” I never forgot that, I don't know why. I thought it was nice. And great, now I just gave you Eskild’s name too. I should probably just save your time and give you a list.
> 
> But what do you think about that? “What was I waiting for?” Isn't it nice? Was this what you thought too? Did you feel like breathing? Did you start sleeping?
> 
> I don't sleep cuz’ sleep is the cousin of death.
> 
> And I'm sorry again if I destroyed your letter. It seemed like you put a lot of effort into it, you have a nice letter. And I don't remember anymore all that you said there. I'm sorry. But I do remember you apologized and tried to justify yourself about being too open about your feelings. From someone who is closed like a shell? Don't. I'm jealous of people that know how to do that. Scream your feelings from the top of a mountain if you can. I wish I could do that. I mean literally, can you imagine how liberating it'd feel to scream your feelings, to be brave enough to yell at the top of your lungs, your most profound thoughts for the whole city to hear? To do that and not give a shit?
> 
> And you were right, it's easier to write feelings down on the paper. Otherwise, you’d never have any glimpses of my mind, trust me. No one has any idea who I am, not even Jonas. Not my family certainly. Not even myself.
> 
> Actually, you were right about a lot of things in your letter, just not about me. You just like me because you don't know me. And since you seemed so raw in your letter, and mainly because I'm drunk, I’ll tell you something I’d never admit to your face. Your words made me feel conflicted. And it's true that shame was the ultimate feeling, but it also left me with a feeling, something good, that I can't explain. Maybe it's because anyone would feel that way getting such an ego boost.
> 
> You’re nice.
> 
> But I still don't get it, why are you writing letters to me? What do you want from me? I hope you know I'm not hooking up with you.
> 
> Have you ever hooked up with a boy? Did you like it? How is the feeling? Is the same as with a girl? When did you know you wanted boys? 
> 
> Can I ask you just one more thing? Do you think the mind can control the body? That it takes a lot of willpower and self-discipline, but it's possible to conquer anything? I think about it a lot, and I believe if you genuinely try, maybe you can be whoever you want. Do you agree with that? That everything is possible and it just depends on us? That you can control everything?
> 
> And I'm sorry if you didn't realize I was a mess like this before you contacted me. I'm sorry if I can't be your pen pal, friend or anything like that. I'm sorry, I don't know how to do that.
> 
> Isak,
> 
> The shell
> 
> Ps: Is this jacket yours? Because I like the way it smells. Actually, I had to pull this note out of your pocket again, just to add this. I like the way it smells. Ok?
> 
> Ps2: And please, can you not tell anyone about any of this?
> 
> Ps3: And I'm sorry for wasting your time, it seemed important to say that.
> 
> Ps4: Thank you, it seemed even more important to say this. You were nice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The most exciting part is we didn't even know how Isak/Even would react to our letters so we wait for the other to write it down. We don't even discuss anything about our characters. It's like we only know about our character and not the other's. (Like only Henrik knew Even was bipolar)


	3. Chapter 3

  _ **4 days later**_  

 

> You never replied to me, but my note isn't in your pocket anymore and you never took your jacket back either. So I don't know what to take from it.
> 
> I'm sorry about my last letter, I was drunk and I know it isn't enough of an excuse. And this doesn't mean things there weren't all true either.
> 
> I didn't mean to make you sad. I'm sorry if you’re sad because of me. But you understand now what I was trying to say about me? I'm not a people person, I always say the wrong things, trying to make a joke but being hurtful instead, acting driven by shyness or shame or alcohol. I should just be forbidden from living on society.
> 
> Ok, you didn't reply. It shouldn’t bother me really, because I don't know you, but you said all those nice things. It seemed like you cared a little. It was a nice feeling.
> 
> I don't want a penpal. And I realize I'm the one writing to you again. And the truth is I don't know what I want most of the time. But it was nice having someone to talk to. It was like I wasn’t all alone anymore. You helped me sleep, too.
> 
> Thanks for the kindness you gave me. And I don't blame you for not replying anymore. I push away everyone, always, it's all on me.
> 
> It's ok that you finally ran to the hills, I’d do the same.
> 
> Goodbye, N. 
> 
> Isak

. 

.

_**The next day** _

Isak found a letter with a note stuck to it inside his locker.

 

> _To Isak,_
> 
> _Please read this little note first before you read the other letter. I'm sorry I didn't reply to you earlier. I started writing that letter but I needed time because I was so bewildered._
> 
> _You said a few things that hurt me. You said you didn't want to be friends or pen pals or anything._   _But you asked me a few questions. And I was really confused. I didn't know if I should reply? I wanted to give up on trying to be anything to you. Friend? Pen pal? Yeah, you didn't want one. But mainly, I was confused whether to reply or not because you said you were drunk. Maybe you didn't mean to send it? Sometimes we just do things while we're drunk, things that we would normally never do while sober._
> 
> _It took me 2 days to decide that I was going to write one last letter to you, a goodbye letter basically, where I would also answer all your questions. So I started writing it. Slowly. Because I wanted to answer your questions perfectly. I didn't want to rush. I wanted to be able to think clearly and explain everything properly._
> 
> _But then I saw you yesterday in the locker room, putting a note in my jacket and then running your hands along the smooth cloth like you really loved it, I realized that maybe you didn't really want me to leave. That you still wanted to talk to me.That you didn't know what you were talking about when you said you didn't want a pen pal._
> 
> _Why? Because look at you. You said you don't want a pen pal, yet you're still writing letters to me. Deep down, you want this. You want a friend who you can talk to, open up to. Either you are in denial or you just haven't realized it._
> 
> _I made a promise to you. I said I would leave that jacket there until we finally meet. I'm just keeping my promise. I had no hopes that you would send another letter but I wanted to keep my promise._
> 
> _You also mentioned how my jacket smells nice. How you love the scent. That was another reason I left it there._
> 
> _I'm really sorry it took me some time to reply back. But I've finally realized that you need someone. And I promise to be here for you whenever._
> 
> _I promise you will never be alone again. I will never run to the hills. I will never run away from you no matter how much you hurt me. It's clear that you need someone. I will be that someone for you. ♡_
> 
> _You wanna know why? Because I think I see myself in you. Or rather the old me. Closed off. So many questions. Feeling alone. A bit of internalized homophobia. Conflicted. Though I still feel alone most of the time. But I never want you to feel alone ever again._
> 
> _It doesn't make me like you any lesser. I just want to be there for you like I wanted someone to be there for me when I felt like I had no one. But there wasn't anyone really, except my girlfriend. The worst part is, she never understood me and always tried to control me. She was there for me but I had to give up all of my control to her._
> 
> _I would never do that to you. I would treat you the right way._
> 
> _My parents were there for me too, I guess. But they are the parents. That's their job. They are stuck with me._
> 
> _Oh btw, Isak. How the hell can you say you should be abandonned from society? No way! Come on, most teenagers are like that. (Like you described.) It doesn't mean they should be kicked out, thrown away! The most important thing is that you didn't mean to hurt anyone. You don't do it intentionally, right? It happens, love. Don't say stuff like that. (That you should be forbidden from society!) It's okay, you'll learn. You'll be better. Just learn from your mistakes. Try to be more open. Talk. Feel. Don't be closed off. Learn. Educate yourself. Try to better yourself. Try to love yourself. Be your great self, that you already are. ;)_
> 
> _Omg, I literally lose myself when I talk about you, gosh. I was gonna go on and on about how amazing you are, how gorgeous and how adorable._
> 
> _There might a few things you need to improve yourself in, but other than that, you're amazing!_
> 
> _Love, BN._
> 
> _Ps: You already have guy friends. Why not one more, hm? (Meeee)_
> 
> _Ps2: Of course I cared. I will always care. I care about you, a lot._
> 
> _Ps3: Please do not shred and throw this note and letter in the trash this time. I don't think my heart can take that. I kept your letters safely in a box named Isak. Yes, letters. Plural. Even the paper towels. Because it's YOU who wrote them to me. They are special even if they hurt me._
> 
> _Ps4: I can't believe you still didn't notice me. I was RIGHT there in the locker room. I had just finished my gym class and entered the locker room. And there you were, looking beautiful as ever in front of my jacket. I suppose I was out of your line of sight. Explains why you didn't notice me._

. 

. 

> Hi, BN! 
> 
> I'm writting this in a hurry, I left Jonas waiting for me in front of my locker to run here to leave you this. I don't know exactly why I felt this urge.
> 
> I didn't read your letter yet, just the note. But I want to say something before I do that. Thank you and I'm sorry.
> 
> I'm sorry, I truly am. I'm so sorry that I hurt you. I promise you I'm not throwing this letter. I just did that because I'm an idiot. 
> 
> And thank you because I wasn't expecting to hear from you ever again. And I'd totally get it. But when I saw this in my locker it made me so happy. My heart is beating so fast. I don't know if it's because I came running.
> 
> I thought a lot yesterday after I sent you my last note, and I decided something. It doesn't matter what you wrote in your letter, I'm still happy you wrote to me in the first place.
> 
> I'd have understood if you had decided to be done with me. I promise I wouldn't be mad at you. But you said you'd stick with me. And, BN,  I want it, you know. To be your pen pal. Fuck it!
> 
> You think we can keep writing to each other? Just writing and nothing else? Would you be ok with that?
> 
> Because I think I could do that. If you want.
> 
> Thank you, BN, for writing me back when I didn't deserve it.
> 
> Isak.
> 
> Ps: I'd never notice you. It's not personal, I'm just the most obtuse person on the Earth. Sometimes I think I'm myopic. Really.
> 
> Ps2: Need to head back, no one can stay between Jonas and his kebab.
> 
> Ps3: But I'm happy. Thank you for writing to me again.
> 
> Ps4: I'm little scared about your letter.
> 
> Ps5: You are so nice. I have never had anyone being so gentle to me. But I'm not gonna lie, I don't know how to even react. You're nice, Bjorn Noah? Am I right?

.

.

> Fuck, I can’t read your letter.

> I can’t read your letter! Hahahaha. I know, it's ridiculous.
> 
> I got home, put your letter on my nightstand and kept looking at it. But I couldn't make myself fucking read it. Because I know what you are gonna say. You are gonna realize things about me I don't want you to.
> 
> And I already read your note and you said you'd still keep writing to me, but I don't want to read your letter. I mean, I want, desperately, but I don't want to know all the ways I hurt you and face all the things I wrote. 
> 
> I can't believe I had someone thinking about me, such nice things, and then I changed that in less than a week. I didn't want you to stop seeing me that same way you did, before you talked to me.
> 
> So what do I do? Do I fucking read your letter? No. I drank. Because this is what I do when I get stressed. I drank a lot, BN. I drank, Bjorn. And then I write to you.
> 
> I don't want to stop this. It’s the first time anyone has seen me, really see me. Promise me you won't leave me? And this is absurd, you already wrote your letter. It's on my nightstand. All the answers are there.
> 
> I guess I'm using you now like a oracle. Like my eight ball. Someone that can hear me, someone that can answer me.
> 
> I have never had an eight ball. I don't know how it works. Does it answer just yes or no? Does it answer with random phrases? I saw it in the movies, but I can't quite remember.
> 
> BN, Bruno? Are you a Bruno? Bertrand? Bjorn? I always picture you as a Bjorn. What does BN stand for? I'm so curious...you know, Noah is one of the commonest names. Are you a Noah?
> 
> Commonest. Isn't this a weird word? I can't quite remember how to write it anymore. And now I'm thinking about my Norwegian teacher and I'm picturing her mumbling "mhmhmhmmhmhh" like Charlie Brown's teacher  Have you ever seen this cartoon? I like it.
> 
> Don't you like the things that cross your mind when you are drunk? When you are high? It's a real trip.
> 
> And I drink too much, BN. More than I should. I'm only seventeen.
> 
> Ok, I'm depositing this note. And then I'm heading home. And I'm fucking reading your letter. It's a promise. Tonight.
> 
> And no matter what, thank you, BN. You were so nice. So gentle. Thank you for this letter. And I'm sorry for this spam in your jacket.
> 
> I'm gonna get home and read your letter. Straightforward.
> 
> Bye
> 
> :)
> 
> Isak,
> 
> Master of Procrastination.
> 
>  
> 
> Procrastination
> 
> Eight ball
> 
> Dodge ball
> 
> Charlie brown
> 
> Ice cream ball
> 
> B.
> 
> N.
> 
> Rap about BN
> 
> Super nice 
> 
> Pretty letter
> 
> BN
> 
> Nineteen
> 
> He can
> 
> Buy me beer
> 
> Eight ball
> 
> Tell to me
> 
> What is there
> 
> BN
> 
> 99'
> 
> BN
> 
> Scary letter
> 
> Dodgeball
> 
> Crazy note
> 
> Drunk text
> 
> How to end
> 
> BN
> 
> Bjorn
> 
> Bruno
> 
> Bertrand
> 
> Brendan
> 
> Brendan?
> 
> I don't like Brendan
> 
> Don't be a Brendan
> 
> Please
> 
> BN
> 
> What is your name
> 
> BN
> 
> So, now I'm going....where? Say it with me, hooome. Et telephone home.
> 
> So, I guess this wasn't a note that has worthed a life.
> 
> Isak,
> 
> Master of reading letters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you just knew the letter loveevak is writting for next chapter.  
> :clap: :clap: :clap:


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just to make it clear, because it will get confusing, the beginning of Even's letter here is written between chapter 2 and 3. (2 days before he receives Isak's first note in chapter 3)  
> This chapter is all Even's letter and notes. Nothing from Isak.  
> First is the letter, then Even's same note from chapter 3 and then Even's reply to Isak's last 2 notes in chapter 3. (Since Even receives the 2 notes before Isak reads the letter. So the next day Even leaves the last note in Isak's locker)

> _To the confused boy, Isak_
> 
> _I just want to say I am really sorry for everything. I didn't mean to hurt you in any way. But you hurt me too._ _I suppose you're probably right about me being a fuck up._
> 
> _You said you tore apart my letter and threw it away. It hurt reading that. But I'm glad you decided to be honest about it._
> 
> _"You kind of fucked me up, man." I did, didn't I? Because of me, you had to skip classes. Because of me, you felt sick. It was all me. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. But I realized that yes, I'm still a fuck up. I always fuck up my relationships with everyone. I'm a burden and I always hurt the people I love. I'm not even surprised I did that to you. It's basically my nature, my personality now. To destroy people I love._
> 
> _You say I fucked you up and then you say it wasn't my fault. Are you kidding me? What's going on in your beautiful mind? It's absolutely my fault! I fucked you up. I hurt you. It is my fault! And I'm sorry I put you in this position. I shouldn't even have entered your life in the first place. I'm sorry for ruining you. I didn't mean to. But I guess that's what makes me, ME. A fuck up who just ruins everyone's lives._
> 
> _You know, when I read that you're drunk, I thought that maybe you didn't really want to send that letter. Because you said you weren't planning to write to me ever again. That hurt a lot too. But I get it. Who am I? Just some stalker who claims he loves you? Probably. You deserve better. You don't need a fuck up like me in your life anyway ~~~~. Besides, you said it yourself, you never wanted to speak to me again. The only reason you replied was because you were drunk._
> 
> _It took me a while to decide whether to reply to you or not. And of course, my final decision was to reply since you asked me a few questions. You asked to be educated. So I decided, at least you deserve to be educated on sexualities and personalities and likes and dislikes. But before I start that, I just wanted to let you know that this is probably the last letter I am sending you. You don't even want me as a friend. It's fine. You deserve better anyway._
> 
> _I don't "make" myself like boys. It's just who I am and who I like. You don't "make" yourself like people. You just do. It's a feeling. It's something you enjoy. If you're "making" yourself like someone, you don't really like them. You're just pretending. So no, I don't make myself like boys._
> 
> _Do you really think coming out is easy? Do you actually think that people are comfortable with themselves when they realize they like people of the same gender?_
> 
> _It's not easy, Isak. It's never easy. You start thinking 'what's so wrong with me? I'm not supposed to be like this'. There's lots of self loathing. You feel disguted with yourself, ashamed even. It's really difficult to come to terms with it, to accept it._
> 
> _What do you mean by gay-gay? You think liking Kim Kardashian is gay? What does that even mean? I'm so glad you didn't say this to Eskild or anyone else. Because that's very ignorant and people would get extremely mad at you._
> 
> _Gay. Gay is a person, mainly boys but others too, who like people of the same gender and enjoy having sex with them. Only with the same gender. That's all what gay means. Gay is a homosexual person. It's a sexuality. Not a personality or other likes/dislikes. It's not a way a person dresses or walks or talks. Watching a show or listening to some pop music doesn't make a person gay. That's such a harmful generalisation._
> 
> _You don't get why people show off their love? How are heterosexual people allowed to walk down the street or anwhere in public showing PDA but not gay people? Why do people think like that? Love is love, Isak. If heteros are allowed, so should be homos. It's only fair._
> 
> _The reason why people put themselves at risk is because at least they can be themselves. At least they are comfortable with themselves. They are just trying to be themselves, Isak. I'll come back to this in a minute._
> 
> _Yes. I started sleeping again after I accepted myself. My case was bit more complicated. I was confused about my sexuality, was in love with my muslim best friend whom I kissed one night and lost that best friend right after. Well, I wasn't exactly in love with him but I had a crush on him._
> 
> _I hated myself when I realized I liked him in a romantic way. I was disgusted. I was ashamed. I couldn't look at myself. So I started reading the Quran, that's a muslim's holy book by the way, and it said that homosexuality is a sin. I believed that for a long time. It made me hate myself even more. I was going to burn in hell for it. And I managed to bring Mik in with me. To hell, I mean. By kissing him. I was devasted. I felt horrible. I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, couldn't breath, couldn't think. And then one day, I felt like I was on top of the world. I forgot everything that was written in the Quran. I only saw Mik. So I kissed him. Went all in. He freaked out and ran away. It really stung. My heart broke_  then _. Right after he ran away, I realized that I made the worst mistake ever._
> 
> _I was down for 2 or 3 months. Everything was horrible. I couldn't believe I did that to my best friend. See? Just a fuck up. Fucked it up with him too. Fucked it up with everyone. Lost all my other friends too because of this shitty thing._
> 
> _The next months were healing. My girlfriend talked to me, helped me and was simply there for me. She helped me accept myself. Soon, I came out to my parents and family. It felt good actually. Yes, what was I waiting for? Slowly but surely, I started accepting myself. I started feeling comfortable with myself. It takes a lot to accept yourself but once you do, it makes you feel like you're finally free. I felt like my mind, my soul were finally set free. I was at peace with myself. I could finally breath. I could finally sleep._
> 
> _If heteros can show off their love, why can't I? Why can't everyone else? So yes, I don't care what people would think anymore. My happiness comes before anyone else's. (Except yours. Yours always comes before mine♡)_
> 
> _People would rather get beaten up instead of being someone they are not. Because they don't want to live a fake life. They want to be real._
> 
> _Oh and I'm not gay. I'm pansexual. It means that I like people regardless of their gender. I like people. I hope I was able to educate you, to help you understand better._
> 
> _I can't believe I wrote my life story here. I would have never guessed that I would tell my story to anyone. But somehow, writing it down makes me feel lighter. The heaviness on my chest disappeared. And the person I'm writing to, is you. Which makes it even better. I just really hope you wouldn't use it against me. You don't seem like the person to do that anyway._
> 
> _I guess it was easier to write it to you because we don't know each other. Or, well, you don't know me. And obviously there's more to the story but I don't like talking about it._
> 
> _You know Nas? Omg, I should have known what with you being the master of rapping and all, haha._
> 
> _Sometimes when I feel like I'm on top of the world, I don't sleep. And then when I'm down, all I do is sleep. But whatever. Let's ignore this, shall we. I could strike it out but it's gonna look ugly. So I'm just leaving it there._
> 
> _I do. I put a lot of efforts in my letters. I want it to be perfect in all ways. The things I say. The way I write. Everything. (You probably guessed it from my last paragraph.) But anyways, I guess now you understand why i am so hurt? Why I needed time? I'm sorry if you're actually waiting for a reply for the past 3 days. I'm just taking my time to answer everything._
> 
> _I totally understand you, how it feels to be so closed off. To have so many questions and so many things to say but can't because of the fear of rejection or being taken wrong. I'm sorry you're feeling like you can't talk to anyone. I voluntereed, you know. I still volunteer. One word and I'll change my mind. I'll send you a thousand more letters if you just say the word. But it's you who doesn't want me in your life, so my only choice is to leave. I feel like you're probably not even waiting for a reply. But I really needed to say all the things I've said above. Really needed to answer you. Educate you. Because I was afraid. What if you asked someone else? Eskild? He or someone else would be so mad at you. But some stranger? I couldn't stop thinking about the worse. Them literally hurting you. Physically. And then, that'd be my fault too. You, hurt, because of me. Because I decided not to answer to you because of my selfishness._
> 
> _I literally explained in my previous letter that I want you in my life anyway. You think I only want to hook up with you? How could you even think that, lovely one? I'm writing letters to you because I like you, because I care about you. Because talking to you makes me happy._
> 
> _By hook up, if you mean sex then no, I haven't hooked up with a boy before. I've only kissed one boy, Mik. I explained the whole story above. It happened last year. He was the one who made me realize I like boys too._
> 
> _Your question about the mind controlling the body is a bit hard because, once again, in my case, it's complicated. I can tell you one thing for sure. If you're completely normal, you can do anything you put your mind to. I suppose the mind can control your body. To think about it, my mind controls my body too. So I guess, yes our minds can control ourselves. But it doesn't always control in the right way, I guess? This is just complicated, too hard to explain. But i think YOU, my dear, can do anything. Can conquer anything. Can overcome anything. I'm sorry I couldn't be of much help in this. But I tried at least. I hope it counts?_
> 
> _Isak... I got your note about not replying to you sooner. I'm so sorry. I already explained why in the beginning of the letter and in the note I asked you to read first. I wrote half of this letter yesterday and the other half day before yesterday. I was gonna finish it off today saying goodbye, but then I got your note and immediately read it. And now I realized so many things. Shit, I'm so sorry. I made everything about myself in this letter. You need me. You're just confused and in denial. You probably have read the note I've stuck to this letter. I need you to read that note once again after reading this letter._
> 
> _Forget those things I said in this letter about this being the last letter to you. No way. This is not goodbye. I'm here. I'm always here. I can't believe I missed the part where you said you feel alone in your last letter. Ugh, how could I? I'm so stupid._
> 
> _I really don't want you to feel alone. I want to be here for you. I can't believe I missed that part. After I got your note today, I read your "paper towel" letter again (that's kinda funny hehe) and I realized I was so focused on my own pain, that I couldn't acknowledge yours. I'm sorry. I really am. I promise I'm here._
> 
> _I can't believe I was the one who helped you sleep at night and I was the one who made you feel less alone. Fuck. I should have realized earlier. You're clearly going through something and I decided to make this about me, ugh. I'm sorry, my beautiful. I'm here. I'm available 24/7. Talk to me whenever. I'll try to reply as soon as possible._
> 
> _Back to your paper towel letter. Yes, that's my jacket. You don't know how much I smile when I read that part. You love my scent? You can have the jacket. It's yours now. I'll probably have to keep another one for you to send me letters. But I don't mind. Anything for you. ♡_
> 
> _Why in the world would I tell anyone about this? About you? I understand you can't trust me, I'm just a stranger but I'll keep my word no matter what. I'll prove to you that I'm worth trusting. I hope that you already understood, that I wouldn't tell anyone anything, from this letter itself. You know, fear of you getting hurt and all._
> 
> _Love, BN._
> 
> _Ps: In case I haven't made it clear yet,_   _I'm not here because I want to hook up with you. I'm here because I like you. And I want you in my life in anyway possible. Of course you threw away my letter after tearing it into million pieces so you obviously don't remember me saying this, but I'm fine with you as a friend or a pen pal. And if we were to ever hook up, it would never be meaningless. It would be special and it would be as us being boyfriends._
> 
> _Ps2: Read my note again after reading this letter._

_._

_._   

> _To Isak,_
> 
> _Please read this little note first before you read the other letter. I'm sorry I didn't reply to you earlier. I started writing that letter but I needed time because I was so bewildered._
> 
> _You said a few things that hurt me. You said you didn't want to be friends or pen pals or anything._   _But you asked me a few questions. And I was really confused. I didn't know if I should reply? I wanted to give up on trying to be anything to you. Friend? Pen pal? Yeah, you didn't want one. But mainly, I was confused whether to reply or not because you said you were drunk. Maybe you didn't mean to send it? Sometimes we just do things while we're drunk, things that we would normally never do while sober._
> 
> _It took me 2 days to decide that I was going to write one last letter to you, a goodbye letter basically, where I would also answer all your questions. So I started writing it. Slowly. Because I wanted to answer your questions perfectly. I didn't want to rush. I wanted to be able to think clearly and explain everything properly._
> 
> _But then I saw you yesterday in the locker room, putting a note in my jacket and then running your hands along the smooth cloth like you really loved it, I realized that maybe you didn't really want me to leave. That you still wanted to talk to me.That you didn't know what you were talking about when you said you didn't want a pen pal._
> 
> _Why? Because look at you. You said you don't want a pen pal, yet you're still writing letters to me. Deep down, you want this. You want a friend who you can talk to, open up to. Either you are in denial or you just haven't realized it._
> 
> _I made a promise to you. I said I would leave that jacket there until we finally meet. I'm just keeping my promise. I had no hopes that you would send another letter but I wanted to keep my promise._
> 
> _You also mentioned how my jacket smells nice. How you love the scent. That was another reason I left it there._
> 
> _I'm really sorry it took me some time to reply back. But I've finally realized that you need someone. And I promise to be here for you whenever._
> 
> _I promise you will never be alone again. I will never run to the hills. I will never run away from you no matter how much you hurt me. It's clear that you need someone. I will be that someone for you. ♡_
> 
> _You wanna know why? Because I think I see myself in you. Or rather the old me. Closed off. So many questions. Feeling alone. A bit of internalized homophobia. Conflicted. Though I still feel alone most of the time. But I never want you to feel alone ever again._
> 
> _It doesn't make me like you any lesser. I just want to be there for you like I wanted someone to be there for me when I felt like I had no one. But there wasn't anyone really, except my girlfriend. The worst part is, she never understood me and always tried to control me. She was there for me but I had to give up all of my control to her._
> 
> _I would never do that to you. I would treat you the right way._
> 
> _My parents were there for me too, I guess. But they are the parents. That's their job. They are stuck with me._
> 
> _Oh btw, Isak. How the hell can you say you should be abandonned from society? No way! Come on, most teenagers are like that. (Like you described.) It doesn't mean they should be kicked out, thrown away! The most important thing is that you didn't mean to hurt anyone. You don't do it intentionally, right? It happens, love. Don't say stuff like that. (That you should be forbidden from society!) It's okay, you'll learn. You'll be better. Just learn from your mistakes. Try to be more open. Talk. Feel. Don't be closed off. Learn. Educate yourself. Try to better yourself. Try to love yourself. Be your great self, that you already are. ;)_
> 
> _Omg, I literally lose myself when I talk about you, gosh. I was gonna go on and on about how amazing you are, how gorgeous and how adorable._
> 
> _There might a few things you need to improve yourself in, but other than that, you're amazing!_
> 
> _Love, BN._
> 
> _Ps: You already have guy friends. Why not one more, hm? (Meeee)_
> 
> _Ps2: Of course I cared. I will always care. I care about you, a lot._
> 
> _Ps3: Please do not shred and throw this note and letter in the trash this time. I don't think my heart can take that. I kept your letters safely in a box named Isak. Yes, letters. Plural. Even the paper towels. Because it's YOU who wrote them to me. They are special even if they hurt me._
> 
> _Ps4: I can't believe you still didn't notice me. I was RIGHT there in the locker room. I had just finished my gym class and entered the locker room. And there you were, looking beautiful as ever in front of my jacket. I suppose I was out of your line of sight. Explains why you didn't notice me._

.

.

_**The next morning** _

> _To the gorgeous boy, Isak_
> 
> _I totally get why you can't read the letter yet. Take your time, I don't really mind. In case you haven't read it yet, all I have said in there is just the answers to your questions. I am not judging you in any way. You wanted answers. You wanted to learn. How else are we going to learn if we don't ask? Don't be afraid._
> 
> _In the beginning of the letter, I did say it would be my last letter, but it's not my last one to you because I finally realized that you need someone. And now that you've said you want to be pen pals, I'm so full of joy and excitement! I don't mind if we're only pen pals. I promise. We can be pen pals for as long as you want. You aren't getting rid of me anytime soon, young boy. Okay, I sound like a grandpa here haha._
> 
> _You deserve to be treated with gentleness and care and love. I don't want you to ever feel alone again or like nobody wants you or that you aren't worthy of love. You are beautiful, amazing, adorable, funny and you talk in a really cute way, makes me want to burst. You are worthy of love. You deserve to be here. You deserve good things. I'm sure many people want you, including me of course. And sometimes I wonder if out of all those people, would you ever choose me? But then I remember, you probably aren't into boys so probably not._
> 
> _My vision of you didn't change. You're still the beautiful gorgeous boy i have a crush on. The boy whose pretty eyes sometimes look empty. The boy I want to know more. Nothing has changed here. I still look at you the same. You aren't a bad person, Isak._
> 
> _I know I'm in no position to say this, but please don't drink tooooo much. Don't become an alcoholic. I don't want to lose you before I even get to know you. Please don't hurt yourself like that._
> 
> _Have you watched Shameless? Frank Gallagher, the alcholic. Do you wanna end up like him? I'm sure you don't. I don't want you to. I mean yeah he survives and all, but he wouldn't have if he hadn't gotten a liver. What if you didn't get any replacement huh? And what if you did get one, but it rejects you? And even if you get it successfully, you'll have to take meds for the rest of your life. Trust me, you don't want that. Taking meds everyday for the rest of your life? It's terrible._
> 
> _This doesn't mean I'm ordering you to stop drinking. I'm just asking you to tone down a bit, for your sake. For my sake. It's because I care about you. I'm not trying to control you. You're your own person and are allowed to do whatever you want._
> 
> _If you feel like I'm trying to control you, tell me fuck off. But remember that, I never meant to control you._
> 
> _You definitely are the cutest while you're drunk though. The cutest rap ever. I hope I'll be able to hear you rap all that some day._
> 
> _Back to shameless. Do you think Mickey and Ian are soulmates? I think they are. You know, I relate to Ian in a few ways. The writers did Gallavich so dirty. I miss the old cast, the old characters. They are all gone. I haven't even watched the season after 7._
> 
> _Oh and I'm totally fine with you using me as an eight ball haha. I've never had one either._
> 
> _Who doesn't know Charlie Brown? Gosh, you're so cute. I could eat you up. Just kidding. I don't know what I'm saying honestly. Ignore this please._
> 
> _I love getting letters and notes from you. Please don't worry about sending too many. It made me smile when I saw there were 2 notes this morning. You left one note last night? Do you really come to school in the middle of the night? Damn. I think I should come to school in the middle of the night too, just to see if you've left any note/letter. But then, if you notice me, you'll know who I am. I guess, I'll just have to stick to school hours. You are just so cute. Does this really mean so much to you that you have to come in the middle of the night? It just makes me like you so much more. ♡_
> 
> _Bjorn Noah. Hahaha. That's like not even close! But if I tell you who I am, it will blow my cover, no? You'll ask around and know who I am. This pen pal thing might not work then? I don't know. What do you think?_
> 
> _Also don't worry, none of the names you mentioned are mine. None. But since I know your name, I guess it's only fair if you know what B stands for. It's Bech. I hope you don't hate it too much._
> 
> _You're 17? Hm. So you're a second year, right? I asked you that in the letter you tore into million pieces. So I never got your answer._
> 
> _You really are the master of everything aren't you? So adorable. You are the master of cuteness. Of beauty. Of being loved. Etc etc._
> 
> _Love, BechN._
> 
> _Ps: Please, don't mind me. I'm a bit tired and sleepy. It's early in the morning, I'm here at school and I just read your notes and quickly wrote this down. So ignore any stupid sleepy thoughts._
> 
> _Ps2: Stop apologizing again and again. I forgive you.♡ I've already forgotten about it. And it's nice to know that you'll keep these letters and notes this time. But I was wondering, do you still have the very first letter I gave you?_
> 
> _Ps3: I promise I won't leave you anytime soon. I'll be there for you always. And if you've read my letter, you should know that I'm not leaving you. Oh, you've read my note. It says there too. Don't be scared, lovely one. I'm here._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please a stand ovation to loveevak/Even's letter. She had such difficult questions and subjects and she nailed it. Beautifully written.


	5. Chapter 5

> You have a beautiful soul.
> 
> Yes, I finally, finally read your letter. It took me all the courage I had, but I read it. Finally.
> 
> And you have a beautiful mind. I couldn't wait to grab a pen and write this down. I hope you read it soon because it's important to me that you know that. Maybe it's because after all ways I messed up, it feels like it was my duty to tell you that.
> 
> And I'm so glad that I get to tell you that. Because these past days when you didn't reply, and I thought you were done with me, when I thought I had destroyed the last piece of paper that you’d ever send to me. It was harder than I'd expect. I wouldn't have been mad at you if you had decided to step back. But I'm happy you didn't. I got used to having you, BN.
> 
> Now I have read your letter, and fuck, you have a beautiful soul. Do you even realize how you're always nice? I say all kind of bullshits and stupidities, but you're still nice to me. I know how cheesy this sounds, but you inspire me. I wish I could be as good as you are.
> 
> You're so smart, gentle and caring. But you're wrong about something at least. You're not a fuck up. I'm sorry if I made you think you are. How can you even cogitate that? I said it again and again, it's all on me, BN. It's serious. It's all on me. It's not a kind of "It's me, not you" break up bullshit. In this case, trust me, it's not your fault, at all.
> 
> I'm kind of broken. And I know being a teenager means being scared, angry and confused. But man, do I need to be that much? I seriously doubt other teenagers are struggling like me.
> 
> I'm sorry if I hurt you, but unfortunately, this isn't exactly a surprise. I don't know how to deal with people, BN. I never meant to hurt anyone. I didn't want to hurt you. And fuck, I can't let go one more apology from my mouth.
> 
> My mother used to say that when you need to apologize too much, at some point, this loses all the meaning. And I don't want it, because it never lost the meaning for me. I meant every single one. If you only knew how much I meant every single one. I wish you believe me.
> 
> I guess the best way to amend it is just don't ever again repeat the same mistakes. I don't know if this is even possible. For now, let me tell you this one last time, I'm sorry for every single thing that made you hurt and sad. I'm sorry if I didn't take good care of your letter. I promise I'll keep this one on my nightstand, where I keep all the things I care about most, where I keep your first letter to me. Yes, I still have it.
> 
> Now it's 00:58, and I'm feeling alone. And I'm just rambling because I can't make myself answer the things from your letter. I'm ashamed.
> 
> Shame. Isn't this the worst of feelings? I'm quite familiar with a lot of bad feelings. But shame? It's one of the worst. It means you can't bear even yourself.
> 
> I can't bear myself sometimes.
> 
> Can I be completely honest? Because I don't see what would be the point of not doing it, after everything I have said to you already. The truth? It stung, BN. When I finally recognized I wanted you in my life, it was too late. Or at least this was what I thought when you wouldn't reply to me.
> 
> I was so happy when you finally did. And I know I'm a contradiction. But I'm a contradiction even inside my head.
> 
> Thanks for being so kind to me. And I think I got what you said about harmful generalization. I'm glad I didn't say that to Eskild too because he'd be one more person I’d have hurt. And I don't give a shit if he likes Kim Kardashian or talks about sucking dicks, because he's amazing, you know. If I had said that to him, maybe he’d have thought I'm ashamed of him. And he'd be so wrong. Eskild may never get to know it, but he saved my life and fuck, I love him. He saved me, for no reason. This is how incredible he is.
> 
> You remind me of him, actually. You both are so fucking good. You made me think I can be good too. You both inspire me so much.
> 
> And now I just realized I declared my undying love for Eskild. Lol. I didn't mean it THAT way, like romantically speaking. Eww. Eskild is like a brother, an annoying one. He took me home when I was lost and drunk (what a surprise) in a bar, right after everything went to hell at home with my parents. Sometimes I think about what would have happened if Eskild wasn't there. I'm thankful he was.
> 
> You know what the funniest thing is? I don't even know who the fuck is Kim Kardashian. I'm just repeating words I heard. How fucked up is that? Maybe I'd fucking love her? Maybe she is great, and I don't even know. Maybe she is a rapper and talks about sleeping being the cousin of death?
> 
> You’re right. People shouldn't be judged or defined by single things they like and do. I agree with that. I mean, if people like sucking dick, ok, this is a significant detail. But not liking any Kardashian, though.
> 
> BN, I realize this sounds totally random, but do you like music? Well, I guess this is such a dumb question, right. Who the fuck wouldn't like music? It's like saying do you like chocolates? What the fuck right. But now I just realized something, I don't like ice cream, and this is something no one believes me. Who the fuck doesn't like ice cream? So maybe you don't like music after all.
> 
> I'm asking this because I'm listening to some movie soundtracks right now. I love it. To me, music is the best part of a movie. What do you think? I mean, you can have the shittest shot ever, a fucking plastic bag in the wind, but if you add great music, this instantaneously becomes art.
> 
> I'm asking you that because I'm listening to Braveheart soundtrack right now and it always messes with me. This movie messes with me. Some would say it's about war, revolution or Mel Gibson. But I think it's also a love story. And I'm not a soft person, but fuck my life, fuck the universe if this isn't the saddest movie ever.
> 
> Have you ever watched this movie? Do you even like movies? And here I’m again with the chocolate questions. Who the fuck doesn't like movies, right. But please like movies, I like them so much.
> 
> In case you haven't seen this movie it goes like this, this guy, William Wallace, a Scottish in the 13th century, is just trying to live his life, trying to do his best. And I don't know how historically accurate this movie is, but they are ruled by those tyrannical people and surprise surprise, everything goes to hell eventually.
> 
> He started a war because of love. A fucking war. When all he wanted was to be with someone and live in peace. BN, I think I get what you said. I think I understand why people would put themselves at risk. William Wallace had a secret wedding, he married someone even if the best option would be to simply not. But he couldn't not fucking marry her. It wasn't an option. He needed to be with someone, this was something that was worth everything for him.
> 
> And it's funny how your letter made me think a lot. I always thought about people as stupid, by putting themselves at risk for no reason, uselessly. But now I think I understand. They're like William Wallace, they are starting battles, wars that they never intended for. It's not like a day they woke up and said "You know what? Great day for fighting". William Wallace would rather live peacefully with his wife. And he didn't need, but he had to be with her. And he had to join a war, because life just happened and it was between fighting or fighting. Some people just have no choice, right. Even if they're the nicest, because sometimes life just sucks.
> 
> “They may take away our lives, but they'll never take our freedom!” And fuck if this isn't a great movie! Have you watched it?
> 
> BN, I think I get it now. It's about standing for yourself. And this is something that demands more bravery than I could ever comprehend. I think I'm just a coward, even if I don't want to be one.
> 
> But, at some point in your letter, I decided I don't want to make this all about myself. You're also fighting battles. I want to say the right things to you too, just as you do to me. I just wish I knew how.
> 
> I was very sad about your story. I can't conceive the idea of you being hurt. In my head, from your letters, you are pure joy.
> 
> And now I'm confused. Are you a Muslim? Do you have a girlfriend? Are you friends with Mik again? It's ok if you don't want to talk about any of this. I just want to understand you better.
> 
> I guess everyone is indeed fighting a battle no one else knows about. Isn't that sad? I'm fighting a battle, too. I wish someday I can yell from the top of a mountain "What was I waiting for". This day, BN, this will be the best day of my life.
> 
> I'm still fucking sorry for your story. I'm still perplexed with the things you said. You're always so light and kind, it's like you have a perfect life, full of unicorns and leprechauns and rainbows.
> 
> But I'm glad you could figure out things, and that now you are better. Right? Are you really better now? I hope you are.
> 
> Now it's 01:42, and I like writing to you. It makes me calm and ease, I'm even sleepy.
> 
> You said you're pansexual and is it strange it seemed just right? It matched perfectly that image I have of you in my mind. Because to me you're nice and nice and nice and chill and everything about you is about...love (?) You are so passionate in your letters. Then when you said you were pansexual. It just clicked. It's like you're so nice you can't even care about gender.
> 
> Fuck, you're really nice. And when I say nice I mean amazing. I don't think I have ever known anyone like you.
> 
> You said at some point in your letter that it was initially intended to be the last one. Is it a bad thing I didn't quite believe? Am I being presumptuous? Maybe I'm just in denial. I do that the best.
> 
> I'd like to write to you. I don't want this to stop, you know. Even if you have all to offer while I'm just an immature, conflicted little brat. But fuck it, I really want this to continue.
> 
> I read every single word of your letter. I read it uncountable times, I drank every word. And water. Not alcohol.
> 
> I'm writing this, and this is a mess. I do realize it. But it's just because my insides are a mess. Thank you for spending your time talking to me about all this stuff. Thanks for being open and trusting me with your story. Thank you for taking care of me and caring about my health. And you never sounded controlling. Are you fucking kidding me? You are a unicorn. Fuck, you are so nice. Are you like that in person?
> 
> And fuck, but no one who knows me would guess I was the one who wrote this previous paragraph. I'm not that soft. You make me like that. But what can I do when you are so gentle all the time? I feel like it's my obligation to show you the same kindness.
> 
> And I'd never use your story against you. Never. I will keep it just for me. And yes, you had your quota of shit, and I wish you hadn't been through all of that. But it's part of your life, these are the battles you fought. And if the scars of it are what makes you being you, that nice and gentle you. Well, it's still a beautiful story, not all happy, but still beautiful.
> 
> Fuck, you are amazing. Don't stop writing to me, please. No one had ever been that nice to me.
> 
> I can try. I can be nice too.
> 
> But you said you were afraid of me being beaten up. Pfffff. Have you really seen me? I'm strong. I'm tough, ok? I know how to take care of myself.
> 
> Anyway, are you serious about your jacket? Because truth be told, if you weren't replying to me, I was probably going to steal it for good. It really smells nice. Is it a perfume? Can you tell me which one?
> 
> Seriously, I love your jacket. I don't know if you were just kidding, anyway thank you for offering it to me. But I can't accept things from you. Why would I deserve it? Please keep your jacket there, and then I can send you notes. But I do think it's a nice jacket, though. And it smells so fucking nice. Have I mentioned that? I don't know what is the thing with it. I like it.
> 
> But it’s not like I keep smelling it like in a romantic movie, though. I just would like to point it out. It's just a pleasant smell. Well, you are nice, so I thought I could just be nice back and say nice things too. I like the way you smell, ok? Platonically speaking. Scientifically speaking.
> 
> And now it's 01:56, and I just wrote three paragraphs about your smell. But fuck it, I didn't feel alone tonight, and this is huge. Fuck, I had complete conversations in my head with you. Thank you for keeping me company tonight.
> 
> And you asked in your last note, so here it is: I'm seventeen, second year and the light of Nissen. And I'm humble. I'm so humble. But I guess you have already noticed it. And why does it feel like we're doing this introduction too late? You already know more about me than Jonas himself.
> 
> So you're a Bech. I don't know how I feel about it. Is it your real name? I have never known a Bech before. I guess I like it. I like the way it sounds. I like people whose names are at the beginning of the alphabet. I like short names of four letters. Isak, ring any bells? It's a shame you aren't called Isak, such a great name. But Bech, I could get used to it too.
> 
> Bech. Bech. Bech. I'm trying to check how it sounds. So, Bech, write to me again, please! I promise you I will be better.
> 
> And you asked me if I'd ever choose you. Would you be mad if I didn't reply it in words? I can't bear the thought of disappointing you again.
> 
> But I'm not there yet. I don't know if I will ever be. I don't feel comfortable talking about things like that. This is why I asked you if we could exchange letters and nothing else.
> 
> It's ok if you want something else. Someone else. You probably have a girlfriend from what I understood.
> 
> I like writing to you. It makes me smile, and my heart beat fast. Is it enough?
> 
> For now?
> 
> If you just knew how much I struggled to write this previous line. Seriously. Like minutes with the pen frozen on the paper, and my heart in my throat.
> 
> I don't know what I'm scared of. I just am. Sorry if I'm like that. But if it makes it better for you, I'd never have imagined one week ago it'd be possible for me to be writing this kind of things. But your words make me feel comfortable in some ways. They calm me down. I'm just not there yet. There are words that I don't even dare to say out loud yet. And things I'd rather not think about.
> 
> Is it ok?
> 
> Bech, I'm going now. But I want to ask you something before it.
> 
> William Wallace had a secret wedding just because. Considering all practical reasons, he shouldn't, but he felt like he needed. He put himself at risk just to be with someone else. Because he wanted to be committed to someone else. What are your thoughts about that? You think it's stupid? You think it makes sense to be with someone even if it's the hardest path you could choose?
> 
> Thanks.
> 
> I'm always grateful whenever I think of you. So thanks.
> 
> And in case it's not clear, I want to be your pen pal.
> 
>  
> 
> Isak,
> 
> writing letters with mastery since 1999
> 
> Ps: I hope your gf still helps you.
> 
> Ps2: I'm anxious for your reply
> 
> Ps3: I haven't really watched Shameless, so I can't quite answer your question, but you can tell me more about that, I'd like to hear it.
> 
> Ps4: <\- Got it? I love PlayStation. And it seemed important to say that, since you want to know me. And it's important to stick with the things that matter. I don't know how I'd feel if you are an XBox person. Don't break my heart.
> 
> Ps5: If we're gonna continue with this (and we are right?), you gotta know this: of course I'm the master of everything! And humble. Don't ever forget that.
> 
> Ps6: I love how we can add all kinds of random stuff in PS. I love random things. Random humor is the one that makes me lose my breathing from laughing.
> 
> Ps7: Could you maybe write to me the same day? I don't care about your letters being well written or having a nice letter. I just want to hear about you.

.

.

> _To the lovely Isak,_
> 
> _It's lunch time and I just read your letter. You asked me to reply to you today, so I'm writing you this little note._
> 
> _Of course, I can't reply to everything that you've said in your letter but I can say and clear up a few things that seem important. I'll write another letter later tonight and put it in your locker tomorrow._
> 
> _Did I never mention my gf and I broke up? We've been over for so long. A few months ago actually. So currently, I don't have anyone except my parents to help me._
> 
> _Isak, you ARE just as good. Just look at you. You care so much. You apologize for your mistakes, you mean your apologies, you feel bad for hurting others. Because you don't do it intentionally. I can see you're caring. The way you're talking about my struggles. But I don't like pity, you know. So please don't pity me._
> 
> _I am better now, yes. If I wasn't, I wouldn't be writing to you. I would only watch you from far and drown in self loathing. I wouldn't dare talk to you. I would stay away from you. And sometimes I still think that maybe I made a mistake, that I trapped you... but I can't back out now. You asked me to stay. I promised to stay. You need me. I'm here. I'm sorry that it had to be me. Ugh. I'm making this about me again, am I not?_
> 
> _I think people deserve kindness. Kindness is a good thing. Be kind to everyone. That's my motto. People have things going on. That's what makes them the way they are. Kindness helps many people. Like it's helping you. It brings out your soft side._
> 
> _I think you're the softest person inside. You just hide it behind your tough facade. I think everyone has a soft side. For some people, you just have to push a bit and bring it out._
> 
> _Oh boy. Listen to me. I. WILL. NOT. STOP. WRITING. TO. YOU. Please believe me. That's the reason I'm writing this note to you now. Because you asked me to talk to you today and I am. Isn't it proof enough?_
> 
> _I don't know what else to choose from your letter and reply to. There's just so much. I guess I'll end it here._
> 
> _I'll go home and start working on my letter. This isn't my only reply to your letter. There's more. There isn't much time to write everything now._
> 
> _By the way, I am serious about the jacket. You can really have it but on one condition. You'll give me your grey hoodie?? The one you always wear. I love that hoodie so much. I could probably buy a new one but I want the one with your scent. I haven't had any glimpse of your scent, ever. It would only be fair, right?_
> 
> _But it's really fine if you don't want to give it away. It's probably a bit short on me since I'm taller than you are. But I would wear it anyway. Just not in school because then you'll recognize me._
> 
> _You can take my jacket. I already told you it's yours. Just make sure to let me know if you're taking it for real so I can keep another one there for you to send me letters and notes._
> 
> _See you. Talk to you soon._
> 
> _Love, BechN._
> 
> _Ps: You are the cutest. Gosh, you make me fall for you harder every day._

.

. 

> Bech,
> 
> If you are reading it, it's because you found my hoodie and of course this paper inside the pocket.
> 
> I feel like I'm cheating, your jacket is much cooler than this beaten up hoodie, and much warmer too. I would know that, I was using the hoodie just before I exchanged it for the jacket. It's a bit long in the sleeves, but I rolled them up.
> 
> But this makes me look like a fucking teenager in a lousy teenager movie wearing a boyfriend's jacket!
> 
> And gosh, you're making me come to school every night. It's a good thing we live in Norway where the school doors are always open.
> 
> Fuck, my heart is beating so fast. Are we really exchanging clothes? What are you going to do with my hoodie?
> 
> Well, I will be waiting for your next letter and for you to tell me how I can send you messages from now.
> 
>  
> 
> ~~Bech~~ ,
> 
> I mean, Isak!
> 
> Lol, wtf was this.
> 
>  
> 
> Ps: Thank you for writing to me today, I realized after I sent the letter it was such a demanding thing. So thank you for taking your time.
> 
> Ps2: I'm wearing the jacket tomorrow at school. I hope you don't mind.
> 
> Ps3: You're writing to me tomorrow too, right?


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Forgive me if there's something wrong, Even is a film nerd but I'm not so I tried atleast with great help from nessauepa!

> _To the gorgeous boy, Isak_
> 
> _You have no idea what you've started by talking about films. If you must know, I studied film and media studies at Bakka and I want to be a director some day. Don't you think we could be the directors of our own lives? I like to know that I can control things in my life and most of the time, I do. I can._
> 
> _Anyway, you've probably guessed. I love films. I love them._
> 
> _You can say a soundtrack makes a shot seem better but what's more important is how it's filmed. How you direct it. What camera you use for filming. The perfect angle for the perfect shot. It should be aesthetically pleasing. That's what makes a shot artistic._
> 
> _A plastic bag drifting through the air could have a meaning. It could be a metaphor. If you're talking about the scene in American Beauty, then the plastic bag is definitely seen as a metaphor for objects that are disregarded or tossed to the side. It's a valid explanation because of Ricky's desire for Jane. He sees her beauty disregarded by others._
> 
> _Isak, I can't believe this. Are you really talking about Braveheart? You gave me a boner. Fuck, I'm sorry if I'm being a bit too forward. I mean it as a metaphor. A heart boner. But Braveheart is a classic, I lost count of how many times I have watched it. But my all time favorite is Romeo+Juilet. It's a cinematic masterpiece. I recommend you to watch it._
> 
> _Moving on, I don't think it was stupid. I think it was love. You would do anything for your love. If there was anyway_ _you could be with someone you want, you would do it. It would be better than being alone and miserable. It makes sense that you'd choose your love even if you'll have to go through lots of shit because of it. Don't you think it's better to be with someone you desire, love.. than dying all alone. You could, would do anything for love._
> 
> _I like the way you see things. Yes, people would rather fight for themselves than hide. They want their freedom. Yes. I like that you're getting it now. And I'm glad I helped you understand from my previous letter._
> 
> _And you're right, Isak. Braveheart is a love story. It's essentially and intrinsically about love. Love for a country, love for a brother, a father, a family. Love for a woman, or a man. And this is why it's a classic, in my opinion, anyone can relate to love. Everyone loves, Isak._
> 
> _The motto for this movie is based on the most basic human needs, like love and freedom. This is why it cuts us to our bones, twists our insides and makes us feel disturbed through all of it. This is why it messes with you, and me, because it messes with the things that make us fundamentally humans. This is why no matter how ridiculous Mel Gibson's hair is or how historically inaccurate the movie_ _is, it's still a masterpiece._
> 
> _And Isak, if you can see all the beauty behind it, let me tell you that, you, my dear, you're a softie inside. I already knew it._
> 
> _I'm really sorry about you and how you feel. I wish you weren't broken. I wish I could fix you, help you. You're just a soft boy underneath all of your facade. But Isak, your battles are valid too. You're not the only teenager with hard battles. You're not alone in this. There ARE others struggling just as you._
> 
> _You seriously have to stop apologizing to me! I forgive you from the bottom of my heart. It's okay. It happened. You can throw away my letters or burn them, it doesn't really matter that much anymore. You aren't obligated to keep them. It's fine, really. I was hurt but I'll be fine. I know I said I couldn't take it but I was being stupid. It's up to you on how you want to deal with my letters. Once they go to you, they are yours._
> 
> _Anyway! Stop apologizing please. I feel horrible. It's like I forced you to feel guily. I don't know._
> 
> _Ah! You still have my first letter. Hm. To be honest, I don't exactly remember what I have said into that letter. It was something about you being the most beautiful boy in the world, right? Because you are. ♡_
> 
> _I need to calm myself down. I swear I was just going to go on another rant about your attractive eyes and gorgeous h_ _air. And then the whole night I would be just writing poetry about you and your hair and your eyes and probably forget to sleep. I shouldn't lose sleep._
> 
> _I understand why you would feel ashamed, but please remember that asking questions is the only way to learn things. Whether it be on google or to people. It's fine. Just look at you. You're learning and understanding. It's fine. You aren't born with all the knowledge. You learn in the world._
> 
> _I wish I could just wrap you up in a blanket and protect you and keep you safe from everything, including your own feelings. I'm sorry. Really really sorry that you were hurting because of me. Because I decided to take my time to reply. I really am sorry. From now on, I will leave you notes everyday even if I can't reply to the whole thing. I'll leave you something just to let you know that I'm here. ♡_
> 
> _Forgive me. I hope you do._
> 
> _You just aren't sure of the things you want. It's totally alright. You'll figure it out. Don't worry about it._
> 
> _When you talked about Eskild like that, I thought you really loved him in a romantic way. I almost thought you were boyfriends. But then you mentioned that in a brotherly way and I was relieved. Phewww. Haha._
> 
> _I'm delightful that Eskild was there for you. I'm really thankful to Eskild for taking care of you._
> 
> _If you've been feeling so alone and confused, maybe you can talk to him? Like you mentioned, he helped you a lot and took care of you, he obviously would be more than happy to listen to you. He really cares about you if he did all that for you. And of course, you can always talk to me._
> 
> _Way to break a heart, Isak. You didn't even friendzone me, you straight away bro-zoned me. (In case you're wondering what I'm talking about: You said I remind you of Eskild, the annoying_ _big brother.)_
> 
> _I'm kidding. I just want to be in your life in anyway possible. And I want to be here for you, like I've said a million times already. Excuse me, I'm sorry but I think you really need to hear it a few times to believe it. ♡_
> 
> _Keeping up with the Kardashians is a reality tv show about their lives. Kim is one of them. I don't really watch the show either but I know at least this much._
> 
> _What do you do all day? What kind of music do you like? What video games do you play?_
> 
> _Of course I like music. Nas. Gabrielle. All kinds of 90's hip hop but also modern pop. Honestly, I don't really have a type. I like what I like._
> 
> _You don't like ice cream? What on Earth... Baby how can you not like ice cream? I'm so shocked right now. Why don't you like ice cream? Everybody likes ice cream! Omg! I'm so surprised. I'm literally gaping with a frown. Like.. just how? There are people who don't like ice cream? Is this a real thing?_
> 
> _Anyway, you will be brave one day, Isak. Just keep trying. It takes time and courage. And I believe in you. You'll definitely be able to overcome your fear and be brave. You are a strong one. You're smart and soft. You'll do it._
> 
> _I really don't mind if your letters are all about you because that's what I'm literally here for. I want to know you, your thoughts. You._
> 
> _I didn't mean to make you sad about my story. It's whatever. I think the important thing is that it didn't destroy love for me. I still believe in it._
> 
> _Mik and I haven't talked since that day. I was so embarassed about what I had done. My other friends did try to talk to me after but I pushed them away. I didn't need their pity. And that was that. I lost everyone._
> 
> _Well, I sound like pure joy to you because I am happy at the moment. I'm relaxed, happy, calm and just peaceful. Things are good. I'm starting over. Already made new friends._
> 
> _Haha, your thoughts about me being pan is exactly what everyone else tells me. I'm not even surprised here. (But about the ice cream!!!!!)_
> 
> _You really like me, huh, don't you? *smirks* You keep saying how kind and nice I am. I would say it's basically my personality. I like to be cheery with people. I want to make other people's days. I want to make them smile. And you. You keep complimenting me. Thank you._
> 
> _Wow, did you really drink water and not alcohol while writing that? I'm so proud of you. I'm going to be a very proud friend. I'm glad I wasn't being controlling. I really didn't mean to be._
> 
> _There's no need to thank me. Anything for you. Really. I mean it._
> 
> _You'll have to wait until you meet me to know how I am in person. Let's keep the suspense._
> 
> _I've seen you roll your eyes sometimes. It's the cutest thing ever. This was totally random lol. Nevermind me._
> 
> _You're just a little adorable baby. Wanna wrap you up in blankets and cuddle you. Platonically of course. People do that, platonically. It's a thing, I swear. I used to cuddle with my friends platonically too._
> 
> _Like I've already said in the previous note, you can have the jacket. Just let me know before you take it. And uhm.. I don't use perfume on the jacket. I usually use body spray or if perfume, then on my inner shirt. I wear lots of layers so I don't think the smell is from the perfume. It could be my own scent from when I wear the jacket on top of a half sleeved shirt sometimes. Or it could be my scented detergent, haha._
> 
> _I don't even know how it smells though. Maybe it is my own scent after all. I've heard that you can't smell your own scent. Is that for real?_
> 
> _The brand name of the perfume is GEIR in case you still want to know. You probably want it too. :)_
> 
> _You definitely are the light of Nissen though. And humble, yes._
> 
> _What if my name was Isak though? Isak Bech. So cool right? But nah. Bech is not my first name though. It's real and belongs to me but not as the first name._ _My first name is a four letter name too, just like yours. Good to know, you like four lettered names._
> 
> _Heyyyy. It's really really okay if you can't answer me about choosing me. I'm just being dumb. Nevermind me. It's okay. You can take your time. I just want you to be comfortable._
> 
> _By the way, I really like this Isak guy so I am asking you to please stop talking shit about him. Stop calling him a brat or immature or a coward. He's the best person I know. He's perfect and he's just going through something. Doesn't mean you can talk shit about him!_
> 
> _Anyways, if you don't stop talking about him like that, I'll be mad at you and I'm afraid I'll have to stop talking to you. No more notes/letters for you then._
> 
> _Anyways. Are you saying I got through to your facade? Do I really know you more than Jonas? Wow. That kind of makes me feel special. I promise I won't disappoint._
> 
> _I just felt like I had to say this again, just in case. I don't have a gf at the moment. But I do have a bf though. :D_
> 
> _Just breathe. I understand your fear but you'll overcome it. You're strong, like I mentioned before. You're doing great. Asking questions, slowly opening up. It's progress. Give yourself credit and keep trying. But don't force yourself and don't hate yourself. If you feel like you can't do it, anything, then don't. You aren't obligated to do everything in one day. Take your time. Take as long as you like. But I promise, you'll be screaming "what was I waiting for?" in no time._
> 
> _About Shameless, it's a series that plays with the boundaries of politically wrong things like breaking the law and beyond. It's about this neighborhood full of people fated to lives of poverty and in most cases, criminal. And somehow the lives of two of those characters collide. Mickey, a violent bad boy, criminal by nature and by family. And Ian, a closeted boy in a family with way too many siblings being raised by the oldest sister. Their father is an alcoholic and their mother is bipolar and she doesn't live with them. So the eldest sister, Fiona has to take care of all the kids she left._
> 
> _In the middle of this hopeless existence, Mickey and Ian found each other. And something first masked as a raw sexual relationship develops to truthful of the partnerships in this show. They’re not perfect by any means, except they’re perfect for each other. Their love sets them free._
> 
> _And I feel more related to them, to this show than I’d probably ever be able to explain to you, Isak. They love each other. They really do._
> 
> _And Ian, he’s bipolar too. Just like his mom. Do you know what's bipolar ? It's about shit going to hell. It's when you can't control your brain all the time, when you have all those high highs and low lows. And we see this Mickey, who was a selfish and homophobic guy, being the hoist of them. He cares about Ian in ways I can't describe without my eyes filling up with tears. And you know what's the true miracle in all of this? He didn't see him as sick or as his illness. Never. In his eyes, he’s still the same boy he loves, just Ian. And he sticks with him. Through the bitchiest of the illness. Can you believe that? Are there people like that in the real world? Most people run away from mental illness. But we can't really blame them because it probably gets exhausting for them. They need to choose themselves first. But what about the mentally ill people though? The want love too. They want someone too, just like any other person. But I guess, love isn't for them. That's why I love Mickey and Ian. It shows that mentally ill people can love and be loved. It's possible. It's beautiful._
> 
> _Their story arc is beautiful and pretty poetic. The purest of the loves raised where people would less expect, a rose born on the dumping ground. I wish I could show you someday. I wish you’d like it as much as I do. I think the day I get to watch my favorite show with you, I will be numb with happiness._
> 
> _Sorry to break your beautiful soft heart, but I'm an XBox person. Just kidding! I swear, I'm calling it now! You're my soulmate. I prefer playstation too and everytime I write Ps, that's the word that pops into my mind. Strange._
> 
> _I guess I'll wrap this up now. It's midnight, I have to go to sleep. Take care. Don't force yourself and be gentle with yourself. Maybe watch some shows or random videos of people you can relate to. Their stories. Maybe they will be inspiring. Helping even._
> 
> _Keep smiling. ♡_
> 
> _Love, BechN._
> 
> _Ps: I love random thoughts too. Specially from you because you're the cutest then._
> 
> _Ps2: I won't even be surprised if you told me you have a PHD in being the master of everything. Ado-ra-ble._
> 
> _Ps3: We're continuing this for as long as you'll let me._
> 
> _Ps4: <\---- I can only think about playstations hahaha. _

.

.

> _Isak!_
> 
> _I just put the letter in your locker and came to the gym class to look inside the pockets of my jacket to check for anything from you, but my whole jacket has vanished._
> 
> _I told you to inform me before you take it, no._
> 
> _Of course I would recognize your jacket anywhere. I found it and the note but how are you going to send me notes today, hm? If I take your jacket. Gosh, Isak._
> 
> _I'll find another way for you to send me notes today because I'm taking your jacket. You're right, I feel a bit nervous too._
> 
> _You have such a delicious scent. Is this really your scent? I can't believe I can finally smell you. I feel like I'm physically close to you._
> 
> _And what do you think I would with the jacket? Of course, I'm going to use it as a dirt cleaner and burn it after using. What the fuck, Isak. What do you mean what I would do with jacket? Of course, I'm going to wear it 24/7 and let your scent combine with mine._
> 
> _Haha, you feel like you're wearing a boyfriend's jacket in a lousy movie? Hmmmm._
> 
> _It's so sweet you signed yourself as Bech. Haha. You're so sweet. ♡_
> 
> _Love, Bech_
> 
> _Ps: Of course, I'm writing to you today. I'm gonna send you little notes everyday even if I can't reply fully to your letters._
> 
> _Ps2: I really don't mind if you're demanding. I like it actually. Anything for you._
> 
> _Ps3: Why would I mind if you wore my jacket to school? I would love itttt ♡_
> 
> _Ps4: Omggg, Isak. I was just going to go to your locker to put this note in there too but you were already standing there, wearing my jacket and I think I've just died and gone to heaven. That was the most beautiful sight I've ever come across. You were standing there, reading my letter with a smile on your face, I think my heart stopped beating right there. That jacket makes you look so small and so cute and just aaahhh. I want to scream. I just want to hold you and cuddle you and kiss you. **Sleeves! Rolled! Up! Omg Isak!** Are you trying to kill me? You're literally drowning in this jacket but it's the most adorable sight. You look like an angel to me. My eyes are blessed. This image of you will never leave my mind and I think I have to display it on paper because you are a piece of art. _

.

.

**Isak left the green jacket in the gym again with a note.**

>  Hi,
> 
> It was nice of you to offer me your jacket. But I didn't realize you had a boyfriend when I accepted it. I don't think I should have it. I don't want to cause any trouble between you and him.
> 
> You know what, I was trying to control myself, but if you think about it, it was pretty shit of you to give it to me in the first place. And why are you writing to me and saying all these things? ~~Isn't this a little fucked up~~?
> 
> I know you're a nice person, I can see it by your letters, but maybe we shouldn't do this anymore. Do it with your bf instead.
> 
> Maybe give the jacket to him? I'm sure your bf will love it.
> 
> And maybe start respecting him a little more? Your bf?
> 
> I wish you and your bf a happy life.
> 
> Thanks anyway.
> 
> Bye,
> 
> Isak
> 
> PS: You can keep the hoodie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Blame nessauepa for that ending.  
> Blame loveevak for throwing the bf thing. :p


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even is super extra in this one.

 

> _To the silly but cute boy, Isak_
> 
> _I don't have an actual boyfriend, silly boy. It's just an imaginary one and that's literally you. It was you I was talking about. Just a bit teasing, you know. But.._
> 
> _I can see right through you, Isak. I know you like me too but I'm not pushing you to tell anyone. I just want you to be happy and comfortable. I'm okay with just pen pals. I want you to take your time and relax. I just want you to feel like you are special._
> 
> _Were you jealous, baby? Aw, I'm so sorry if it hurt you. I didn't mean to upset_   _you. I thought you'll get it. I thought you'll understand that I was talking about you. I really thought it was obvious._
> 
> _Please keep the jacket, it's yours. It suits you so well. It makes you look so adorable. Please keep wearing it to school like you're wearing a boyfriend's jacket._
> 
> _Love, Bech._
> 
> _Ps: TAKE. THE. JACKET. BACK. IT'S YOURS._
> 
> _Ps2: Did you really think I worked so hard to get your attention, sent you so many letters and notes, flirted with you for fun? And then went back to my happy life with bf?_
> 
> _Ps3: I'm really sorry. Please forgive me? :c_
> 
> _Ps4: I just asked my friend to bring me my old used up jacket from home. I was going to throw it away but then I remembered that we can use it here! So Kris will be bringing it soon. I will leave it hanging in the same place with the same note saying "Blue" on top of it. And just in case you wamt description, it's torn a bit from some places, the gray colour is faded but atleast the pockets are strong! Haha. Oh and it has black stripes._
> 
> _Ps5: I will be so upset if you don't take the green jacket :c I'm already upset that you left it here. You looked so handsome and adorable wearing it. And I want to keep seeing you wearing it. You looked so happy and proud. I almost died. Figuratively speaking._  

Even was anxious. He needed Isak to check his locker and read the note immediately. But Isak was roaming the halls instead, no longer wearing Even's jacket, looking so upset and heartbroken, it broke Even's own heart. In a panic, he rushed to the printing room, created a poster on the computer and printed several copies of it. He then quickly stuck them all over the walls of Nissen while everyone else was in class. He even posted one on the wall opposite to Isak's class so that when he gets out, it would attract Isak's attention straight away because the poster was bright yellow, which was easily attracted by the naked eye.  

 

 

> HOLY SHIT!
> 
> I can't believe you did that. Oh My God. Fuck, let me start breathing again. I came to the gym running because I needed to send you this note asap, what could it be your next step? Kidnap me?
> 
> Why the fuck did you do that? You know that people in the entire school are talking about it? My friends keep mocking this Bech “girl”, and I don't know what to say. How did you even do that? I found a poster 2m from the floor in a tree! Have you fucking climbed that?
> 
> Jesus, are you always like that in your life? Chill out, ok? I read it. Ok? Chill now.
> 
> But now...WHAT THE FUCK BOYFRIEND?! We are pen pals. Pen pals. Ok, we shared some deep shit about our lives. And ok, we exchanged some clothes too. And I get why it could look like that. And you are very nice to me, I appreciate that, but did I miss the part when you fucking asked me out?
> 
> And just to be clear, this wasn't an invitation, it was sarcasm, sarcasm! Don't ask me out! I’m serious.
> 
> But hum, write back to me. Ok? Just not that boyfriend thing.
> 
> I'm going home to write a proper reply to your letter, ok? Expect something tomorrow morning.
> 
>  
> 
> Isak
> 
>  
> 
> Ps: Ok! I'm taking your jacket again! Jesus Christ!
> 
> Ps2: I still can't believe you did that
> 
> Ps3: Honestly? I'm just adding random things to reach PS4.
> 
> Ps4: Playstation!
> 
> Ps5: Have a nice evening. Talk to you tomorrow. :)

.

.  

> _To the sweet boy, Isak_
> 
> _How would you feel about me kidnapping you, though? Would that be a bad thing? We could chill, listen to music, I could make you food._
> 
> _Just kidding. I would never do that without your permission._
> 
> _You really don't know why I did THAT? Isak, did you look at yourself? You looked like a kicked puppy. You looked like you were going to break down and shatter any moment. I was devastated to see you like that. I literally wasn't expecting you to take "I have a bf" in the wrong way. But I'm sorry. I didn't see it from your point of view. I didn't think you wouldn't see it as I did._
> 
> _I couldn't bear to see you like that anymore. And you weren't checking your locker at all. I had to get your attention somehow. So I made that poster myself and printed a few copies and posted them everywhere._
> 
> _First of all, just because it said "boyfriend" in the poster, doesn't mean the person who made them was a girl. Boys like boys too. And I know that you know this now but I wish I could open your friends' eyes too and make them realize._
> 
> _Do you really think I care about what others would say or think_ _when you were literally hurting? Nothing mattered in that moment except clearing up that I don't have a bf. Because I didn't mean to hurt you in any way. It was a stupid joke. I can't promise but I will definitely try to be more careful and gentler with you._
> 
> _Okay, I didn't post any poster on a tree. But for your information, I am 1.92m tall and my arms are atleast 10cm long so I could easily reach 2m above ground without having to climb the tree. Are you impressed? :)_
> 
> _I bet it was just people messing around. I'm just glad nobody saw it was me. I was very careful. ;)_
> 
> _But I just realized that I do stupid stuff like putting things on the walls of my schools when I'm on a high. Ufff. This won't end good if this really is what I think it is...._
> 
> _I'm sorry. It was just teasing when I said I had a bf. Like, an imaginary one._ _Don't worry then, I won't ask you out._
> 
> _You are the most demanding 17 year old I've ever met. "Chill now." "Don't ask me out." "Write back to me." I only have 3 words for you._
> 
> _Anything for you._
> 
> _Love, Bech_
> 
> _Ps: I'm sorry for hurting you again. Are you really sure you want me in your life? If it was up to me, I would have left already, for always hurting you. Guess it's my nature to hurt people I love._
> 
> _Ps2: I'm so fucking happy you took the jacket back! Can't wait to see you wear it tomorrow. You're gonna look adorable!_
> 
> _Ps3: I see your love for playstation , 4 to be exact. You always leave me stunned._
> 
> _Ps4: Playstation4! Haha. It's our thing now, I guess. We'll be adding random things in Ps to get to Ps4? Yeah, let's do that._
> 
> _Ps5: I hope you have a great evening and a night and a morning and every day, basically. Please keep smiling and try to be happy. ♡_
> 
> _Ps6: I did that for you. I think by now you should know that I would do anything for you._
> 
> _Ps7: I'm guessing you kept one of the posters for yourself? To keep on your nightstand along with my letters? It's okay if you haven't. :)♡_

.

. 

**The next morning**

 

> To Bech,
> 
> Lol. And who the fuck starts a letter with "lol", right? I can only say I told you, I don't know how to do this pen pal thing. Most of the time it's just me, spilling my thoughts onto the paper with nearly no filter. I hope you appreciate this because I can't even bear my brain myself, I don't get why you'd cope with it. But if you're still here, welcome, welcome, grab your popcorn and join me in the circus that is my mind.
> 
> Anyway, I started this with a "lol" because I just realized something stupid, "To Bech" sounds like "Tupac", and it's hard to explain it, but I laughed like an idiot here because of that. I told you, random things get me going. And do you even like rap, Bech?
> 
> "No one knows my struggle, they only see the trouble".
> 
> I like rap because if you really concentrate on the fast and constant flow of words, there is no room for anything else. I guess you could say it's like a mantra, like a prayer, and I wouldn't know how to describe it further, but rap sets me free. And if you just knew how many things you realize about yourself while improvising like that, no time to filter I suppose. And I guess it's the same anytime I write to you, and this is why you know things about me by now that no one knows.
> 
> Anyway, I don't know how to even start. I still can't believe you'd do that thing with the posters just to make me look into my locker. That was so extreme. Are you always that extra? But ok, the posters, they're kind of nice. Did you do make them and post them in a hurry? Consider me impressed. Maybe I have one. Maybe that one that I found in that tree, maybe I keep it on my nightstand. And maybe you're a tall giraffe. Are you serious about your height? Like I'm tall, 1.81, but you're just stupidly tall, Bech!
> 
> Well, let’s start at the very beginning, a very good place to start. And fuck my life, just kill me now, I just quoted Eskild, or better, Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music. Fuck Eskild for singing this song, all the fucking time! From Tupac to fucking musicals? Tupac is probably turning in his grave now.
> 
> Ok, focus Isak! So, what a surprise, you were a Bakka student. This completely clicked. Now I get all your usual extra bullshit vibes. Lol.
> 
> I think I get what you say about being the directors of our own lives, but I don't quite agree. Have you ever heard about parallel universes? Like everything that can happen will happen and is happening? Like, in another parallel universe there is an Isak and a Bech just like us, just that they exchanged an orange jacket.
> 
> It's so fucking interesting, it's like there are all those best versions of ourselves doing great somewhere, no matter how fucked up are our lives. But if you think about it, it's quite the opposite of controlling our lives actually, it's just chaos in a whole bunch of infinite possibilities.
> 
> I don't believe I can control my life. I never could, and I don't think I will ever be able to start. I wish you're better than me on that because, man, I'm doing the worst job ever! But then, you're going to be a director someday, I guess you're pretty good on that.
> 
> And ok, I guess it's cool that you're going to be a director. Just promise me that if one day, when you're a famous director, if you ever get to film an explosion, you will invite me to watch it? Let's make a deal right here, right now. Or in your case, right when you read this letter. Promise?
> 
> Fuck! You could let me be your stuntman for some scene! Something with explosions, or cars! Definitely cars! What about some persecution? But then I'd probably need to learn how to drive in Oslo's street first.
> 
> Bech, do you drive? I'm terrified of it. Every time a friend tried to teach me, I couldn't make myself start the car. Kind of humiliating, if you ask me. What about that for your persecution stuntman, huh?
> 
> Gosh, you're totally that kind of guy that won't shut up while watching a movie, right? Am I right or am I right? And have I ever told you I'm always right? I'm the master of it too, in case you didn't guess it already.
> 
> Now, please, "aesthetically pleasing"? Pffffff. What 19-year-old says things like that? Fuck, you're such a movie nerd.
> 
> I can't believe you really, like really are justifying the fucking plastic bag in the wind. You can justify everything in the fucking world this way. Like I can film my pen over the paper swaying in the wind, and then I will say it's the metaphor for how I keep things stuck in my head and can't let them go or any other random bullshit like that. You just need to use your imagination to come up with any random excuse. Got my point? It's too cheap.
> 
> I hope you remember my advice in the future, Mr. director. I'd hate you losing an Oscar because of some fucking plastic bag. And I need you to win, how other way would I be mentioned in an Oscar speech? I gotta stick with my best chance here.
> 
> Ok, I'm sorry, I'm being a brat, I do this the best. My friend Mahdi says it's my bullshit self-defense mechanism. I guess he has a point, maybe by being a brat I force people to dislike me before they can do that for reasons I can't control. So I guess you have a point too, maybe I do like the idea of guiding my life, after all. And I swear, I don't know why I keep spilling deep stuff like that to you. It's weird, how I can be open like this in the paper, this is such a strange feeling.
> 
> It's like I can say whatever I want, without judgment or shame, it's kind of new.
> 
> And your letter was just going so well, with the Braveheart thing. I loved that you love it, but why did you have to mention Romeo+Juliet? Romeo+Juliet? Romeo+Juliet? I'm sorry, it felt important to repeat it, for dramatic effect. And imagine I'm grimacing all the time, ok? But really, Romeo+Juliet? Jesus. Why? Isn't that a cheesy movie? Are you saying this is your fav movie? And then you think you can judge me because I'm not into ice cream?
> 
> And I think I get what you said about love, and about what people would do for love. You seem like someone that loved before. Have you? Ever loved someone? Like really really loved? In a way that you'd choose hell and war over heaven just to be around this person? You think people can be that selfless for someone else outside movies? The truth is, I have never fallen in love.
> 
> Fuck, every time I don't tell you something, it keeps banging around my head until I give up and finally write it down. I don't know why I feel this guilty for not telling you things. I guess it's because you're always blunt in your letters, I feel like you deserve the same consideration. So here it's: it wasn't totally true when I said I have never fallen in love. I had a crush on someone once, a friend. But I don't know if I was in love with this person. How can we know when we're in love? I never totally understood it, how can people be so sure they love someone else?
> 
> And Bech, I appreciate all the nice things you say, but you can't fix me, no one really can. I'm not broken, there is nothing to be repaired. I guess this is just who I'm, maybe I just need to get used to it, being this mess.
> 
> Bech, do you also feel alone sometimes? Some days are difficult you know, to remember there are people out there. At night, when you're on your bed, when sleep doesn't find you, and you have memorized all the cracks in the ceiling, it's difficult to think there is anyone out there. Do you ever feel the same? And I'm sorry if I just killed any light mood now.
> 
> And fuck, we do apologize too much! You apologize way too much, you need to stop it! Seriously! You're the most ridiculous person that I have ever known, you're just nice, and you apologize all the time, are you fucking kidding me? It's like a fucking unicorn apologizing for throwing up a rainbow. Seriously dude, just chill out.
> 
> Ok, I have an idea, let's promise we won't apologize anymore, not like that, not that much. Like, if we hit each other with a car? No apologies, we extend a hand or call the ambulance, and this is it. Killing each other cats? No apologies, just an amicable tap on the shoulders. No apologies, at all. What do you think?
> 
> And now I have an important question. What are you? Cat or dog person? And think about it very carefully, no friendship can survive the wrong answer. But I won't give you the answer this time. Last time when it was between Xbox and Playstation you just said what you know I preferred. Let's see how it goes know.
> 
> Friendship. We think we are friends already?
> 
> Well, now I just re-read the next paragraph of your letter. Why do you insist on calling me pretty? Seriously, dude, you need glasses. I don't even brush my hair every day! I just throw some snapback on my head, and this is it.
> 
> Sometimes Eskild says I look like a zombie, but maybe it's because he gets to see me before coffee. No one should have this sight, seriously, horror movie. I'm not a morning person. At all.
> 
> And maybe you're right, maybe I should talk to him, to Eskild. If he can cope with an Isak before any caffeine in the morning, I guess he can handle anything. I suppose I'm the one who can't deal with things yet, I wish I knew how to start letting things out. Maybe one day?
> 
> You keep saying you're here for me, and I'm not gonna lie, in the wee hours of the night, when I'm alone, just me and your letter, it's easy to believe it. You aren't playing with me, right? Do you even mean it? Can you say it again? I like when you say that, it makes me calm. And I can be here for you, too, ok?
> 
> You asked me what I do all day, and the answer is not much. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just wasting my time on Earth. I was supposed to be living the best time of my life, new experiences and stuff. Youth, right? But I don't know how many amazing life experiences you can have from the sofa. I have never done anything really exciting in my life. What about you? Have you ever sneaked out of home, kissed in the rain or broke in a fucking pool like in those American shows?
> 
> Well, and now you did it, you did it to yourself! You just asked me about video games I play? Fuck, you don't realize it, but you just opened the Pandora box. Fuck, have you ever heard about Until Dawn? I played this with my friends this weekend and damn, so cool.
> 
> It goes like a teen horror movie, but as the story advances, you need to take some decisions every now and then, which drastically affects the game's outcome. And based on your choices, the characters' lives are impacted in different ways. Have you ever heard about butterfly effect? How somehow little things can lead to big and apparently unrelated consequences? Like the flutter of a butterfly's wing can ultimately cause a typhoon halfway around the world? This is the idea of this game.
> 
> And maybe you'd love this game, it's exactly about being the director of it, of controlling their fates.
> 
> But now wait. Fucking stop everything.
> 
> Gabrielle? Gabrielle?? Gabrielle?! I'd like you to know I'm grimacing until my face hurts. ~~When you just found~~ When you think you saw everything in this world. Are you kidding? Right?
> 
> "Five fine young ladies in the club, we command"?
> 
> C'mon, say you're kidding. I can't be related to someone who likes fucking Gabrielle! Jesus, this completely derailed any train of thoughts I had.
> 
> Hm, and now this will totally sound out of nowhere, and it kind of is, but I re-read the part where you said you never talked to Mik again and I wanted to talk about it, but I didn't know how to change the subject from Gabrielle to that. Actually, I stayed for minutes looking blankly at the paper. But then I decided since we're not in a novel here, fuck the writing structure. I guess letters are more about being real.
> 
> In this case, let me ask you, have you ever tried to talk to Mik again? I know that I don't know shit about life, and you should probably get all my advices and do the opposite, but maybe you just need to sit down and talk? At least you'd have tried.
> 
> I don't know what I'd do if I lost Jonas. He's my friend since we were kids, we bonded through play dough, lol. I don't want to tell you what to do, but maybe Mik feels the same way as you? Good friendships don't just disappear. How did you even know him? Gabrielle concert?
> 
> Soooo, you want to platonically wrap me in blankets and cuddle me? Jeez, is that what Gabrielle songs do to people? But I don't think I'm cuddling material anyway, I kick too much while sleeping, I'm a light sleeper. If anyone just breathes near me, I woke up immediately. It's pretty shit, actually. I'm the worst at sleeping. Are you like that, too?
> 
> Like, I should probably be sleeping, it's late, but here I'm, still with my school clothes, on the bed. Actually, I'm still wearing your jacket. It's kind of cold here, and I'm too lazy to get off the bed to deal with the heater. And let's be honest, I will probably just sleep exactly how I'm now.
> 
> You know what, I wish I had a butler. I'd make him adjust the heater for me, and make me food. Fuck, and bring me water in the middle of the night! This is the worst, I fucking hate when I need to get up to go to the kitchen, I never manage to sleep again. I could also make my butler cover me when I'm cold on the bed, but too sleepy to even move. And ok, it sounds more like a slave than a butler. And I guess a butler isn't that good of an idea anyway, aren't them always the murder in all policial books?
> 
> And you're right actually, you said people can't notice their own smell, and I read this is because we experience smell when molecules bombard receptors in our noses, and if they're overrun with the same smell over and over again it's like they get tired of it. How cool is that?! This is something that doesn't happen to vision or hearing. I bet Gabrielle can notice her own smell, though. Such a great artist, just a poet.
> 
> Bech, can you give me a hint about your name? I mean, your real, first name? I won't try to find you, I promise. I'm just curious. Please?
> 
> Please?
> 
> You know, I researched the most common Norwegian four-letter names. I have a couple of them here, the chance you're named one of them are high. I bet you're an...Erik! Do you know Erik is the 18o. most common Norwegian name according to some totally random list? Did you know that, Erik? Erik Bech N.? Fuck, if I'm right you need to recognize, I'm the master of the mastery. If I'm right, you need to get me a butler, this is the deal.
> 
> Wow, it's already 2 in the morning and I have school today. Better finish this and go (try to) sleep. Like it was that simple. I have problems to sleep most of the nights. Are you a heavy sleeper? I don't know why, but I bet you're.
> 
> Before I go, on your last note: I WASN'T JEALOUS, WHAT THE FUCK! I JUST DIDN'T THINK IT WAS RIGHT TO ACCEPT THE JACKET FROM AN ETHICAL AND MORAL PERSPECTIVE! AND I WASN'T LOOKING LIKE A KICKED PUPPY! I was just stressed that day, ok! And it wasn't because of you or your stupid jacket!
> 
> Your jacket isn't stupid, I don't know why I said this, and if we (I) hadn't agreed not to apologize, I'd do it now. But since we're contractually forbidden, I won't.
> 
> You also said in your last note you hurt me, are you fucking kidding me? Unicorn, remember? I want you to keep writing to me, if you want it too. Every time I see a new piece of paper in my locker I smile. And do whatever you want with this information I just dropped.
> 
> Ah, almost forgot it. What kind of shoes do you use? I know this seems random (and actually is), but it's just something Jonas told me. So? What kind of shoes do you use?
> 
> Isak,
> 
> Ps: I'm not really sleepy right now.
> 
> Ps2: You know I'm just adding any random thought to reach Ps4, right? Lol
> 
> Ps3: ok, I want to tell you something, but you can't freak out, it's just some natural thing that happens to all humans, ok? So, last night I dreamt about you, and I realize I don't know how you look like, but the dream was more kind of an abstract idea than concrete images, you know? So, in this dream, you were wearing the jacket, which for some reason was orange. Don't ask me why. And it was cold, then you took it off and gave it to me. And this is what I gain by saying those things about boyfriend's jackets in American teen movies. #karma
> 
> Ps4: Playstation!
> 
> Ps5: You understood the dream didn't mean anything, right? It's just a natural reaction that happens when you have too many ideas in your brain before sleeping, they get mixed up.
> 
> Ps6: Why did I even tell you that? Ugh!
> 
> Ps7: Fuck, I can't lie to you!!!!! We kissed in the dream, ok. Bye.

.

. 

> _To my dear beautiful Isak,_
> 
> _I got your letter but I won't be able to read it until i get home. I'm sorry. It's because I'm busy doing a project with my friend and I'm literally writing this note in a hurry since you know, I promised I would send you notes everyday if I can't reply to your letters._
> 
> _I saw you this morning. You are the cutest, wearing my jacket and walking proudly in the hallways. My heart, bby, it's gonna melt._
> 
> _I actually wanted to inform you that I have a surprise for you. I started working on it yesterday but it's not complete yet. I'll try to finish it off today, though and give it to you by tomorrow along with the letter I'm going to write after reading yours._
> 
> _Love, Bech._
> 
> _Ps: I don't know how to resist you when you're literally walking around in school with my jacket on, looking like an angel. I really just want to come up to you and hug you, breathe you in. I wish we could meet soon. :c_


	8. Chapter 8

> _To the pretty boy with pretty unbrushed curls,_
> 
> _How dare you imply that I'm blind? Isak, take that back! You are beautiful. The most attractive guy in the world, I'd say. I wish you could see how I see you. Maybe the painting I left with this letter might be able to show? But it's not even close to how beautiful you are in my eyes._
> 
> _I really want to touch your curls, run my fingers through them. I love your curls so much. It doesn't matter if you brushed them or not. You still look beautiful._
> 
> _You know, the only thing that's been on my mind since the time I read your letter is your words. "I can't be related to someone who likes Gabrielle." And it's not in the way you think._
> 
> _I just really can't believe it. You want to be related to me? Oh my god, Isak. You're already thinking about our marriage. Is that why you don't want to be boyfriends? To just skip that part and go straight to marriage? A secret one, like William Wallance? Is that what you were hinting at when you mentioned their secret marriage? You can't imagine how happy I am right now. I can't believe I missed the signs! :)_
> 
> _You know, I do dream of you too, every other day. But since the day you started sending me letters, I have actually dreamt about you every single day! Some days, I come up to you and we talk. Other days we kiss and cuddle. It's what I deeply, deeply want. One day._
> 
> _So Isak's dream was about us kissing. Fuck, Isak. Are you serious? How can I not freak out when you literally said we kissed!!! In your dream! This was obviously the very important thing in my mind and I can't stop thinking about it._
> 
> _How can you say it's not a big deal? How can you say it doesn't mean anything, hm? You said it yourself. You dream of things you've thought about during the day. What does that mean? It means you want to kiss me as much as I want to kiss you. Please don't say it doesn't mean anything because it does! And how could I not freak out when you indirectly told me you want to kiss me too? Aaah, I've really been screaming into my pillow since the time I read your letter. What are you doing to me, Isak? You do realize how much power you have over me? I could literally be your butler, no kidding._
> 
> _I dream of kissing you most nights. Those are the best dreams of all time. It feels so real. But I hate waking up, because then it isn't real anymore._
> 
> _You can start your letter however. This isn't a formal letter anyway. Haven't you studied how to write letters in English class, though? But how do you keep forgetting that I will never judge you?!_
> 
> _Of course I appreciate you and how you write your letters. If you haven't forgotten, you once gave me a paper towel letter, which I still have by the way. And why do you think I have it? Because of you._
> 
> _Isak, it's really okay to start your letter however you want to. Because it's me you're talking to. Spill your thoughts into the paper. I want to know you and your beautiful mind. It's really great that you spill your thoughts here._
> 
> _I just remembered that you dreamt that you and I kissed. WE KISSED IN ISAK'S DREAM. Isak, my heart is racing. And I kind of want to scream, with happiness. I wonder if you've ever felt this way?_
> 
> _But I don't get why you keep saying you're not good at this pen pal thing?? You're replying to me everyday. You ARE good at this. It doesn't matter how you write the letter, how you start it or if you write it in order or not, it's fine however, here. It isn't formal. It's between two friends. Yes, we are friends. Just accept that. And soon we will be married. (Because you want to skip the boyfriends part and have a secret wedding. I'm down for it!)_
> 
> _Aw, you're so endearing. How am I suppose to survive without you? Isak, the adorable kitten, laughing at To Bech because it sounds like Tupac. Boy. I'm a lucky one._
> 
> _Didn't I mention in my previous letter that I do, in fact, love rap? Nas? My favourite. I love Tupac too._
> 
> _'For every dark night, there's a brigther day.'_
> 
> _I think you needed to hear that. When things are terrible, I know it seems like they will be forever. But that's not true. It will get better and happier days will come soon._
> 
> _'You're right, I am crazy. But you know what else? I don't give a fuck."_
> 
> _I wish I didn't give a fuck. But I'm probably the most sensitive and fragile person on the Earth. (That's how my friends describe me and I think I believe them too.)_
> 
> _Anyway._
> 
> _So I make you feel calm and peaceful? Is that what you're trying to say? I'm really delighted that I could be of help. I like that I'm finally doing something right with you after messing up a few times._
> 
> _Yeah, haha. I guess you could say_ _I'm definitely extra. My middle name is actually 'extra'. ;) I like to make big loving gestures for people, specially the ones I'm attracted to. I like to make them feel loved and wanted. But also because I'm a hopeless romantic. I'm the type to buy you a million gifts even if you don't need them. I'm the type to make everything perfect for my lover. I'm the one who loves to show my love off to the world because of how proud I am of my love(r)._
> 
> _Yeah, I did make the poster myself in a hurry and printed a few copies. And of course, I posted them around very carefully, but just as quickly. I made sure no one was there in the hallways before quickly sticking them to the walls._
> 
> _I feel special now. You decided to keep a poster for yourself. If I was in your place, I would definitely keep the poster, proudly. Because I also love it when others (my lover) make(s) huge love gestures for me._
> 
> _Ouch. Your words are so hurtful. Giraffe really? Yes I didn't lie about my height. I really am that tall. But I'm not a giraffe :c_
> 
> _More hurtful words, Isak. How could you keep hurting me again and again? Extra bullshit vibes? I'm so hurt right now._
> 
> _I hate this parallel universe talk. It makes me feel unimportant and lonely. And if there are parallel universes, that means there's a better version of me and a worse version of me. And both these versions make me feel like shit. And chaos? That's what I hate the most. It's chaos in my head all the time. I really don't need this._
> 
> _You can control your life, Isak. Everyone can. You just need to put effort in it._
> 
> _I can control my eating, drinking, sleeping time and talking when I'm completely fine. Which means you can do it too. You can control things in your life._
> 
> _You CHOSE something just like in that game you mentioned and that's how your life is effected. It's all up to you, not the universe. I think the only thing the universe controls is who your soulmate is._
> 
> _You can control your life. All you have to do is make that choice within you._
> 
> _I don't know if I'll be lucky enough to become a director, but if I ever do, you would be the first one I'd take to the red carpet, the film premieres and of course, the set where we do the filming. I'll definitely bring you to all my shootings, so there's no need to worry that you'd miss the one you really want to see. Though, I don't really get it. What's so cool about explosions? It's not as 'aesthetically pleasing'._
> 
> _Haha Isak, you're so funny. Why do you think I would make you my stuntman? There is no way I would let you anywhere near dangerous places. No way! Do you know how dangerous it could be? You could get badly injured! Do you think I would want that? Fuck no. I've told you before. I just want to wrap you in blankets and protect you, not throw you in dangerous places where you're not safe._
> 
> _I do drive, yes. And I get your fear of driving. Everyone has that fear, Isak. It's okay, don't be embarassed._
> 
> _You could say that I love to talk about the movie while watching it. Of course, you are right and of course you're the master of being right. You're the master of everything, remember?_
> 
> _Movie nerd. I don't like that term. It's more like passionate about movies._
> 
> _But you're one to call me a nerd, when you're the real nerd here. A science nerd. All this talk about parallel universes and some molecule stuff about smelling? Science nerd. :p_
> 
> _Excuse me, hater boy. It's not cheap. You only think that because you don't get it. Do you know that every movie has something as a metaphor? For example, during the happy fun days, there will be lots of sunshine and when a person is down, extremely sad, it would be raining and dark. These metaphors help you understand better and makes it more interesting! Everything in a movie means something. Have you watched that show Skam? Season 3? The one with Adrian Eksett? His locker is a metaphor for how he feels about his sexuality. In the beginning, he's just trying to stuff everything inside and trying to close it, which is really difficult. That's what he's doing. He's pushing everything to the back of his mind. Later, when he tries to open the locker, it doesn't open at all. But then the other guy, that Adrian has a crush on, slams the locker and helps him open it. Which means, he is the one who helps Adrian to be more open about himself. Then there's a scene where Adrian opens the locker with ease, after he opens up to his roommate and his best friend. Which is a metaphor for how easy it is for him to finally open up now. And doesn't that make it more fascinating? I think it does._
> 
> _You know, your advice would lose me an Oscar, not gain. All these metaphors are what makes a movie captivating. And if I don't use them, no Oscar for me. And then you won't be mentioned in an Oscar speech._
> 
> _'I would like to thank my husband, Isak for having so much faith in me and I would like to dedicate this award to him even though he adviced me not to use metaphors in my movies.'_
> 
> _How's that for a speech? :D_
> 
> _You need to watch Romeo+Juliet like right now! How haven't you watched it yet? Bby, you won't be grimacing or talking like that once you watch the film. It's a masterpiece! The one with Leonardo DiCaprio. Watch it! You'll love it too. And you'll be crying your eyes out._
> 
> _I don't think I've fallen that deep in love before. I've loved yes, but I don't think it was the type where I would destroy everything of mine for them. But I think I am starting to fall in love. That kind of love. Now. No, I don't 'think'. I know. I'm already in love. The one where I'd choose hell and war. And before you freak out, I'm talking about you._
> 
> _I have always been selfless for people I have loved or still love. All types of love. Family love, friends love and romantic love. I believe there are people who are really are selfless when they love, but I also believe that it shouldn't be like that. (Even though I don't follow my own beliefs.)_
> 
> _I think when you really love someone, you can only see them. You want them to be happy. You want them to smile. You want them to be healthy. And you'd choose to fight for them, fight to be with them. Probably take a bullet for them just so they don't have to go through that pain._
> 
> _It's real, Isak. And it's here._
> 
> _When you're in love, you'll just know. It will be like... something clicked. That you want this person for the rest of your life and in the afterlife, if there is one. You want everything with this person. I guess that's how you'd know if you're in love. But people have different definitions of love. Some think that love is when you feel something deeply for someone, something different than you've ever felt before. Sometimes it's a feeling you think you would feel for someone for the rest of your life. The tenderness you'll always have for them. Someone you'll never be able to forget. Someone who has a special place in your heart and always comes first. I guess that's love. And I guess that's how you would know._
> 
> _I used to love my ex, Sonja. Until she started acting like she's my babysitter. I know she was only worried and that was her way of caring, but I'm not a kid. I'm a 19 year old guy. I'm not a child. I guess I fell out of love with her. But then I realize she isn't the kind of love I described. I didn't feel that thing with her, in my heart, that I feel with you. And we haven't even met yet. You and I. Just imagine, my heart would probably explode with all the love I have for you when we finally meet. That's what is love._
> 
> _I really liked her a lot in a romantic way of course and I loved her, but more in a friendly way than romantic. She was my best friend first._ _It was more like I had lots of feelings for her. But according to my description of love, I thought it was love at the time. Doesn't feel like it was anymore._
> 
> _Moving on, Isak you have sleeping problems, self esteem issues and you're closed off like you mentioned. You do need a bit help to get better, to start loving yourself. You need to be set free to feel lighter and happier. I am not trying to fix you, just trying to help. People don't need fixing. We're not cars or other machines. We are humans. We need love and care and gentleness._
> 
> _Alone. I feel so alone all the time. My brain is always alone, you have no idea. It's just me and my thoughts and the only way to stop it, is to die. I get what you mean and I myself have experienced lots of days like that, spent in bed feeling all one._
> 
> _Damn, your description of me being a unicorn and throwing up a rainbow is so funny. What the fuck, Isak. I can't believe you see me like that haha. But yes, we can stop apologing. (Unless we really hurt each other. That's the deal.)_
> 
> _Isak, you don't need to give me an answer for me to know that you're a cat person. Firstly, you talked about killing each other's cats, not dogs. Secondly, you're just like a kitten. Cute, adorable and grumpy. It fits you well that you're a cat person._
> 
> _But I'm a dog person of course. I love dogs. Cats are cute but I don't like their grumpiness, attitude and scratching. Dogs are just always loving and loyal._
> 
> _Is our friendship over now? Is it not going to survive because I'm not a cat person? Well, it's totally fine if friendship is over, because soon it will be a relationship. More like marriage. :D_
> 
> _I don't prefer playstation because you said you prefer it. I have always used playstation. I didn't lie about it. *rolls eyes*_
> 
> _To me, you will always be beautiful. No matter what. Whether Eskild calls you zombie in the morning or not. Or if you're not a morning person. Trust me, I would always find you attractive._
> 
> _Isak, I'm always here for you. I'm not playing with you. I'm damn serious about this. Do you think I'd send you letters and notes everyday if I was playing you? Do you think I would stick all those posters all around Nissen just 'cause I thought you were sad because of me if I was just a player? Would I have almost exposed myself for you? I could have been suspended if I was caught, though. Thank god there weren't any cameras there. You get the love thing? I probably would have gotten myself exposed just to see you smile again._
> 
> _It's okay if you haven't done anything wild yet. Once we meet, I'm gonna take you on great adventures! I have actually sneaked out of my parents house to go to my gf a few times. We were 17 I think._
> 
> _And I hope you remember, I am a hopeless romantic. Which means, yes I have kissed in the rain. At the time it was perfect, I suppose. But looking back now, it wasn't because she wasn't the right person for me. It was still great though. And a kiss under the rain with the right person would be like in heaven! Would you like to kiss me in the rain, bby?_
> 
> _I haven't played Until Dawn, but now that you've mentioned it, I will try it out. It does seem like a cool game and exactly my type. Being able to control things._
> 
> _I'm back to the part where you said you can't be related to someone who likes Gabrielle and I can only imagine you talking about our marriage :')_
> 
> _Hahah. What's wrong with liking Gabrielle? She's cool. Her songs are cool._
> 
> _And talking about the marriage just reminded me of your dream. I started smiling into my pillow aaah. Isak. Kissed. Me. Isak. Wants. To. Kiss. Me. Too. Aaah._
> 
> _I don't know about Mikael. It's complicated. He was the one who freaked out. I was embarassed, still am. I don't know how I'm supposed to sit down and talk to him. Don't think he wants me in his life anyways._
> 
> _You don't know, Isak. You don't know what I've done. I wasn't myself at that time. I don't think I can talk to him or my other friends again. They probably think I'm crazy anyway. I made a mess. I made a fool of myself._
> 
> _I met Mikael in Bakka and bonded over our love for films and media studies._
> 
> _Oh, I just remembered. You never told me what you thought about Ian and Mickey? Or mentally ill people. I didn't get your thoughts on that. Could you maybe read the other letter again and tell me what you think. I don't know why but it seems important to me. :)_
> 
> _I'd gladly get kicked by you if that means I get to hold you. Doesn't cuddling release some hormone that helps you sleep better? At least you'll sleep better._
> 
> _I move around a lot too while sleeping actually but I'm always in a deep sleep. Don't wake up usually unless I have things on my mind or just simply when I am not myself._
> 
> _I never tell you what I do with your jacket no? I wear it aaaallll the time. Even when I sleep. You smell so delicious._
> 
> _I wear it to school too, under another jacket and scarf, so that you wouldn't recognize it and find me. You never even notice me, though. :(_
> 
> _I don't even know if you'll like the way I look. What if I'm not your type, shit. Does that mean we won't get married anymore? :c_
> 
> _I can be your butler. Except that I'd like love as payment. I could cuddle you closer at night when you're really cold. But for now, you can keep a filled bottle of water in your room next to your bed so you don't have to move at night._
> 
> _Of course I can give you a hint about my name. Who am i to refuse you anything?_
> 
> _Erik. You're close but not really. My name starts with an 'E' and rhymes with seven._
> 
> _Fuck it. I should just tell you. You're clearly wondering and I can't say no to you. It's always yes._
> 
> _My name's Even. You finally know, now. Wow, it feels like I'm revealing a really big secret. But that's not even close to my biggest secret._
> 
> _Well now, you're not the master of guessing names. Which means you're not the master of everything. I'm afraid we'll have to break this engangement. I need a master of masters. A master of everything. Which you aren't anymore._
> 
> _Hahaha. I still volunteer as your butler even if you didn't get my name_ _right._
> 
> _Okay, I suppose you weren't jealous. That's great. But I hope you aren't as stressed anymore. I would apologize for getting it wrong (about you being jealous) if we hadn't made a deal._
> 
> _I know you smile when you read my letters. You need to see the painting. I tried to make it as real as possible. I hope you really like it._
> 
> _I usually use sneakers by the way. What did Jonas say?_
> 
> _Anyway, I have to wrap this letter up. It's getting late. And I have to sleep._
> 
> _I hope you keep smiling, husband.♡_
> 
> _Love, Even BechN_
> 
> _Ps: I just want to make sure you don't feel uncomfortable with my teasing and calling you petnames. If you are, please tell me to stop. Just say stop and I will. You know I don't want you to feel uneasy._
> 
> _Ps2: I tried to put the painting in your locker but it wouldn't go. So I have left it in the jacket in the locker room. Good thing I didn't put in the letter first. Otherwise you'd be wondering where the painting was._
> 
> _Ps3: I dreamt of you last night too. And in my dreams, at least you're real, because I know how you look like._
> 
> _Ps4: playstation4, hehe._
> 
> _Ps5: You don't know how many times I screamed into the pillow last night thinking about you and your dream._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little about this editing, the original image didn't have the snapback: https://nessauepa.tumblr.com/post/170997246323/adding-a-snapback-where-it-didnt-exist-editing
> 
> Thanks loveevak for suggesting the painting thing.


	9. Chapter 9

 

> To Even,
> 
> FY FAEN! Did you draw that yourself? Fuck, you're so fucking talented. I think it's the best drawing I have ever seen in my life! I'm serious, it's perfect! How did you manage to capture every single detail? The green jacket, the rolled sleeves, even my backpack! And this starred sky, fuck, this is really how you see me?
> 
> Thanks for the drawing, Even. Truly. It was really nice of you. But when did you manage to put it in the jacket? I arrived school very early today, and it was already there, the letter in my locker and the drawing in the jacket. Well, thanks anyway, it put a huge smile on my face, that I couldn't get rid of until my friends started mocking me during lunch. I'm still smiling every now and then, to be honest, Even.
> 
> Even. Even. Even. I'm still getting used to your name. I like it you know? I liked it a lot. You know what was the first thing in my mind when I read your name? It's great for rhymes, have you ever realized that? Even, ever, forever, whenever, heaven. It's so easy fit your name in a rap that it's cowardice. I'm trying to make up some verses here and it goes with everything. It's so nice to the ears, have you notice it sounds like letting go a sigh? It's official, your name has gotten Isak's Valtersen seal of approval, congratulations. If you never get to write an Oscar speech, you can write one for this.
> 
> And yes, I do want to marry you, you caught me. This is why I'm making all of this, you know. I found this poster on Lokka that said: "Even Bech N. needs a pen pal and husband". I thought I was being pretty clear when I dropped the secret wedding hint, but you took so long to realize it. And when I brought the plastic bag in the wind? It was just another hint, Even. What color was the plastic bag? White. What color is most related to weddings? Exactly, it was right under your nose all along. All of this was just about me luring you to marry me!
> 
> All I was waiting for was your name, Even, so I could finally write my vows. Now we're ready to go. Gosh, I'm so transparent, you got me. And have I ever mentioned I want a secret wedding? By letters? A letter secret wedding?
> 
> I do.
> 
> So just say it back and then we’re married and you’re my butler forever.
> 
> But wait, now I'm having some glimpses of a Gabrielle talking. I can't marry someone that fucking likes Gabrielle. I'm the master of rapping, remember? I have a reputation to uphold. So, I'm sorry, I'm calling the wedding off. And we were so close. Damnit.
> 
> However, you did say you could be my butler, is this offer still open? I could get used to having someone doing things for me. What kind of things would you accept as part of this position? Make me breakfast? Make me lunch? Make me dinner? As you can see, food is a fundamental part of my butler’s duties. Would you bring me water in the middle of the night? This is a key point about this job. And it's not only about having water on my nightstand, Even. This I can do by myself, it's also about bringing the glass to my mouth, so I don't need to even open my eyes. Hm, but then we’d need a way to communicate during the night. Maybe we could get you a pager?
> 
> As you can see from the job description, I'm a very low maintenance guy, I just want a servant for life, how difficult can it be?
> 
> Now I'm curious, you said you like making this big loving gestures for people. Have you done a lot of things for all these people you loved before? Have you written them letters too? Or drawn them things? What about a pen pal, have you had one before? Fuck, do you have another pen pal right now? Maybe one that paid actual attention to English classes and knows how to properly format letters?
> 
> I bet people loved you back because you're always so nice. Your friends are probably right, and if I can put me in this group, well, I would join them to say you're indeed very sensitive. I don't know if you're like this to everyone else, but sometimes it's like you're inside my brain, you always read me like my thoughts are written on my forehead. And I just realized this metaphor makes no sense at all, since we communicate by letters, not face to face. But anyway, I agree with them, you're sensitive, but I don't think you're fragile at all. From your letters, I can tell you went through your quota of shit already, but you're still here, still positive and making me wonder who the fuck can be that cool all the time. You're always so fucking chill, Even. And you like boys, making me think maybe it doesn't need to be that big of a deal after all.
> 
> And this is what your sneakers and Jonas have to tell about that, you're chill. I asked you about your shoes because Jonas said you can learn a lot about people just by looking at their shoes. Because it's where people less think others will be paying attention to, so it's where they let their real selves appear. And it's just right that you wear sneakers because you're always nice and chill, totally fits you. And Jonas was right once again. Jonas is always right, like a wise seventeen year old Yoda. It's very annoying to be honest. But he inspires me too.
> 
> And I already told you that, but I think it's time to say it again. You inspire me, Even. And I mean it. I wish I were half as cool, half as nice to people as you're. And fuck it, if I were just one percent nice to people as you're, I'd probably have one million more friends. But I don't quite like people, you know, you never know when they will put you down. The worst feeling ever is when you open up to people, willing to have any kind of human connection, just to have your soul crushed for no reason.
> 
> I know I'm a brat sometimes, but I don't think I deserved some things, I don't think anyone would deserve them. And I'm probably sounding confusing now, but it's because I'm thinking of this guy. One of Jonas stupid friends. One day we went to this cabin, Jonas, his girlfriend Eva, and I. It was chill, I like her. But then this jerk arrived. He was always mean to me, since I first met him when I was like thirteen. He kept calling me names, turning everything I said or did in some "gay" joke. And it was worse whenever he found me alone. And I tried to keep it chill, I tried not to give a shit, but the truth is that I couldn't, I did give a shit, I did give a lot of shit. I cried when no one was paying attention. Maybe I'm crying now. I wish I knew you before, maybe I'd be able to tell him to fuck himself then. I feel stronger since I first started talking to you.
> 
> Wow, I don't know what the fuck was that, it came from nowhere, like I waw throwing up all these words. It just came out like that. I'm sorry for that, I'm sounding like a child now.
> 
> Boy, but I really hate him. I wish I had told him to go to hell, but I didn't. You know what I did? I smiled, and laughed like I had enjoyed his joke. Joke. And if you're lucky enough you can see him at school, Karl Hansen, do you know him? Doesn't his name sound like a disease term? Karl Hansen? You have Karl Hansen, third stage. Fuck, you're a third year too, please tell me you're not friends with him. I don't know what I'm gonna do if you are.
> 
> I wish I had punched him, you know. I wish anyone would punch him. A lot of people dislike him anyway. But I couldn't. You know when you can't come up with things to say to someone's face, then you keep making up all your answers in your head later? I did that a lot. Maybe I should write him a letter? Lol. I guess I'm too scared. And I'm so tired of being scared, Even. Maybe every single option, even if it turned bad would be better than being scared. I wish I could be like you.
> 
> You said you didn't like this parallel universe talking because you feel unimportant and lonely, but I don't see like that. What if you're important in every single one? In a lot of universes, not just one?
> 
> Fuck, "it's just me and my thoughts and the only way to stop it, is to die". This was fucking dark. Too much for ~~my~~ an unicorn. Why are you so lonely? I don't want you to be lonely. It makes me sad to think about you all alone. And you know you can write me, whenever things get too much, right? Well, it's just fair, it's all I do to you. Why are you sad? Why are you always dropping these dark things? 
> 
> What did you do, Even? You can tell me, you can tell me everything. Every single thing. I promise you I won't judge you. I bet things are much worse in your head than they really are? Maybe letting them out could help? Fuck, and look at me and my advices, this is just laughable. But Even, I mean it, every word. Please, just let me help you as you always do to me. You don't deserve to be lonely, Even. And I don't quite think what you deserve is a confused seventeen year old boy, but you have it, so use it. I'm here, and I'm not judging you, I promise. It doesn't matter what you did. If you stole Mik's girlfriend (boyfriend?), if you stole Mik's jacket or killed his cat. 
> 
> But, I can change my mind, because you fucking think I'm a cat person? Cat person?! What do you take me for? I'm not a cat person, what the fuck! I like dogs, dogs, Even! And this is why I talked about killing each other's cats, not dogs, because I liked them more. And I'm not like a kitten, what the fuck! If I needed to pick an animal, I'd choose a black panther. How cool is that? Have you seen the movie?
> 
> Anyway, I'm just forgiving you now because you chose the right answer. So it's decided, I'm a black panther and you're a giraffe, what about that? And I don't get why you got all bothered by me calling you a giraffe. Have you ever seen an animal like a giraffe? There is no other animal like that. When I was a kid I had this stuffed giraffe you know, that went with me everywhere and slept on my bed. How cool is an animal that is yellow and giant and has a texture like a puzzle? I guess not that cool as a lethal black panther, but very cool nevertheless.
> 
> And can you not use this :c. Every time you do that I feel like I need to write you a note immediately to cheer you up. How seriously sad are you when you add this? But seriously, don't do that, please :c
> 
> Hahahaha, have you seen it? It's pretty heartbreaking, man. It's like one is pouting with big puppy eyes. Even the emoticons you use are extra, Even. It makes me sad :c
> 
> Ok, ok, I stopped it now.
> 
> And excuse me? I do get metaphors! I do care about them, about the good ones, Even! Raining when someone is sad? Pfffff, what kind of pompous piece of shit have you been watching? Don't add that to your movies. And don't add plastic bags either! Man, how would you get an Oscar without me? You better make me a central part of your speech because honestly? You will be there just because of me. I can help you with your speech too.
> 
> "I'd like to thank the person I'd have married if I hadn't such a bad musical taste. I wouldn't be here today If it wasn't by him and his constant support and advices about GOOD metaphors. #fuckPlasticBags"
> 
> And maybe speeches shouldn't contain hashtags. But all of this is a fucking huge hashtag after all, like, when you have found a boy you like it turns that he likes fucking Gabrielle. I'm shaking my head right now, in disapprovement. I'd like you to know that. 
> 
> And if this is that important to you, I'm watching Romeo+Juliet, Jesus Christ. But just to help you, I'm finding you need me more than you realize to get to that Oscar. Gosh. What would you do without me, huh?
> 
> But it's strange, you know, how someone that just arrived to your life suddenly can have this importance. If you even knew how good your letters make me feel, Even. Yes, your words calm me down. You're never angry, or saying stupid things (ok, I can think of one or two plastic bags). But really, how do you manage to be like that? Thanks for being my friend.
> 
> But Even, you said things in your letter that let my heart racing. Did you mean every single one? You promise? Because I can't bear the idea of me letting you in, and then turning that you're just another Karl Hansen. And yes, I do realize I have trusting issues, I don't know how to get rid of them. I'm trying. But it's not easy. And I'm sorry if I doubt you and keep asking for reassurance every single letter. I hope this doesn't make you sad, or mad, or disappointed. Thinking about you sad makes me sad. :c
> 
> Fuck, I never meant to let you in, but I can't help, Even. I can't fight you when you're so nice, and caring, and drawing me perfect things. And telling me you like me, and calling me baby. And saying I'm not alone. I'm scared of my feelings for you to be honest, Even. But I'm scared most of the time, so...
> 
> Did you really dream about me constantly? Because I dreamt about you last night, again. I guess it's because I'm always writing to you from my bed, so maybe it's just a reaction from my mind to my last thoughts before sleeping.
> 
> What if me dreaming about kissing you means I want it a little? What if I'm curious? What if I think about kissing you when I'm awake too? What does it mean? Does it have to mean anything at all? Can't it be chill?
> 
> Why do people need to put labels on everything, after all? Do we need to give names to fucking everything? This just makes people stressed if you ask me, this doesn't come to any good. I don't want to be put in a box and labeled like you do with a bunch of tangled wires. I think this is what scares me most.
> 
> So, if your words keep stuck in my mind and when I close my eyes I sometimes think of you, does it have to come with a definition? I wish I could just be Isak, this would be nice for a change. Just Isak, thinking about whoever I want, kissing whoever I want without judgment, without any of it being challenging or difficult.
> 
> I just want things to be easy, Even. You think this is too much to ask?
> 
> But life isn't easy, Even. Maybe it was never supposed to be like that. And let me tell you something about it. You asked my opinion about this Ian and Mickey guys and mentally ill people. And even if I have never seen this show before, I can write you an essay about that. Trust me.
> 
> Even, I hope this doesn't change the way you see me, but if it does, honestly? It was better to know it now. Because my mom is mentally ill, so yes, I have a pretty good idea about the subject, I watched it from the front line. And I don't know how this show portrays it, but it's not pretty, Even. It's not romantic. It's difficult.
> 
> And even if I love my mom, this wasn't always easy. I wasn't always the best of the sons, and she wasn't the best of the moms all the time either. But my mom is what she is, and she's perfect. I wouldn't choose any other mother over her. I swear, even if this wasn't always like I saw things.
> 
> And I hope this show doesn't stigmatize mentally ill people because it's so fucking unfair. Who of us can be labeled as normal? Everyone is struggling with their brains at different levels. No one is fucking normal. I'm certainly not. And I'm sorry telling you it like that, but you're not normal either. Everyone may have mental issues during their lives, no one is exempt. Depression, eating disorders, you don't even need to have been born with some shit genetics roll of dices. And this is the problem with labels, Even, they just make too much harm. They just segregate people, us and them. Put something a label and you'll see hate, prejudice, and stupidity in droves.
> 
> I don't know how Ian and Mickey deal with that. And I don't know shit about love either, but I believe when you love someone, you stick with this person. No matter what, you don't fucking run from the problems, like my dad did, for example. Pretty charming guy, huh?
> 
> When you love someone, you love the whole package, you love them with a broken arm, with a bruised nose, and through depression, because you love them, in the totality. You love THE person, you love the darkest parts of their souls, you love even the things they despise about themselves. And when you find a love like this, you don't run, you fight. And I'm maybe a stupid naive teenager, but this is what I think about love.
> 
> And maybe this is why I never said I love you to anyone before. You can't be reckless about love. I'm only saying it when I mean it. When I'm willing to stick around for the worst, and being thrilled about it because there is no other conceivable option than being around this person. Just then I'm saying fucking I love you.
> 
> I guess I'm trying to say that you don't love for a season, only during spring or summer, love is during the whole year, including the coldest parts of the winter, love is the complete package, together, for better, for worse, sickness and health, and blablabla, right? So yeah, I believe in that.
> 
> And fuck, I just realized now I'm fucking reciting you wedding vows, great. I'm rolling my eyes now.
> 
> But I truly hope you didn't change how you see me, Even. Really, I don't know what I'd do if you changed, because...well, I like talking to you too much.
> 
> Even, I have never had anyone painting things for me before. Or telling me nice things, or even complimenting my unbrushed hair (can you believe I have never received a single ode about that?). I have never had anyone writing me every day just because I asked. But you do all of this. You put a piece of paper in my locker every single day after I asked you that. And even if most of the time I can't make myself to say the important things, I want you to know that it matters to me.
> 
> I don't take any of this for granted. I'm immensely happy and thankful you wrote me in the first place. So I wanted to do something for you too. And the truth is, I'm not the master of rapping, I'm not even a good one, but it's the only thing I know. And since you're into rap too, I created a little one for you. I hope you like it, it was all by improvisation, no filter remember? This is the only way I know and this was always my deal with you anyway.
> 
> So, it has a name, it's called "Never, ever, Even". And don't laugh! I'll feel your amused vibes if you laugh, I'm warning you! And don't share this with anyone! It's just for you! And don't laugh! I'm serious! I'm using a lot of exclamation marks, how more serious than that things can get? Don't laugh!!
> 
> And maybe you won't ever receive this letter, because I'm very nervous about sharing it with you. But if you're reading it, it's great and I'm probably freaking out somewhere. Here it goes:
> 
> Never, ever, Even
> 
> If I think about you  
>  It's just because I am  
>  Deep inside being true  
>  To the things I can't handle
> 
> I wish I could see  
>  All this beauty about me  
>  I just don't think I can  
>  Being afraid of who I am
> 
> If I think about you  
>  Every minute of the day  
>  Am I being a little gay?  
>  It's important anyway?
> 
> In my dream, you and I  
>  Were in a little coffee shop  
>  As laughs went by  
>  We just couldn't stop
> 
> We met eye to eye  
>  I wished it was true  
>  Then we kissed in a line  
>  And I wanted it to be you
> 
> And wherever heaven is  
>  It's around this kiss  
>  And come what may  
>  Fuck it! It's okay
> 
> Never, ever, Even  
>  Have I dreamt of anyone  
>  Never, ever, Even  
>  Like I'm dreaming of someone
> 
> Never, ever, Even  
>  Have I craved I had more  
>  Never, ever, Even  
>  Have I felt this way before
> 
> Hey, Even  
>  Guess who I'm falling for?
> 
>  
> 
> Isak

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nessauepa here: english isn't my first language, so it took me years to write this little rap, but I had to do that after Even's drawing for Isak. <3  
> I hope you liked it.


	10. Chapter 10

   


> _To Isak baby,_
> 
> _Just keeping my promise and leaving this note for you today since I haven't sent you any._
> 
> _I do, Isak. I do. I accept you as my husband. Now we're married. You already said 'I do'. You can't back out after that. ;)_
> 
> _I'm not laughing. At all. I'm actually smiling so wide, everyone's looking at me weird. I'm so happy. Your rap is the cutest. I really hope I could hear you rap that one day. I can't believe you wrote it just for me. Is there any way you could record it while rapping and put it on a CD or in a USB and leave it for me? I'll be so happy._
> 
> _And your words. Gosh._
> 
> _Never ever have I felt this way for anyone else either like I do for you, Isak._
> 
> _Baby, you don't have to label yourself. That isn't necessary. You can like whoever you want and you'll still be Isak._
> 
> _Baby don't cry please. I hate it not being able to hold you or simply help you knowing you're not okay._
> 
> _Do you want me to punch this Karl Hansen guy? Because I will. For you. Even if I'm not a violent guy and violence is never the answer for me. But he made you cry, baby and I just really want to slap him for that._
> 
> _Maybe I could write him a long letter about how gay is not an insult and how much of an asshole he is? Tell me more about what he has said to you. I'm going to write him a letter. Only if you allow me, of course._
> 
> _I would never mention you or your story in the letter. I would only try to educate him._
> 
> _Okay, I gotta go for now. Bye baby, see you around and hopefully you'll get a letter from me tomorrow. I'll try._
> 
> _Love, Even Bech.N_
> 
> _Ps: You look delicious, as always. It makes me happy everytime I see you in the hallways wearing my jacket._
> 
> _Ps2: Have you told your friends about me? I'm just wondering. A bit curious. It's fine if you haven't. It's not necessary to tell them._
> 
> _Ps3: You must have noticed how many times I called you baby. Well, that's because you admitted you like it. Baby Isak. :D I'm sorry, I like calling you baby. And now that I have the approval, I wanna call you baby in each sentence, basically all the time._
> 
> _Ps4: Playstation 4! Haha. You didn't add any Ps in your previous letters. You lose :p_

. 

. 

.

> Fuck, I can't believe I'm doing this. And maybe I won't. I still can back up. So, Even, I did record me rapping that “Never, ever, Even” lame thing. But it's so fucking humiliating, if you didn't laugh while reading that, you certainly will now.
> 
> And as you can see I completely forgot about letter, structures or whatever. And this one I just started with a classy “Fuck”. What can I say? I'm a lord.
> 
> So, Even, if you’re receiving this, check carefully the pocket, it contains also a pen drive with some interesting things inside. And fuck, this came out strange, it's just my rapping thing, not any nude or anything like that, lol.
> 
> So if you received this, goodbye, I’m moving to Alaska.
> 
> And fuck, let me stop rambling and reply to the important things. NO! Don't punch him, Even. When I said that was out of my rage at that moment, alone on my bed. I would never want you to get in trouble because of me! Were you being serious about that? Thank you, I guess? But your hands are too talented for you to harm them. And this kind of came out very wrong too. Ugh!
> 
> Now I'm kind of ashamed I said all those things about him to you. Any chance you will forget it? Lol. Are you being serious about writing him a letter for me? Like you’re kind of a boyfriend, defending my honor? Lol. Why would you want to hear more about that, Even?
> 
> And I told Jonas I have been replying to that person who sent me that letter. But I intentionally let out the part about you being a boy. Is it ok?
> 
> Even, I think he knows. Who the fuck is always rambling about the “person” they're exchanging letters with. Not the “girl”, but the person. Jonas always knows, but he never said anything, so I'm not sure. And I'm scared. Have I told you I know him since we were little kids?
> 
> Well, and now I got anxious about that and then I remembered about this letter I'm about to drop and got more anxious, so let me finish this already.
> 
>  
> 
> Bye Even.
> 
> :)
> 
>  
> 
> Even, Even, Even.
> 
> Lol, I don't know why I did that.
> 
>  
> 
> Ps: You cheated!! You can't say “I do” like that. I called the wedding off, remember? You can't do that! It's not allowed! I forbid you!
> 
> Ps2: You can call me baby, it's alright. I don't mind. Yes, I'm generous like that.
> 
> Ps3: Have you seen me today? Have you seen I'm wearing our jacket? I even brushed my hair today, I'm on fire. Lol. Have you notice I'm not even wearing a snapack?
> 
> Ps4: You know, it's ridiculous, but I really liked the sonority in this part “wherever heaven is, it's around this kiss”. It sounds nice, don't you think? I think they have a name when all the words have a similar sound, like the "s" here. But I don't quite remember now. Do you have a fav line?
> 
> Ps5: Fuck, I missed ps4. Nooooooooo. Imagine me now kneeled with my arms raised above my head while I scream that. So, there is only one way to amend this: Ps5! I'm in the future. Suck it, loser.
> 
> Ps6: Sorry for saying that, it's just an expression. You're not a loser. 
> 
> Ps7: How serious were you in your last note when you said you never felt this way before? What do you mean exactly?
> 
> Ps8: I haven't, btw.

.

.

.

   


> _To my beautiful,_
> 
> _I can't wait to go home and listen to you rapping. I bet it's the cutest thing! Actually, I have already heard you rap on Jonas' and Eva's instagram. How are you the cutest thing in the world? Just wanna grab your face and kiss it._
> 
> _First of all, that's a note, Isak. Not a letter. So you can start it however you want. But honestly, don't worry about how you start your letters. It's fine. It's me you're talking to. Not your principal or boss or someone important._
> 
> _Interesting things inside. Hmm. Are you hinting at something again? Like the plastic bag as our wedding? I will never forget plastic bags now. I can't believe you made a really bad metaphor but I will use it in my movie about you._
> 
> _**The boy who hints about marriage using plastic bags.**  _
> 
> _Oh btw baby, you can't back out after saying 'I do'. You said 'I do'. You wrote it down. You made it official._ _You're mine from that moment. You even recited the wedding vows. I'm going home and framing your letter. It's our official marriage certificate._
> 
> _Mine._ _Are you mine?_
> 
> _If you dare move away from me, I'll come there and drag your gorgeous ass back to Oslo. How dare you leave your husband all alone, here in Oslo?_
> 
> _Look Isak, I was really sad when I read your story about Karl Hansen and how much he hurt you. I cried because you were hurting. I would really punch him for you. Because how dare he hurt you?_
> 
> _I am not a boyfriend, silly. I'm husband defending my husband's honour. If I'm not going to, then who will? What would be the point of our marriage then?_
> 
> _I actually wanted to hear more about your story because I thought of writing Karl a letter. Which would require more knowledge on what kind of things he says._
> 
> _But baby please don't feel obligated to talk about it. Just decline if it hurts just thinking about it/him. I don't want to add to that pain._
> 
> _About not telling Jonas, it's okay. I already told you in the previous note that it's totally fine. I just wanted to say that there's nothing shameful in liking boys. And if someone doesn't accept you, well you're better off without them anyway._
> 
> _But I'm sure Jonas would accept you. Maybe he's just waiting for you to open up to him._
> 
> _If he's your longest friend, the closest and the best, he will accept you. And as you mentioned, if he already knows, well he already accepted you. c:_
> 
> _Baby, I can't believe you like my name so much that you have to repeat it so many times. I'm grinning so wide, my friends are teasing me._
> 
> _They know I write letters to someone I really like. Their names are Kris and Sara. I'm sorry if you feel like I don't talk much about me when you literally talk about everything. I'll try too. ♡_
> 
> _My favourite lines were:_
> 
>   * _Then we kissed in a line  
>  And I wanted it to be you_
>   * _And wherever heaven is  
>  It's around this kiss_
>   * _Never, ever, Even_  
>  _Have I felt this way before_
> 

> 
> _And you wanna know my all time favourite line? The one I keep playing in my head all the time. The one I didn't mention till now because I don't know if you're serious about it or not? Is it banter or is it real?_
> 
> _I know I'm a mess. My brain is fucked up. One minute I'm so sure and the other, I'm doubting everything. It's always hard for me to believe that someone would like me enough to fall for me. I suppose you've guessed by now._
> 
> _My all time favourite line is_
> 
> _. . . . . . ._
> 
> _. . . . . . ._
> 
> _. . . . . . ._
> 
> _. . . . . . ._
> 
> _. . . . . . ._
> 
> _. . . . . . ._
> 
> _"Isak" that you've written in the end of the letter._
> 
> _Hahahahaha. I hope you're laughing right now because I certainly am. And my friends are done with me now. :D_
> 
> _I can't stop laughing. Hahaha. I swear I was going to write the real line but then I went back and read the letter and saw Isak in the end and just wrote it down. Hahaha._
> 
> _Anyway, it's "Hey, Even  
>  Guess who I'm falling for?"_
> 
> _Love, Even._
> 
> _Ps: baby, baby, baby. (I know exactly why I did that :D )_
> 
> _Ps2: I wonder if you get what I mean. :D_
> 
> _Ps3: Of course I've seen you today. Of course I've noticed the brushed hair and no snapback. I love this new Isak with better self esteem. You're so fucking hot. And delicious. Did I mention you're delicious?_
> 
> _Ps4: I loved the old Isak too. I hope you know that. But new Isak with more self love? Hot! :*_
> 
> _Ps5: It's called consonance here. But if the sound at the beginning of the words was repeated, then it would be alliteration. And it's great that you used it. Master of writing English._
> 
> _Ps6:  Playstayion 6! Ha! I'm way ahead of you in the future :D And Isak? I will gladly suck it if you let me._
> 
> _Ps7: I advice you to go read my previous letter. The LETTER, not note. Haha not note. Sounds funny. Anyway, go read that. The part about love. What I think is love. And the part where I said I've fallen in love with you. Then come back here and read this. **Isak, I really have fallen in love with you**. I haven't felt this way for anyone before. You're_ _so soft and caring and sweet. I haven't felt, what I feel for you, for anyone else. I feel less alone. I feel more happy. I could literally do anything for you. I would give up everything for you. It's only you and just you that I want. I feel complete. You complete me. I feel like you were meant to be mine. I feel so intensely. And while I had lots of feelings for Sonja, I realized now that it was more friendly. But you. It's so different. **I love you.** There's nothing friendly in there. It's all romantic. It's intense. It's so much, my heart wants to burst with it. And if you want more proof, like I said, I'm never a violent person. Never was. But I would kill someone for you. No kidding._
> 
> _Ps8: I don't mind you calling me a loser but seriously, babe. You lost. I won. Buuuuut I'll happily accept your offer and suck it. :p_
> 
> _Ps9: It felt so weird to change the subject like that... Like one minute I'm talking about how much I love you. I tried to pour all my love into words in this letter and my heart beat was getting faster and harder. And then just like that, I changed the subject. My heart is still threatening to explode though. That's why it feels weird that it seems I changed the topic so easily._

.

.

.

   


> Even, Even, Even,
> 
>  
> 
> I had to get rid of my friends and find an empty bathroom after I read your last note. Even, my heart was beating so fast, I didn't realize it was possible for hearts beat that much.
> 
> The things you said...
> 
> My heart is a mess, it's about to burst. My words are coming in verses and it's not even rehearsed.
> 
> I don't know what was that, things keep flowing. Where is my mind at? Why do I feel like exploding?
> 
> Now of all the times, my thoughts are coming in rhymes. I know that it's sappy, but it's just because I'm happy.
> 
> Hahaha, maybe you should know when I'm way too happy this always happens, raps keep bursting out of me. I don't know how to explain that. :) You think it's weird?
> 
> Even, I'm finding you have a lame taste, hahaha. And your movie title is the worst. You're so gonna need me to get to the Oscars. You should really stick with me.
> 
> And oh my God, Even, I know you are like an artist and you like to style your letters nicely. But who the fuck spends time making bold words? You're so full of bullshit. Hahahah. (But I laughed. I'm smiling all the time).
> 
> You asked me about this Karl jerk. I don't want to talk about him right now, ok? I'm so happy, I don't want him messing with my head right now, I just want to enjoy it now, this. :) I want to tell you, I will tell you, just not now, ok? 
> 
> Even, I don't want you beating, killing or dying for me. This is the exact opposite of what I could want from you, actually. Thinking about that makes me uneasy. Can you instead be nice, happy and live for me? I want that.
> 
> Even, you're a boy, but you know what? I decided I won't give a shit. I like you, Even. I like you and like you and like you. And I don't know why I repeat things like that when I'm happy. As you can see, I'm even more strange when I'm happy than when I'm sad. Maybe it's because I'm not that used to being in that light mood.
> 
> Even, I really like you. I have never felt that happy talking to anyone else in my life, not even Jonas. I have never felt a connection like that before. I don't know how to explain shit, but I know how I feel. Do you believe me?
> 
> Is it ok, though, if I don't say back all those things you said in your last note? Will you be mad at me? Is not easy for me, Even. I promise I'm working on it. I swear ok?
> 
> Even, I'm scared you will be tired of waiting for me at some point. I don't know when I will be ready to say all those things. What if it takes too long? 
> 
> Ps: Fuck, I won't have a heart after writing you this. I'm trying so hard, I'm pushing myself. I'm tired of being tired and scared if this makes any sense? 
> 
> Ps 1.5: "Ps: baby, baby, baby. (I know exactly why I did that :D ) Ps2: I wonder if you get what I mean. :D ". What do you mean by that, Even? 
> 
> Ps2: Fuck it, I want to say that, do whatever you want with that: I'm yours! Fuck it! This was difficult to say, but I liked it. Even, I want to be yours! YOURS! 
> 
> Ps3: hahahahahahahahahaha. I'm laughing like an idiot, Even. The things you do to me. I'm so happy, and maybe you were suspecting that after the fifth time I said it! We are such idiots, Even. So so so idiots. We're too idiots laughing for no reason. This is how things are gonna be from now on? You think we are gonna be that idiotic all the time?
> 
> Ps4: I love your name for real! Even Even Even Even Even Even Even Even Even Even Even Even Even Even Even Even Even Even Even Even Even Even Even Even Even Even Even Even Even Even Even Even Even Even Even Even Even Even Even Even. I think it's the name I like most, of them all! Even!
> 
> Ps5: Fuck I missed PS4 again! You're the only person that has ever made me forget about Playstation Even! If this isn't a proof of me liking you, I don't know what is.
> 
> Ps6: Even, being very honest. I don't know to behave or what to think when you say thinks like that "delicious" thing. I have never had anyone before saying things like that to me. I don't even understand what exactly you mean by that. No one has ever called me delicious, hot or whatever. To be honest when you say things like I'm delicious, I get all flushed and ok, I was basically shaking before I ran from my friends. So ridiculous, right, like a little kid with a crush. And why would I confess you that? Ugh...why my hands keep moving, writing things down before I can consciously think about them?
> 
> Ps7: :) Even. :)
> 
> Ps8: You probably already headed home, but if you're still here, can you write me more? Today maybe? I understand if you're busy, and maybe you'll only see this tomorrow. It's chill. But if you can write to me, it doesn't need to be long. Can you just say more things like you said in the previous note? Like you did in Ps7 maybe? If you feel like it? Please?? I want to read it again. You can say everything, I don't mind. You can even call me delicious. But if I don't mention some things is just because I'm still a little ashamed. Is it ok? I'm staying at the library studying with my friend this afternoon, I will check my locker later. 
> 
> Ps9: Hey Even, guess what? I'M YOURS. I want to say I'm yours and I'm doing just that. Are you proud of me? Hahahahahahaha. I don't know why I asked you that. I'm so stupid! But I'm laughing all the time! My mouth is starting to hurt, I'm serious! 
> 
> Ps10: Bye, Even :)

.

.

. 

   


> _To **my  **Isak baby_
> 
> _How is it possible that you demand something from me and I don't obey? Actually, I just finished class and saw you heading to the gym locker room with a paper in your hand, which could only mean one thing. You're a lucky one, I tell you. I feel really tired today and I was going to head home straight away but then I saw you. So of course, I had to read your note._
> 
> _Isak, you killed me. Fuck, are you serious? Is this real life? Am I dreaming? Are you joking with me?_
> 
> _I'm so fucking happy right now, baby. So happy. You make me so happy. I can't believe you actually said you're mine. Is this real? Or is it banter like the marriage thing? Please don't break my heart._ _But then again, don't lie, even if it breaks my heart. Just say the truth._
> 
> _I hope you know I'm yours since the day I saw you. I'm yours, Isak. I'm yours since day one. Since the day I saw you smile._
> 
> _This is our fate, I'm yours. D-do do you, but do you, d-do_
> 
> _But do you want to come on_
> 
> _Scooch on over closer dear_
> 
> _And I will nibble your ear_
> 
> _I'm yours ♡_
> 
> _Of course I am proud of you, baby! Look at you. You've grown so much, learned so much and opened up more. You're doing great. You're amazing. You're brave. I'm fucking proud!_
> 
> _You know, you made my day from this note. I feel giddy. These butterflies in my tummy won't stop and I kind of don't want them to, because it's the best feeling ever. I haven't had it in a long time. How about that for a little kid with a crush? Love, I feel the same about you. My lips were literally trembling when I read your note and my eyes were tearing up. Maybe you and the others were right about me being sensitive._
> 
> _Your words kill me in the best way just as mine kill you. I feel like my heart is going to just tear my skin apart, jump out of my chest and land right into your hands. I hope you'll take good care of it when that happens._
> 
> _I'm sorry that I don't express my feelings more. I'm sorry that I don't talk more about myself._
> 
> _I can't promise you anything about staying happy or alive, but I can promise you about being a good person. I will try my best to be happy for you and I will try my best to live, to not die, not as my own choice anyway._
> 
> _But I can promise I won't hurt anyone intentionally unless you ask me to. I will try my best to be at my best <3 _
> 
> _I like that you're writing rhymes. It was so nice to read them. Almost soothing. It made me smile. You're so talented, I must say. I can't come up with rhymes that easy. I have to sit and think for hours before I can come with something. You're perfect, baby. Perfect. How are you so perfect? Teach me._
> 
> _How dare you call my work of art, bullshit? :c I'm mad at you now. Baby can't even appreciate that I had to overline the words 'I love you' so many times so they emphasize how I feel about you, to attract your attention. But you have to go and call it bullshit. You broke my heart already :ccc_
> 
> _Just because **you are** a work of art, the real masterpiece, doesn't mean you should call other artwork bullshit :c_
> 
> _I'm pouting right now. That's why I'm writing this --- > :c _
> 
> _The moment I said 'I do', I promised I would stay by you forever so don't worry, you'll be right there with me on the red carpet and in my Oscar speech. I'm already thanking you for helping me in my movies in the future._
> 
> _I like you too, Isak. I like you sooooo much. I love you. But it's okay, lovely one. You don't have to say it back. I don't want to force you to love me too. You can't force someone to love you anyway. It's enough for me that you like me, whatever way. It's enough to make me happy. But please don't force yourself to the point that you'll get hurt. Take it step by step. Take all the time you need. I promised you forever when I said 'I do' even if it was just banter. I meant it though. I mean it when I say I'm yours. Which means I don't care how long you take, I will wait forever if I have to. At least I'll have you. It will be worth it._
> 
> _The waiting will be worth it, Isak, because I will finally have you in my arms._
> 
> _I don't care if we stay hidden for years or decades as long as you're with me. Just treat me like I'm Jonas or any of your other friends when we meet in public as long as I have you on my chest right above my heart, at night. Every night._
> 
> _And Isak, I do understand how you feel. I feel this connection between us too. It's like a pull towards you. I think you're my magnet. We attract, we feel the pull and we fit like those special magnets made with specific shapes that have a specific magnet to fit. Is that even real or am I talking about those things in the body? Enzymes? I can't believe I just used science to explain this, haha. You love science don't you?_
> 
> _I get that feeling. The 'tired of being tired and scared' feeling. I have experienced it myself, actually. And it makes perfect sense._
> 
> _You're like a magnet, attracting me when you smile. Baby I can't resist. But you laughing and smiling makes my heart full. I feel tranquility._
> 
> _When you laugh, it's like the whole world stopped. There's you and only you. And I did see you today, smiling, laughing, carefree. Just tell me, how do I resist you when you look like that? How do I stay away?_
> 
> _But you know what? I'm so happy. I'm just so freaking happy because the whole point of my letters and notes was to make you smile, to make that emptiness in your eyes fade away. I can't believe that I, Even Bech Naesheim, a complete utter fuck up, actually did something right for the first time. And guess how delighted I feel for finally doing something right? Yes. Very!_
> 
> _You need to calm down about my name, baby. It's just a name. Nothing special. But thank you. It makes my day. It makes me happy. I had a very shitty day. And you always brighten it up. My light ♡_
> 
> _I just want to say that if I disappear for a few days, please don't worry about me. I just don't feel too well. I feel down and maybe I won't be able to write letters, let alone get out of bed and come to school tomorrow. So don't worry about me. I'm just letting you know in advance. I don't want you to think I left you suddenly.  It's just that I feel so exhausted today. I think I need a break from school. Usually it takes a week or two. But I'll try my best for you. I hope you won't mind too much. I hope you won't be mad at me. Remember, you're my light ♡_
> 
> _You know that feeling when you see your food coming to you in a restaurant or something? I feel that way everytime I see you. And when you look at that mouth watering food and think that it looks delicious. Food that you love and can't wait to have? You think it looks just delicious! Yeah, that's what I'm talking about everytime I call you delicious. For now, I'm talking about just your lips. Later, who knows... ;)_
> 
> _Alright, baby. I'm heading home and if you don't hear from me, please forgive me. I'll try my best. I'm sorry.. I'm exhausted just by writing this letter. :c_
> 
> _Love, husband of Isak Valtersen_
> 
> _Ps: Baby. Baby. Baby. Justin Bieber's song, baby. That's what I was talking about. That song was so popular, no? I dedicate that song to you._
> 
> _(You know you love me), **I know you care. Just shout whenever, and I'll be there. You are my love. You are my heart.**_
> 
> _**Isak. Baby. You're my heart ♡** _
> 
> _Shit, I'm too tired to write another note to you right now. And I don't like scribbling. And well. I think I just lost you forever because of JB. Ugh jb! He ruined everything for me!_
> 
> _If you're wondering why I'm freaking out or why I'm so sure I lost you, it's because I heard from a friend of mine that Emma said you dissed JB the other day. Said he gives you a migraine. Shit I can't believe I forgot that and wrote this to you._
> 
> _Thing is, my friend likes this Emma girl and apparently, Emma likes you and won't stop talking about you. I just heard about this today, by the way. (Maybe that's why I needed clarification that you're mine, haha.)_
> 
> _Ps2: Just re-read the letter and... I didn't even realize I gave you my last name. And my policy of never scribbling out anything can never be broken. Whatever, it doesn't matter anyway because there's literally only one Even Bech in the whole 3rd year and it's me. So if you have the last name or not, it doesn't really matter. You could have found me with just my first and middle name._
> 
> _Ps3: Please don't leave me. I need you. You're my light :c_

.

.

.

   


> What is happening, Even? Fuck, have you headed home already? Why would you skip classes like that? What is the problem? Just tell me. Fuck, Even. How can you say things like that and expect me not to freak out?
> 
> I'm an imbecile, a self centered idiot who was too focused on his own damn shit to realize something was going on with you. I did notice you always spilling those dark things, but I thought it was just a form of expression. I didn't realize there was something going on. Fuck, I'm feeling so ashamed, I never ask about you, when all you do is make me feel good. And here I go again, putting my feelings in the spotlight. Shut the fuck up, Isak!
> 
> Even, please, I'm scared, don't let me hanging like that. Tell me what is going on with you. Why wouldn't you come to school? What is the problem?
> 
> I tried to find you using your full name. I searched Facebook, Google, but nothing came. How can you not be in any social media? You know, my first thoughts were that all of this was just a prank, that you were just playing me all along, all this time.
> 
> But you know what? I don't fucking care, I'm not even worried about it right now. I'm more concerned about the fact this isn't a prank, that you’re real and that you’re in some sort of trouble.
> 
> Even, please, please, please reply to this note as soon as you can.
> 
> Your letter made my stomach knot, some things you said, Even. And it was such a contrast to the previous one. But I guess I just have myself to blame. It's all my fucking fault, for always being so fucking closeted and a fucking coward, even when there is this guy who is so amazing that let me thinking I should try hard.
> 
> How could you think I'd treat you like Jonas? But I guess I get why you'd think that, it's all on me. Of course you'd think that, when all I say and do is tell you how scared and ashamed I am. Even, I'm not ashamed of you, I'm ashamed of myself. But Even, even if I'm not ready, I like you.
> 
> Even, I really like you, I like every single word of your letters, and I mean it. You’re always amazing, in every single one. And the things you say about me, to me? You make me feel so worthy. You’re so fucking nice. You make me want to love myself, to take care of myself.
> 
> Even, listen to me, I'd never, ever hide you or hurt you like that. I'm not ready for a lot of things. Maybe I'm not ready for the fucking world. But I'd never ever be with someone, hiding them from my friends, from my life. I wouldn't do that to you of all people.
> 
> I need time because when I'm in, I'm in. I'm not my father, I won't run. And maybe this is why I'm so scared, maybe this is why it's so difficult to let it go, because after I decide something there is no turn back. It's all in.
> 
> Even, I fucking like you ok? And fuck, but I'm crying. I cry too fucking much if you ask me. But I'm feeling too much now, I was so happy, then I got so scared with your letter. I'm ashamed of myself and I can't believe I like you that much. My heart is going to fucking explode someday with the things you make me feel. 
> 
> When you said your favorite line in my letter was my name, and then you said you were laughing like an idiot. Even, this was so ridiculous, but I laughed, so, so hard. Fuck, you're so cute. And I have never said this before. I mean, to anyone, ever. But you are.
> 
> I know that we don't know each other, but tbh how many people have you had such blunt and deep conversations with? How many people have you ever let in like that? You know me more than anyone else. You made me feel everything with your letters. I love every single word of them, I like how you see the world, I like even how full of bullshit you are.
> 
> Even, you’re so so full of bullshit, sometimes you let go these lame jokes, the ones that only parents would say, and fuck, it’s so shameful. You sang me Jason Mraz and fucking Justin Bieber, Even? You keep saying you’re my husband! You won't drop this joke. So yes, you're deeply, absurdly, stupidly full of bullshit. And this is just one of the things I love about you! You always make me laugh! I liked every single piece of your bullshit. Fuck, I love how your mind works, Even.
> 
> Even, I'm just trying to say in my twisted way that I like you. You. It's not a kind of a “I like you” childish, fifth grade thing. I mean it, I like you so much, you’re the best part of my day.
> 
> I meant it, Even. I know we don't know each other in person. That we're not boyfriends or whatever. But when I said I was yours, it wasn't just a joke. I don't know what is that, what we are, I just know that I wanted to say I was yours and I did just that. It felt right. It felt right to be yours, Even. You’re the one caring more about me, after all. It wasn't a joke.
> 
> Even, what is happening? Please, tell me. I won't judge you. Why would you ask me to not leave you? I won't. I will write you every single day, I promise you. And I'm known for keeping my promises, so hear me on that, I won't let you down. Just trust me.
> 
> I can't understand shit right now, Even. I keep repassing again and again your letters in my mind. The things you said. Why are you so sad sometimes? Why you keep saying you’re a fuck up? What happened? Why are you so down?
> 
> Fuck, Even. I'm so stupid. You asked my opinion about mentally ill people, I remember you saying it was important to you. Even, is this about that? Do you have some mentally ill people in your family too? Fuck, Even, are you struggling with something at home?
> 
> I won't leave you, Even. I'm not my fucking father. I promise you that. I swear, it doesn't matter even if you’re ugly or a fucking weirdo, we can be weirdos together. I don't know how healthy is this, but I need you too, Even. And fuck healthy. Don't leave me because I'm not leaving you.
> 
> I’m not leaving you because I'm your husband remember? See Even? This bullshit is for you, because of you. I will say lame things too if this is what you like. Because I like when you say them to me. And I like to think you smile saying them, it makes me happy to think about it.
> 
> Please, Even, share whatever it's about with me.
> 
>  
> 
> Isak,
> 
>  
> 
> Ps: Fuck Emma Larsen
> 
> Ps2: I'm still yours :)
> 
> Ps3: I like you so much, Even. Would you believe me? Maybe if I told you why? I like how cute you are. I like how you make it seems easy to like me. I like you don't judge me. I like you’re always nice and polite. I like when you say I'm pretty. I like how you always start a letter calling me these cheesy names. I like you make me laugh. I like even when you call me delicious, even if my heart was beating so fast when I read it that I couldn't think. I like you’re the person that made my heart beat faster than ever. I like it's you. I like you're a boy. I like you're two years older than me. I like you call me baby. I like how you never ever push me. I like the way you smell. I like that your jacket is mine and mine is yours. I like you're a dog person. And a Playstation one. I like how the things you say calm me down. I like you make sleep easier. I like you in my dreams. I like your name. I like you’re an artist. I like how much effort you put in every single line of your letters to me. I like you Even, more and more every new piece of paper.
> 
> And fuck, I'm ending this as you deserve:
> 
>  
> 
> Isak, husband of Even Bech Naeshein
> 
> <3


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you know, Even had already gone home so he didn't see Isak's last note.  
> Here, Even is replying to Isak's letter in chapter 9.  
> Just a little information:  
> ×Chapter 9 and 10 were all in the same day. Even received that letter (in chap 9) and then they sent each other notes during the same day.  
> ×The same day, Even went home and slept immediately. His day had been exhausting and the only time he genuinely smiled/laughed was reading Isak's letters/notes. He knows he's going into a depressive episode.  
> × But he wakes up at around 1am and thinks and thinks and in the end decides to write Isak a letter and finds a way to send it to him. He basically pushed himself to keep his promise to Isak

> _To my light <3_
> 
> _It's 2 in the morning but I can't sleep. My body feels so heavy and my thoughts are messing up my mind. But I promised you I would send you something_ _everyday so I'm writing this and I will try to find a way to send this to you._
> 
> _I'm really sorry if you're worried, I just don't feel too well. It's not as bad as you or I thought. At least I'm able to write this. I'm pushing myself because writing to you is important, YOU are important.._
> 
> _I'm replying to your letter in order, the letter I received today morning._
> 
> _Yes, Isak. I spend 2 days making that drawing because it had to be perfect. I guess I made a little sketch of you at school and I pay real attention to you, made it easier to capture every detail. I spent some time on the jacket and your hair but I think it turned out good, no? I'm content that you liked it. Feels good to know._
> 
> _I came to school at night like you do sometimes to keep the drawing in the jacket. Because I wasn't sure if I would have been able to wake up and come to school since I was already not feeling well. But then I remembered that I had promised you that I would send you notes everyday and if I disappeared for days without letting you know, you'd be worried or worse, you'd be hurt because you'd think this wasn't real. I know you by now to know that you'd get insecure and you'd think that I was playing you all along. I wasn't. I am not. So I came to school, went to classes, wrote you notes until I got even more exhausted and sent you the last note._
> 
> _I don't remember if I apologized for not being more open, but I am sorry. Right now, I feel like tearing this paper into million pieces because it feels foreign to open up like that. It felt so strange to write that and even more stranger when I think about you reading it. I swear it's not you, baby. I just haven't opened up to anyone for so long, that opening up has become something weird and unusal for me. I'm terrified of people actually seeing me. I'm sorry. I'm really trying._
> 
> _I won't tear this letter. I will let you read it, because I'd be a hypocrite if I didn't. You have sent me so many letters and notes opening up to me, saying random thoughts or actual feelings. I think I should brave myself and give you this one._
> 
> _Tell me more about this poster you found at Løkka. Did it have a picture of me? Why did you decide to take it? Does the person who made the poster pay you enough?_
> 
> _I'd be your butler no matter what. I'd do all of that for you, don't worry. I will spoil you. I don't need a pager. I can just live with you, what do you think?_
> 
> _Baby, stop freaking out about my previous lovers. I only had one girlfriend and we were together for 4 years. I guess I've done a lot for Sonja for the first 3 years but no, I haven't sent her any letters and no, I don't have another pen pal. Never had one. You're the only one. I am not going to cheat on you with another pen pal! That's such a horrible thing to do!_
> 
> _I did make little sketches of her, some with me in them too and gave them to her. No paintings though. I started learning painting last year and well, we've been on and off for so long and we've had so many fights, so I guess I never painted her. I associated painting with something that calms me down, makes me happy and something I enjoy. I guess I didn't want to associate it with her, who made me feel the complete opposite. I didn't want to ruin painting for me. I know it's cruel but I don't know what else I should have done or thought._
> 
> _"The worst feeling ever is when you open up to people, willing to have any kind of human connection, just to have your soul crushed for no reason."_
> 
> _Baby, you literally spoke my mind. It sucks but I think it's worth it if it's the right person. I hope you are the right person for me because you wouldn't crush me. And I sure do hope I don't hurt you either. I wouldn't ever, intentionally._
> 
> _You're right, you didn't deserve the bad things. You didn't deserve Karl being a terrible person to you. He's a bully and he should be reported. I didn't know this guy until today, actually. So I asked Sara and she told me how this guy harassed her with harsh words. I was so fucking angry! Maybe if all of you he harassed/bullied come together and complain, he can get expelled. He made so many girls uncomfortable and bullied a few boys too. And he made my baby cry. Fuck him. I will write a letter to the principal and get as many signatures from the victims as possible._
> 
> _Stage three, Karl Hansen. You're so fucking cute and so fucking hilarious. I like the way you think. You're so beautiful inside and out._
> 
> _I keep staring at that "my" you striked out before unicorn. I'm yours, Isak. Call me yours._
> 
> _I don't know why I'm so lonely. I just am. I'm all alone in my head. But thoughts of you make me less alone. Knowing you're there and reading my letters and replying somehow makes me less lonely than spending time with Kris and Sara. Isn't that weird?_
> 
> _I'm sad just because. There isn't any particular reason but I'm sure it can be explained using science._
> 
> _I'm sorry for dropping dark thoughts like that and worrying you. I'm sorry. I'll try not to. It's just my brain. It thinks like that._
> 
> _Mikael is straight, Isak and I didn't steal Mikael's girlfriend. I already told you, I kissed him after acting like a lunatic. But I'll tell you more about this after I feel better. In a week maybe?_
> 
> _You told me about your little giraffe, the stuffed toy, and I literally imagined you as a little kid, going everywhere with that animal in your hands or arms. I can imagine you, so little with chubby rosy cheeks, light green eyes and very short. Aaaah, I love babies. I love little kids._
> 
> _I don't know if I've already said this but I loved your speech. I'm keeping you for just that, so I have the best, the most memorable speech._
> 
> _You asked me how I manage to always be nice and kind? I'd say I just try my best. I've been through a lot, people have treated me like dirt, used me and threw me away. I don't want anyone to feel that way, the way I felt when people treated me like that. I want people to feel happy, smile and calm. I don't like hurting people. So I try my best to be kind. Why not give one smile or one nice compliment? Why not talk to people gently instead of shouting at them or blaming them or judging them or getting angry at them? Why not? What will it do to us to be kind? We won't lose anything. But we'll have made the other person's day. We'd have made them smile. We wouldn't have hurt them. I guess that's why I try to be as kind as possible. Also because of the happiness I receive from them after._
> 
> _I'm scared too, Isak. I'm terrified of telling you things about myself, specially my biggest secret. I'm terrified of your reaction. I'm so fucking scared, Isak. I get it. I get why you're so scared. And all I'll say is take your time baby. Take your time._
> 
> _You're right. There shouldn't be labels. There are so many labels for so many people and there is so much hate for it. Why is the world like that?_
> 
> _I hope you know that you don't have to label yourself and you can kiss boys and you'll still be Isak, even if people say otherwise. Fuck people anyway._
> 
> _I'm sorry. I'm usually not like this. Just too irritable._
> 
> _Moving on... Why would you having a mentally ill mother change things for me, the way I see you?_
> 
> _It's true. It must be really difficult, right, to deal with it all?_
> 
> _I'm not normal either, you're right. Shameless doesn't romanticize mental illness. It shows it's real and it's hard._
> 
> _Your description of love made me cry because I think that's what exactly love is. You stay by the person through jt all._
> 
> _I'm sorry about your parents, Isak. But people leave because they get tired. You can't blame them for putting themselves first._
> 
> _I vow to always take care of you and keep you happy. I vow to be your butler for the rest of my life. I hope you know I can't resist you and I can't deny you anything. You can tell me to jump from the window, and I would happily. I am willing to stay by your side forever, in sickness and in health. I'm willing. I won't run away and I'll find you in the afterlife too. I really do love you. I don't throw these words around for nothing._
> 
> _I do accept you as my husband._
> 
> _Now we're even. You have my vows too. We're officially married by letters._
> 
> _I swear your unbrushed hair looks like you put so much efforr into it. Like maybe you used some products, put the cap on and then used more product for the hair peaking at the sides. To style it into perfect curls. And you say it's unbrushed? Pfft._
> 
> _Holy shit your rap! I just remembered. I'm sorry, I came home and went straight to bed and fell asleep. I'm going to listen to it now._
> 
> _Isak, my ears have been blessed. I'm listening to it on repeat. Your voice is so beautiful and so soothing. I saved it on my phone too so I could listen to it anytime. Thank you love. Thank you ♡_
> 
> _You know, I'm in my bed with your jacket on and listening to your rap. It's so adorable. But your scent has started to fade and I don't like it that it's fading. :c_
> 
> _It's already 8 in the morning. Uff I took so long to write this letter. My hands were and still are trembling and I feel really tired. But a friend just visited me because my mom asked her to. *rolls my eyes.*_
> 
> _Anyway, I talked to her about you and asked her to drop this letter to you in school as a favour. She agreed. I'm so glad. But even when we're broken up, I'm still a burden to her. I wish I hadn't asked her. I wish I had just kept quiet and not have said a word about you so she'd have left without a burden._
> 
> _But I guess I was desperate. I needed you to get this letter today._
> 
> _Okay baby, don't worry about me. I won't be coming to school tomorrow either and I don't know if I'll be able to write more letters. My eyelids are dropping, I'm really sleepy so I have to end this letter here._
> 
> _Love, EBN_
> 
> _Ps: My email is ebn1997@gmail.com, so in the meantime I don't go to school, you can send me emails._
> 
> _I will try my best to reply. That is if I'm not sleeping or too lost in my thoughts or if my phone's out of charging._
> 
> _Ps2: You're fucking beautiful. You're perfect. You're stunning and you're so special._
> 
> _Ps3: Send me a picture of yourself everyday so I know how you look like when I'm not at school. Your beauty makes my day._
> 
> _Ps4: I reached playstation 4. ♡_
> 
> _Ps5: I know I might seem very brave and confident to you in my letters, and maybe in person too, but in reality, I'm just terrified and insecure as you are inside. Maybe I am even more than you are. Just wanted to put that out there. Everyone fears, Isak. We just hide it._

.

.

> To: ebn1997@gmail.com
> 
> From: Isakyaki@gmail.com
> 
>  
> 
> Even, are you there?? Please reply to this email as soon as you get it. I left like four notes for you before I received your letter with your email address. Thank God you sent me that. Not receiving your replies was driving me nuts.
> 
> Sonja gave me your letter, but she didn't say anything about what's hapenning. She said I should wait for you to tell me your story, that it wasn't her story to tell. She said you like me. I said I like you too.
> 
> Even, I keep reading your letters again and again. And every time I understand less. I don't get it, what is the problem? Are you feeling sick? Or are you in trouble?
> 
> You said you can't deny things for me. So please, Even, just tell me. Please, I can't go on like that. What do you expect from me? How can I keep chill when you are saying things like that? And now I'm mad at you, alright. It's not fair, I told you everything about me! I trust you with everything, why can't you trust me too? And maybe you think I'm just an immature boy, but if you just knew things I had to deal in my life. My life isn't a big rainbow, okay? I can handle things, believe it or not. I don't even live with my parents anymore.
> 
> I can't believe it. None of it. Now it's four in the morning and I'm writing this to you for hours. I didn't know how to start it, so I decided I’d just do what I do the best, just spill it out, and fuck structure.
> 
> I'm terrified, Even. I'm fucking scared by things I'm feeling for you. And I need you, Even. I need you more than ever, I feel so lonely that it hurts. Where are you? Why do I feel like you are going away? Why everything needs to be always so fucked up in my life?
> 
> Even, we have no past and no nothing, but it's empty and lonely without you. And I don't fucking know what I'm talking about, but it's late and I'm tired. Life is exhausting sometimes. Life sucks, because when you find the boy of your dreams life will punch you in your face and bring you back to reality.
> 
> Even, you’re like a dream. You’re everything I never dared to dream about. I don't quite know how to say how I feel, but please stay. I'm gonna learn.
> 
> I'm sorry for this mess. I'm a mess. I'm not mad at you anymore. Not anymore. I just like you and like you. I like you and like you. Fuck, my head is hurting, I should be sleeping. But I can't stop fucking thinking. Even, I can't quit you out of my head.
> 
> You don't need to tell me anything. It's okay. I'm sorry if I pushed you. I was thinking here, just do whatever makes you better, okay? Meanwhile I'm here, waiting for when you’re ready to tell me things. I wish you were here.
> 
> Everything is gonna be okay, Even. I don't know what is happening and I wished you’d let me help you half of how much you helped me. But it's going to be okay.
> 
> I told you and I'm telling you again. I’m right here, and I like you so much, Even. I'm seventeen years old and no one has ever made me feel like you do. I'm not good explaining how I feel, but it's like I can fly.
> 
> You know what is my problem? I always think too much, about everything. But it's different with you. Everything is fucking different with you. You came effortless, it's so easy with you. I wish you were here.
> 
> And it's strange if I feel like a missing someone that I have never seen? Gosh, I'm so ridiculous and this letter makes no sense, but it's too late and this is how things turned.
> 
> I'm feeling sleepy finally. But I don't want to stop writing to you. I'm thinking about you, Even, and it's the sweetest thing ever.
> 
> I want you to know it doesn't matter, who you are, how you are. I just like you immensely. Take your time and I will be here.
> 
> I'm sorry for pushing you, you don't need to tell anything you’re not ready to.
> 
>  
> 
> Yours,
> 
> Isak.
> 
>  
> 
> Ps: You really are, Even, my dream. I can't think in ways you could be any better

.

.

**2 days later**

> _To: Isakyaki@gmail.com_
> 
> _From: ebn1997@gmail.com_
> 
> _Subject: I'm sorry_
> 
> _Dear Isak,_
> 
> _I'm so sorry for worrying you like that. I'm so fucking sorry for hurting you and snatching your happiness and sleep away from you. I'm so fucking sorry that I'm a fuck up and that I always hurt people I love._
> 
> _Your email broke my heart. I cried for an hour before I started writing a reply. Now, I'm crying again, remembering everything that you said in your email to me._
> 
> _Fuck me. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry for disappearing for the past 2 days. Fuck, I'm sorry for making you think you lost me. No, baby. You will never lose me. I'll be the one losing you._
> 
> _I'm just sick, Isak. I'm sick. I don't have a life threatening disease, I'm not about to die, baby. I promise. I'm alive and I'm staying alive. I'm just not feeling too well._
> 
> _You're not a mess, baby. It's me who's the mess. I'm sorry I made you angry for not telling you things about myself. I am trying and I will. Please don't hate me. Please don't be mad at me. I just need time to get well. Once I am well, I will tell you everything, even if you leave me. Writing this email itself is exhausting. My life is a long story. I wouldn't be able to elaborate now._
> 
> _I'm your dream because you don't know me fully. You only know half of me. The other half is pretty terrifying. I'm staying baby. You're the one who'll leave me._
> 
> _And now I'm crying again. I can't see the screen. My phone is filled with tears and my vision is blurry._
> 
> _.........._
> 
> _I'm right here, Isak. Why are you so scared? Why do you think you've lost me? I'm right here, baby. I'm not going anywhere. But baby, I told you that I would only disappear for a while and then I'll be back. I told you that so you don't have to worry about me not sending you letters. I told you so you wouldn't worry that I suddenly disappeared. I didn't think telling you would make you anxious too. Either way, it was pointless. You'd worry both ways._
> 
> _So what we've never met? What you feel is valid. It's real. You liked talking to another person. And the person disappeared. Of course you'll miss them. It's called being human._
> 
> _It's not about trusting you Isak. I trust you, Is. It's about you leaving me when you know the real me._
> 
> _The reason why I'm always talking in riddles is because if I tell you the real thing, you'll leave me. Everybody leaves. I'm sure you'll do too. And now I'm thinking.._ _what's the point then? In not telling you when you'll leave anyway? I guess I should just tell you._
> 
> _God, my heart is about to explode. I'm so fucking scared right now. I don't know how to write it down and press send._
> 
> _I'm depressed, Isak._
> 
> _Regards,_
> 
> _Even Bech Naesheim_

_._

_._

> To: ebn1997@gmail.com  
>    
>  From: Isakyaki@gmail.com  
>    
>  Subject: Regards
> 
> Even, not writing to you those past two days was one of the most challenging things I have ever done. I almost, almost did. You have no idea how many times I wrote things just to delete them next. But one way or another I managed to stay away. And I'm glad I did.
> 
> I figured out you needed time, that you’d answer whenever you were ready. I didn't want to push you and make you feel guilty for not replying back, for whatever reason you needed to stay away.
> 
> I'm ashamed of my last email to you, I pushed you, and this is so fucking unfair. You never pushed me, never. And this is just one of the things I like so much about you. I appealed to emotional blackmail, and it makes me sick to think about it. How bad I handled all of this.
> 
> I know it isn't enough of an excuse, but I was frightened, about all the possibilities. I didn't think twice before writing down every single fear crossing my mind. Every single insecurity. It wasn't fair to you, Even.
> 
> Don't cry, Even. Please, thinking about you crying makes my chest tighten and compresses my heart and my lungs until I can't breathe. Don't cry amazing boy. I'm here.
> 
> Even, I'm staying, I'm here. And I decided something, I can't promise you a lot of things, I can't give you certainty or guaranties. I can't truly promise you I won't leave. There are no such things like certainties in the Universe. There are infinite possibilities and infinite ways I'd end up leaving you. I could be hit by a meteor in less than one minute from now, I could lose my memory. The Earth could fucking explode and all of this would stop existing.
> 
> But I realized there is something no one can take away from me, something I can promise you with all my heart. I can promise you I don't want to leave, I can promise you I can’t think in scenarios where I’d want to do so. I thought a lot, Even, I made up all sort of things in my head, but I never felt anything less than certainty about you.
> 
> I don't quite think there is a logical explanation for what I feel, but things are just as they are. There is something about the way you talk to me, that makes me easy as no one else did before. I can't quite understand what is that, it's like you know how to deal with me in ways that not even I know myself.
> 
> Anyway, I have this peaceful certainty inside me, about you. I like to be close to you if it makes any sense? I like we write to each other, and maybe it's about the fact you somehow filled pieces of this loneliness I always felt. And maybe you won't ever know how significant this is for me. I don't know if you have any idea how it's like to feel lonely, like really lonely. I hope you don't. Lonely in ways you can't describe. Knowing there are people who supposedly should be with you, loving you unconditionally, but that even they aren't there, no matter the reasons.
> 
> It's a big shock of reality and change the way you see the nights, alone on the bed. You know how small and insignificant and nothing you can feel in such scenarios? My mom can't take care of me (but it's not her fault). And my father just don't care. I'm since a while taking care of myself. Jonas is the only thing close to a family I have, but it isn't the same. Isn't the same as you.
> 
> I don't know if you understand what I'm trying to say in the most twisted of the ways. But Even, what you make me feel isn't…well, isn't simple. You filled me Even, you and your stupid jokes and stupid cheesy things and the little things you say, they give me company. And suddenly, since I met you, I can't feel that emptiness anymore.
> 
> I'm not saying it's all a big Carnival, but I have never felt less lonely than with you. And I don't know if you understand the importance of this realization for me. If you have never felt that lonely, that lost, there is no way to explain that to you in ways you will get it.
> 
> Even, I can't promise you the world, give you certainties or any fucking thing, I can just explain to you how you make me feel, and how all of this makes it amazingly hard, thinking about leaving all of this behind.
> 
> You’re depressed, and this breaks my heart. You’re sick and I can't make you better. I have dealt with my mother's depression and I know things, Even. I know it's not your fault. I know you don't deserve it, nice boy.
> 
> But, Even, this is still not enough to make me run to the hills. Try hard next time, because I’m sticking with you, okay? Would you believe me if I said no thought crossed my mind that wasn't about us, keeping this, whatever it is? Because it's good. Even when it's bad and I hurt is still good. And I don't make any sense.
> 
> Even, do you have a therapist? Were you diagnosed with depression? Are you taking meds? I guess all of my questions can be simplified to this single one: are you taking care of yourself? I learned from my mother’s struggles we can't minimize or underestimate this.
> 
> Everything is gonna be alright, Even. Just hold on, no matter how glassy things can look like now.
> 
> Keep ya head up, ooh, child  
>  Things are gonna get easier  
>  Keep ya head up, ooh, child  
>  Things'll get brighter  
>  Keep ya head up, ooh, child  
>  Things are gonna get easier  
>  Keep ya head up, ooh, child  
>  Things'll get brighter
> 
> No one knows your struggles, just you. And I acknowledge them, Even. I know it isn't easy. I'm proud of you just for trying. The efforts you make just to write me back.
> 
> But don't, Even. Don't write me back, just listen to me, and I'll tell you the same thing you told me before and is till this day one of the most powerful and soothing phrases you have ever said to me: you can try, just don't try too hard that it will hurt you.
> 
> Fucking, see how amazing you are? I didn't run to the hills, how could I? I'm still here, I will be here, just take your time. Fuck depression. Fuck really hard. Screw it. There is no thing you can say that you make me run away, okay?
> 
> Can you promise me you will try not to worry about me? Can you promise me to think about you and taking care of yourself? In return I promise you I will take care of myself, I will treat me good. I will even brush my hair and keep my deliciousness delicious (fuck, I'm pretty sure that now I'm purple, not red). I don't know why I said that.
> 
> Promise me you'll try not to cry? But it's okay if you need to. If it makes you better, it doesn't mean you failed.
> 
> Isak,
> 
> Husband of Even Bech Naesheim
> 
> Ps: I'm staring at the screen for minutes trying to write you something nice, something that will make you maybe laugh, smile. I don't know what to say, just write me back when you feel better, okay?
> 
> Ps2: Even, I feel so many things inside me, you feel the same? I can't stop thinking about you. I think about you every second of the day.
> 
> Ps3: I don't care you’re depressed. I mean, of course I care, I didn't want you dealing with it, but I mean it doesn't make you less to me. You’re still the boy that makes my heart jump with every single word. Still Even full of bullshit.
> 
> Ps4: regards? Regards? Regards? Am I your uncle? I mean, there is no definition for what we are, we're in this blur line between something and something else, that I can't explain. But tbh, regards made me grimace. When you feel well, fix it
> 
> Ps5: I'm kidding
> 
> Ps6: but not really. Regards? What is next? Best wishes?
> 
> Ps7: honestly, fuck “regards”, you own me a proper signature when you feel better
> 
> Ps8: have you notice I signed as “husband”??? You realize how fucking difficult and against every single anti-bullshit instinct is this for me?
> 
> Ps9: and no one else would write 500 ps about a signature.
> 
> Ps10: honestly? You called me Is, and this made my heart clench (in a good way). My mom was the only one calling me that. I like it. But again, I liked everything you called me. I was thinking,do you like to be called anything in particular?
> 
> Ps11: do you want me to write to you every day? Even if you can't reply? Or do you prefer I give you space? I swear I won't mind.
> 
> Ps12: this will look random, but I was wondering, what are your dreams, Even? I want to know what are the things making your heart beat faster, things that make you happy. 
> 
> I'm ending this now, okay? Feel better, baby. I'm here with you, just rest. And guess what? You are still my fucking dream. So shut up.
> 
> :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you skipped the notes in the beginning, I would recommend you to read them to understand better.


	12. Chapter 12

**3 days later**  

 

> To: ebn1997@gmail.com  
>    
>  From: Isakyaki@gmail.com  
>    
>  Subject: Hey
> 
> * * *
> 
> Hey, baby,
> 
> You never wrote me back (and it's okay! Totally fine, I swear). My point is, you never answered me if you prefer I write you, even when you can't, or if you want me to stay away for a while.
> 
> I'm cool with both options, but since you never replied, I guess the best option I decided is maybe I should write to you, because there is this chance you're reading this, even if you can't reply to it yet. There is this probability that maybe this makes you feel some good, so I couldn't help, but write to you. Just tell me if you want some space, okay? Otherwise, I'm going to write you, every day, every time I can. I'm not staying away anymore. Not until you ask me.
> 
> If you're interested to know, I'm fine, Even. I'm keeping my promise, I brush my hair every single day, even the days I'm wearing snapback. Can you believe it?
> 
> I hope you're getting better. Better, better, better. And here we go again, me repeating words for no reason. 
> 
> I'm having lunch with my friends now, but I had to write you this, I don't know why, but suddenly I felt an urge inside me, you know. Like, I managed to stay away three days, and it was so hard, so hard, Even. But then all of sudden it was like I couldn't, and I had to write you this. Like you were calling me. Are you okay?
> 
> You never replied to what names you like being called, so I decided for baby. You like it? You think it is weird? Tbh, it felt very strange to say that. Not a weird, bad strange, just different. I have never said this to anyone else before. I have never dated anyone. NOT THAT WE ARE DATING, I KNOW THAT. It's just that, well, you know. UGH. I'm the worst with that, Even. And I realize I can easily erase everything and you would never know. But it feels like I'm cheating whenever I erase something. It's like I'm editing my thoughts and hidding things from you. 
> 
> I'm sorry for all the rambling.
> 
> Get better, baby. 
> 
> PS: You're still my dream 

**.**

**4 days later**  

 

> To: ebn1997@gmail.com  
>    
>  From: Isakyaki@gmail.com  
>    
>  Subject: To My Baby
> 
> * * *
> 
> Baby, I miss you. I miss you so much, I miss you every second, I'm reading every single word you wrote me again and again. And sometimes I feel like you aren't real, like I made up everything in my mind, and this makes me breathe hard. But then I have your papers to prove you were there, you exist.
> 
> I'm sorry for bursting out all of this to you. It's 3 in the morning, and you know how everything seems more real, more scary when you are alone on your bed? This is one of these moments. The ones when not to hear from you gets hard. 
> 
> Get better, baby.
> 
> PS: You're my dream, Even 

**.**

**5 days later**    

 

> To: ebn1997@gmail.com  
>    
>  From: Isakyaki@gmail.com  
>    
>  Subject: To My Baby
> 
> * * *
> 
> Yesterday I dreamt about you, Even. It was amazing, we found each other in school, then we ate cheese toasts, lol. Don't blame me, it was my subconscious that created this shit. And I know it seems a shit of a dream, but it wasn't, I felt everything, just being around you. You think it will be like that if we ever met?
> 
> Even, I'm scared you will forget me. What if you get better and then you realize things are different? What if you don't like me anymore? I didn't forget you.
> 
> Sometimes I find myself smiling, and it's just because I'm thinking about you.
> 
> Please, come back. I miss you, immensely.
> 
> Get better, baby.
> 
> PS: My dream :)

**.**

**6 days later**  

 

> To: ebn1997@gmail.com  
>    
>  From: Isakyaki@gmail.com  
>    
>  Subject: I never sleep, 'cause sleep is the cousin of death
> 
> * * *
> 
> "Rappers, I monkey flip 'em, with the funky rhythm I be kickin'  
>  Musician, inflictin' composition of pain  
>  I'm like Scarface sniffin' cocaine  
>  Holdin' an M16, see with the pen I'm extreme"
> 
> I feel like that sometimes, "with the pen I'm extreme", with a pen I can write down things I'd never let out otherwise. I'm hearing rap a lot these days, you know. I'm writing some things too, but it's so lame you wouldn't believe. I just have no filter when I'm writing things. And fuck, stronger the feelings are, more things flow. And I'm feeling too much these last days. I won't bother you with details. 
> 
> I miss you, Even. And I guess NAS is the one keeping me company. I wish it was you instead. 
> 
> "Life is parallel to Hell, but I must maintain"
> 
> N.Y. State of Mind is a classic, do you even like it? 
> 
> I'm trying, Even. but I'm getting really concerned, I don't know how you're doing, and this is killing me, fucking killing me. Could you maybe just sent a reply? It can be blank, just a signal of life? I just want to know you're still there, still breathing, anything. 
> 
> Get better, baby. 
> 
> PS: Missing you like crazy. You're my dream, Even. 

**.**

**7 days later**   

  

> To: ebn1997@gmail.com  
>    
>  From: Isakyaki@gmail.com  
>    
>  Subject: lame 
> 
> * * *
> 
>  
> 
> Lol. Did you laugh? Huh? Maybe smiled?
> 
> Baby :)
> 
> Ps: Boy of my dreams. You. I think about you, I dream about you and I fucking like it. I'm glad it's you. 

**.**

**8 days later**  

 

> To: ebn1997@gmail.com  
>    
>  From: Isakyaki@gmail.com  
>    
>  Subject: Date
> 
> * * *
> 
> Even, have you dated a lot of people? I haven't. I have never dated anyone. I mean, I hooked up a lot, well maybe not a looot, and just girls. 
> 
> Do guys go on dates too? Like restaurant dinner with candles and dim lights? 
> 
> I don't know why I'm asking you this, I guess is because I was thinking, like, you dated people, you know how to do that. I can't understand one thing about dating someone. How people fucking manage to even get out and try? How peoplr manage to eat during a date? I can't imagine myself in a date, like a proper one, like in these american movies. I'd fucking freak out.
> 
> Sonja is so pretty. How can you say I'm pretty when you dated her? She seems nice. Are you still a little in love with her? I'm sorry, this came out of nowhere. It's not of my damn business. 
> 
> Baby, you think of me too? Sometimes? And fuck, but I'm just getting used to this baby thing. It's so easy to call you that. I don't even know if you like it.
> 
> Feel better, baby
> 
> Ps: I dreamt about you yesterday. 
> 
> Ps: again 

**.**

**9 days later**  

 

> To: ebn1997@gmail.com  
>    
>  From: Isakyaki@gmail.com  
>    
>  Subject: (no subject)
> 
> * * *
> 
> Hi, baby,
> 
> I'm sorry, I'm making it short, I'm not feeling very well today. I'm okay, just tired. 
> 
> Get better, baby

.

. 

> _To: Isakyaki@gmail.com_
> 
> _From: ebn1997@gmail.com_
> 
> _Subject: I love you_
> 
> * * *
> 
>   _Baby, are you okay?_
> 
> _Sent from my iPhone_

.

. 

> To: ebn1997@gmail.com  
>    
>  From: Isakyaki@gmail.com  
>    
>  Subject: (no subject)
> 
> * * *
> 
> Eveenenn!! Fuck, Even. It's you! Of course it's you. Why I'd need to remind you that you are you?
> 
> You replied!!!! I'm shaking, I'm about to cry!!!!
> 
> I'm not okay, Even. Okay? I'm the contrary of okay. Nine fucking days. I know I'm supposed to be selfless and good. But I miss you too much. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you when I'm awake. I miss you in my dreams. There is no part of the day I'm not missing you.
> 
> Fuck, Even. The subject of your e-mail. Oh my god. Fuck, Even. Now I'm crying. Why are you like that, huh? Evennnnn, I can't stop fucking thinking of you!!!
> 
> It's not an expression. I literally think of you all the time. Fuck, I can't stop crying now. It's like something was trapped inside me and now it bursted out.
> 
> I fell in love with you, Even! Hahahaha. Omg, I can't believe I said that. Omg. Omg. Omg. 
> 
> But it's true. It's completely true. It's here, it's real, it's true. True, true, true! Even Bech Naesheim, I'm fucking in love with you! 

.

. 

> _To: Isakyaki@gmail.com_
> 
> _From: ebn1997@gmail.com_
> 
> _Subject: I miss you too_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _I love you so much._
> 
> _I miss you so much, baby. So fucking much. I miss seeing you and your smile._
> 
> _I'm crying too, reading your emails._
> 
> _I've been on the low_
> 
> _I been taking my time_
> 
> _I feel like I'm out of my mind_
> 
> _It feel like my life ain't mine_
> 
> _I don't wanna be alive_
> 
> _I don't wanna be alive_
> 
> _I just wanna die today_
> 
> _I just wanna die_
> 
> _Sent from my iPhone_

. 

. 

> To: ebn1997@gmail.com  
>    
>  From: Isakyaki@gmail.com  
>    
>  Subject: (no subject)
> 
> * * *
> 
> Wtf is that Even? Tell me it's just a poem you liked. Tell me it's just poetry. Please, please, please. What is that

_._

. 

> To: ebn1997@gmail.com  
>    
>  From: Isakyaki@gmail.com  
>    
>  Subject: (no subject)
> 
> * * *
> 
> Answer me, Even please plesse please please pleasr.

.

.

> _To: Isakyaki@gmail.com_
> 
> _From: ebn1997@gmail.com_
> 
> _Subject: I'm okay_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _Sorry baby I didn't mean to worry you. It's just lyrics of a song._
> 
> _Can I see your beautiful smile? I miss you._
> 
> _Sent from my iPhone_

_._

. 

> To: ebn1997@gmail.com  
>    
>  From: Isakyaki@gmail.com  
>    
>  Subject: (no subject) 
> 
> * * *
> 
> Fuck, Even! You scared the shit out of me! Don't do that, seriously. What did you expect me to think? You weren't answering, after sending that song. Fuck, my heart is trying to leave my body.
> 
> How are you, Even?? Are you feeling a little better?
> 
> Have you seen I sent you e-mails every day? Were you reading them?
> 
> Fuck, I'm sorry if I'm bombarding you with all these questions, feel free to ignore all of them, ok?
> 
> Baby :)
> 
> Have you notice I called you baby? Did you like it?
> 
> Even, you said you want to see me...and fuck, this was very weird, if you want to know, but check the attached image. It's not like I was expecting I'd need to send you a photo today, okay? This explains why it's nothing of special. I mean, I look tired, and the quality is pretty shit, but well, I had to take it between classes. I hope you don't mind. Fuck, I can't believe I'm sending you this, it's so lame, Even. And I'm not smiling, this would be too weird! I hope you don't mind it. You'll probably hate it, right. Let me press the send button before I decide to delete all of this.
> 
> \--
> 
> **C3TDwOdWAAA8ZpE.png**  
> 

.

.

> _To: Isakyaki@gmail.com_
> 
> _From: ebn1997@gmail.com_
> 
> _Subject: I want your lips on mine_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _Delicious and handsome like always. Thank y_
> 
> _Sent from my iPhone_

.

. 

> To: ebn1997@gmail.com  
>    
>  From: Isakyaki@gmail.com  
>    
>  Subject: Shut up!
> 
> * * *
> 
> I'm literally in my low of the week, Even! I'm a mess! And I'm certainly not looking "delicious". Tbh, I still feel things in my stomach whenever you call me that. :p
> 
> You know you don't need to answer me back, right? I know I kind of bursted out a couple of things earlier, but now I'm much better. You have no idea how much you replying to me made me happy. No idea. Fuck, I missed you so much.
> 
> You can just stop replying, okay? Don't reply to me today.
> 
> :)
> 
> I'm happy.
> 
> :)
> 
> I was about to ask you if you were feeling better. But I won't. Because I don't want you feeling pressured, like you need to get better, like I can't wait. Take your time, don't ever ever ever ever ever rush yourself or push yourself too much. Don't hurt my baby. 
> 
> You mind if I call you baby?
> 
> As I said, I have never called anyone else like that. And I kind of like it.
> 
> No need to reply me ok? Just relax. It's chill. I'm here. 

.

.

> _To: Isakyaki@gmail.com_
> 
> _From: ebn1997@gmail.com_
> 
> _Subject: Call me baby_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _I'm sorry i couldn't keep my promise of sending you notes everyday. I fuck up everything. No wonder you don't want to date me._

> _You're delicious to me even if not to yourself. I can't stop staring at your lips_

> _Sent from my iPhone_

.

.

> To: ebn1997@gmail.com  
>    
>  From: Isakyaki@gmail.com  
>    
>  Subject: Lips 
> 
> * * *
> 
> Shut up, Even. What matters isn't wether you wrote me every single day or not, it's more about the quality of the letters. Do you not agree? Like, some of your letters worthed dozens of regular ones. You have got credit, Even. Chill out.

> And hm...about this date thing? Why are you saying that? From where did you get it?
> 
> Even, I'm curious about something...have you read every phrase of my e-mails? Or did you skip some parts? It's okay if you did! I just wanted to know if you read everything, even the things that maybe I have never said before. Maybe you skipped some words because you're tired, maybe you didn't notice some things. Or I don't know, maybe you just didn't comment because you didn't feel like that, and it's chill. Well, we're chill, right? I'm chill, I'm the master of being chill. 

> See the attachment. It's just for you, baby. Don't show to anyone else! Bye.
> 
> \--
> 
> **lips.png**  
> 

.

.

> To: ebn1997@gmail.com  
>    
>  From: Isakyaki@gmail.com  
>    
>  Subject: Good night
> 
> * * *
> 
> You're probably asleep by now and I'm going to bed too. Sooo, good night, Even.
> 
> Just one more thing I was thinking, don't push yourself too much, okay? Take it one day at time.
> 
> I'm here, I'm going nowhere.
> 
> We can talk if you need, or we can just stay quiet, and I will be thinking of you. My point is, you are not alone, Even.
> 
> Night, baby. 
> 
> :)

.

.

>  _To: Isakyaki@gmail.com_
> 
>  _From: ebn1997@gmail.com_
> 
>  _Subject: Are you trying to kill me with that pic?_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _Good night, baby_  
> 
> 
>  _Sent from my iPhone_


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS  
> Joking about Kidnapping, Murder, Robbery

**Next day (Day 10)**

 

> To: ebn1997@gmail.com  
>    
>  From: Isakyaki@gmail.com  
>    
>  Subject: IAILWY
> 
> * * *
> 
> Good morning, baby. :)
> 
> Even, I'm curious about something, why did you say I don't want to go on a date with you? How could you possibly understand that? I want, you know, one day. I keep thinking about all these cheesy things when I'm thinking of you.
> 
> What a plot twist, I never thought I'd be like that to be honest. Like, Isak Valtersen? I wasn't supposed to care about these shits, I was supposed to be cold and heartless, like a real rapper. And I was trying, I was living my life in peace. Okay, maybe peace isn't the word...I was living my life quietly, but then you came and turned everything fucking upside down. You and everything you say, you made me face things I didn't want, and now I'm not the same. I won't be ever again. Even, now my days consist of thinking of you, dreaming of you. I hope you're happy now!
> 
> I don't know if I'll be ready for everything like tomorrow, but someday? Maybe I can wait for you, and you can wait for me too? I'm working on my shit, I swear. But it's still difficult, I don't know how long it will take before I can be fully with the world.
> 
> But I had to comment on this comment you made about the date thing, this kept going over and over again in my head. I had to write you to ask about that. I don't know how or when, but I want it, Even. I don't even know if you'd like it or if you would even ask me one day. And it's not easy for me to say that, but I want it, okay?
> 
> I think I'm ready to tell you something, that you already figured out a long time ago, but it's important to me saying that to you, I never said it to anyone else before. And you need to be the first. So here it goes...
> 
> Even, I don't like girls. I like boys.
> 
> Actually I like one boy in particular. And it's you, idiot, in case it isn't clear like water! Even Bech Naesheim, I like you!
> 
> And this is it. This doesn't need to be a big of a deal, right? This can be chill. Fuck, I'm shaking, lol. But it's ok, it's chill.

.

. 

 

> _To: Isakyaki@gmail.com_
> 
> _From: ebn1997@gmail.com_
> 
> _Subject: what is IAILWY?_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _Good morning, love._

> _You said "not that we're dating" in capitals like the mere thought of you dating me was 'never in a million years', impossible. Like you didn't want anything like that._

> _I'm proud of you. You've come a long way._

> _And I'm happy that you chose to tell me first. Am I really that important to you? You could've told Jonas first._

> _I like boys too, this one boy specifically. And you know who he is._

> _Sent from my iPhone_

.

.

 

> To: ebn1997@gmail.com  
>    
>  From: Isakyaki@gmail.com  
>    
>  Subject: IAILWY...think harder
> 
> * * *
> 
> No, I don't. Tell me.

.

.

 

> _To: Isakyaki@gmail.com_
> 
> _From: ebn1997@gmail.com_
> 
> _Subject: Can't think properly right now, brain is messed up_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _You know.. that boy. The one who sent me a picture of his perfect lips yesterday. The boy who is both my lock screen and home screen background now._
> 
> _The boy I'm in love with_
> 
> \--
> 
> **Screen Shot 11-21 at 12.12.21.png**  
> 

.

.

 

> To: ebn1997@gmail.com  
>    
>  From: Isakyaki@gmail.com  
>    
>  Subject: (no subject)
> 
> * * *
> 
> OMG, EVEN. WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS MAKING MY HEART A BIG MESS, HUH???!! FUCK, EVEN. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WOULD USE ME AS YOUR LOCKSCREEN!
> 
> HAVEN'T I MADE IT CLEAR HOW IMPORTANT YOU'RE AT THIS POINT? OF COURSE YOU ARE. I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW YOU LOOK LIKE, BUT YOU ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN MY LIFE CURRENTLY. YOU, BABY. IS IT CLEAR NOW?
> 
> AND I DIDN'T SAY THAT I COULDN'T IMAGINE MYSELF DATING YOU! IT'S ALL THAT I FUCKING IMAGINE, TO BE HONEST! I SAID I COULDN'T PICTURE ME ACTING NORMALLY IN SUCH SCENARIO, I WOULD PROBABLY BE VERY WEIRD AND QUIET. YOU WOULD PROBABLY HATE IT!
> 
> I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M WRITING IT LIKE THIS! I GUESS MY THOUGHTS ARE LOUD RIGHT NOW! HAHAHAHA. YOU! ALWAYS YOU, MAKING ME LIKE THIS!
> 
> EVEN, YOU THINK ONE DAY YOU WOULD ASK ME OUT?

.

.

 

> _To: Isakyaki@gmail.com_
> 
> _From: ebn1997@gmail.com_
> 
> _Subject: Date_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _Of course I would. You just have to tell me when._

> _Just say "ask me", and I'll ask you. But you know me, big gestures and all so don't be upset if it takes a biiiit time._

> _Best wishes_

> _The husband, Ebn_

.

.  

 

> To: ebn1997@gmail.com  
>    
>  From: Isakyaki@gmail.com  
>    
>  Subject: IAILWY ;)
> 
> * * *
> 
> Hahahahahaha, fuck you! Best wishes???!!! I can see you're getting into your usual bullshit persona again. Best wishes!? You owe me two decent signatures now, like, good ones. And I'm counting! And yeah, I'm like that! :p
> 
> So, I ask you to ask me? lol. "ask me", like a safe word? But in our case a push forward word? It seems chill, though, I like it. We can take it totally chill, right?? Like, no pressure, no pushing? All of this still scares me a little, to be honest. But then I think about you and I like you, Even. A lot! 
> 
> I don't want to stop this, Even. Whatever it is. :) Baby.
> 
> Respectfully,
> 
> The other husband, Isak Valtersen

.

.

 **(Next day) Day 11**   

 

> _To: Isakyaki@gmail.com_
> 
> _From: ebn1997@gmail.com_
> 
> _Subject: IAILWY too_
> 
> * * *
> 
>   _I finally figured out what that means. I am in love with you. Right? I love you too my beautiful baby._

> _I feel better today. Feel like myself. Kind of. A bit tired, yes but more myself._

> _I only do this "bullshit" to make you laugh or just smile. But mainly, I do it so that you can get all riled up. It's so cute, you being all demanding and angry._

> _Yes baby. I always told you that I will never push you, which means we are taking this chill until you say "ask me". Yep, that's our code word. I'll be at your service!_

> _(Even though I want you so bad, specially after you sent me that photo of your lips. You almost killed me. I wasn't expecting it. But I promise, it's only for me.)_

> _My lock screen, though. There are high chances others MAY see, but I promise I'll be careful._

> _You know I told my mom and Sonja that you're my boyfriend? I even showed Sonja a picture of you. (from insta)_

> _Btw, I forgot to mention... that if you're quiet or awkward during our date, I'll just kiss you. I have been wanting to do that from the day I saw you._

> _Yours sincerely_

> _Even Bech Valtersen ;)_

> _Ps: I hope this signature was worse than best wishes/regards. :D_

> _Ps2: You use "respectfully" and then judge me for regards. Pfft._

> _Ps3: I fucking love it when you call me baby._

.

.    

 

> To: ebn1997@gmail.com  
>    
>  From: Isakyaki@gmail.com  
>    
>  Subject: To My Baby
> 
> * * *
> 
> I'm so happy you're getting better, baby. :)

> You figured out. :) It's true, you know. And I didn't say that to make you feel better. I mean, I don't even know if it makes you feel better, but if it does, it wasn't because of that I did it. It was more because I couldn't not to say? Ugh, I know I'm not making any sense. I'm not good at this stuff, saying things like that...I'm sorry if I can't say all those nice words you're always saying to me, and maybe you're going to realize soon how bad I'm at that liking people stuff, how bad I'm at making them feel good, because I simply can't say nice things, I don't know how, and of course now I'm just rambling and you probably stopped reading it like one hundred words ago, and I wouldn't judge you if you did it, this is confusing even in my head, and of course, I now made it about myself again, when all I'm trying to do is say things that matters for you...FUCK, I fell in love with you, okay?

> I fell in love with your mind, with your words. What about that?

> Baby :)

> What did they say, your mother and Sonja? I mean, about me? 

> You can't say things like that! That you will kiss me if I got awkward on our date! Now how am I supposed to ever ask you to ask me? Because let me tell you, if you're going to kiss me every time I'm weird, boy, it will be a lot of kissing.

> Sincerly IAILWY,

> Isak

> Ps: Did you like my new signature?

> Ps2: Even, maybe it'd be polite to ask the boy you're saying is your boyfriend before saying it to other people? 

> Ps3: What I'm trying to say is: you can ask me. Not the date thing! Not yet, but maybe this other thing?

.

. 

 

> _To: Isakyaki@gmail.com_
> 
> _From: ebn1997@gmail.com_
> 
> _Subject: You make me feel good_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _Isak you do make me feel good. You left me so many emails for nine fucking days. Who does that much effort nowadays? Very few. You're special and I will always love you._
> 
> _You are amazing, my love. You make me feel so happy. And you saying you're in love with me? I think I'm starting to be more confident. I want to tell you things about myself. And I will. Soon. Very soon._
> 
> _I know how it feels to just want to blurt out that you love someone. I totally get what you're trying to say there. I always feel that way. There's some things inside of me and I feel so intensely, it makes me want to just say it, scream it out loud._
> 
> _You know, I was joking when I said I told them that you were my boyfriend. I didn't. I only told them that I am in love with you and that we're talking, that's it._
> 
> _My mom said she was happy for me, that I didn't give up on love after the worst break up with Sonja. And mom said that you are a beautiful sweet boy. My mom and I have the best tastes, always._
> 
> _And Sonja said that you were a great guy. I told her about your letter, your words.. where you talked about mental illness. She was so happy for me. She said you were perfect for me._
> 
> _I loved your signature. But did you like mine? Even Bech Valtersen? Or do you want to be Isak Bech Naesheim? Or we can both keep each other's name?_
> 
> _Sweet wishes from your husband_
> 
> _Even_
> 
> _Ps: Shit, I forgot to say this. So what, we will be kissing the whole time on the date? What's bad in that anyway? I've been waiting for 3 months for your lips. Even if you weren't awkward on the date, I'd still keep kissing you every 2 seconds._
> 
> _I love you._

.

.   

 

> To: ebn1997@gmail.com  
>    
>  From: Isakyaki@gmail.com  
>    
>  Subject: If you just knew how close to be a heart this title was...
> 
> * * *
> 
> I wasn't giving up, Even, you know. I swear. I was going to write you every single day, no matter how long it took you to get better. I don't really understand why or how, I just know that I wanted it. Would you believe it if I said writing to you was the best part of my day? 
> 
> All the things you say, Even. You're honestly the best boy I know. How are you so good all the time, huh? To be honest I can't quite believe you still write me back, you seem so cool. Why me? I don't get it, Even. No one has ever seen me like you.
> 
> You can tell me anything, baby. I won't judge you. Ever. I mean, if you tell me you robbed a bank or killed someone, I'm maybe judging you a little bit. But I'm serious, okay? I learned a couple of things with this amazing boy I exchange letters with, you know. One of them was about trying, but not to the point that it hurts you. Trying, but not forcing yourself. You can just take your time, I'll be here when you're ready to tell me, okay? It's your decision about what you're prepared to let go about yourself. 
> 
> Meanwhile, I will be here, even if we didn't even meet each other yet. I'm here, in love with you. Oh, have I mentioned you that? I kind of am slightly in love with a boy, and guess what? It turns to be you! hahahaha. It's like after I said this the first time I just need to keep telling you that, again and again. I'm in love with the best person I know. Okay, I'm stopping now. This is becoming really ridiculous.
> 
> I feel very weird thinking of you telling people about me. It's like I'm important or something like that. It's strange. Your mother really said that? Now I'm blushing. I don't know how to deal with parents. Not even mine! Maybe can you tell your mom I said thank you? I mean, for calling me beautiful and sweet? 
> 
> Sonja seems great. I'm glad you have a friend like her. To be honest, I don't know what would have been of me if it wasn't by her. You know that day she sent me your letter? I was so lost, she calm me down, she hugged me and it was very soothing. I don't know if she told you, but we have been texting a little. She always asks how I am. I like here, she is so sweet. Once she said she understood why you liked me, because I looked like a baby. What have you told her about me??!! Huh?
> 
> But can I be trully open with you? Sometimes my mind makes up these thoughts I can't really get rid of. Like, you're clearly an amazing boy and she is sweet and gorgeous. I don't get why you wouldn't prefer her? I don't get why wouldn't you be in love with her instead. Are you sure you like me? Why, Even. When you could have her?
> 
> I'm sorry, I didn't mean to sound jealous, I don't know, I guess I'm just not confident. 
> 
> Fuck. hahahaha, I hadn't notice your signature before, can you believe that? Even, here you're again, with all this bullshit. You are taking this wedding joke way too far, do you not think? I, Isak Naesheim-Valtersen, am not into this stuff. Please, just stop it. 
> 
> Yours, Isak Bech-Valtersen
> 
> Ps: every time you say those three words my heart stops. I told you I'm not saying this recklessly, right? I hope you understand if I'm not saying it back, not right now. Is it enough if I just say I'm in love with you for now? What if I said I fell more and more in love every passing minute? You know how much I want to say those three words? But I won't because when I say that, Even, then you are going to know how deep their meaning are for me. Is it okay?
> 
> Ps2: my fav color is orange. hahahaha, just kidding. Why no one's fav color is orange? But I don't know if I have a fav color. I guess colors are just colors? If I had to pick one though...maybe blue?
> 
> Ps3: I want to know so many things about you. What is your fav Nas song? 
> 
> Ps4: You know, I wouldn't mind if you asked me some things too. My fav color, or even other things I talked about in my last letter. Not THE "ask me" thing yet. But maybe other things? Have you read my Ps2 in the last email?

.

.

 

> _To: Isakyaki@gmail.com_
> 
> _From: ebn1997@gmail.com_
> 
> _Subject: Where is he, the man who was just like me?_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _I don't know where to start replying to your email..._

> _Baby, you are beaking my heart. I could ask you the same thing, then. Why me, Isak? Why? What do you see in me? My fucked up brain and me not being able to keep promises because of it. Then why me? Why?_

> _Whatever the answer is, i'd say the same about you, love. You're beautiful in my eyes. You touched ny heart. There's something about you, I wouldn't be able to forget you even if I tried to. You're stubborn and demanding and grumpy. You're a softie inside, you're kind and you're delicious. Did I mention you're delicious? I think I haven't mentioned that. Well Isak, you are delicious. You're caring and loving and you can be tough when needed to be. You're perfect. So you need to stop asking me why you unless you want me to keep asking you why ME?_

> _Do you know how happy it makes me to know that you were willing to stay with me all this time, willing to do the hard work, willing to write to me everyday. It makes me feel less alone._

> _I believe you, baby. I believe everything you say. I trust you, with my heart._

> _Actually...baby, please don't judge me. Please. :c_

> _You already guessed it... I went to rob a bank because I was broke and needed the money. I did it successfully but I accidentally killed a man who tried to stop me. I had no intentions of killing him but he tried to stop me, so I pointed the gun at him, just to scare him a little and accidentally pulled the trigger. I never meant to kill him, Isak but I did because I didn't know how to use guns._

> _That is what happened. I wasn't caught because I was wearing a mask. But I have always regretted that choice, robbing the bank and killing a person. It eats at me._

> _Anyway..._

> _It's weird to see a previous lover being friends with the current lover. And I hate it. Because it makes my baby doubt himself. I hate it. But I can't tell you what to do._

> _I'm glad that she helped you calm down at that time but talking to her is only making you doubt yourself, and I hate that._

> _Isak, baby. Sonja was so controlling. She acted like she was my babysitter, always watching me and telling me not to do this, not to do that. I get that she was worried, that she was doing it for my good but I'm not a child. Let me live my life. Sometimes I just want to act like a normal teenager but she wouldn't let me like she's my parent or babysitter._

> _You get tired of that, of the controlling. Would you like it if someone pushed you, forced you, controlled you and everything you did?_

> _She wasn't good for me. We are better as friends._

> _Funny you are. You say Isak Naesheim-Valtersen and then say you're not into this stuff. Wow._

> _But our wedding isn't a joke! That letter where you said 'I do' is really framed and put on my wall in my room._

> _Haha, I can't believe you're using my own words with me. Yes baby, I will try but I won't force myself to the point it hurts, I promise. But thank you for being here. I really really love you. It's not hard to love you, baby. It's so easy. Just blink in my direction and voila, I'm yours forever and ever._

> _It warms my heart everytime you say you are in love with me. Please don't ever stop saying it because I am in love with you too. And baby, it's enough for me. You talking to me is enough. What more can I ask for?_

> _Baby, you ARE important. You are the most important person in my life. You are my everything, you are my light. You are my life, my love, my heart._

> _Cherry Wine by Nas. My favourite song :)_

> _Where is he, the man who was like me?_

> _I heard he was hidin' somewhere I can't see_

> _With all respect 'cause you the only one that gets me_

> _Yeah yeah, let's pour some cherry wine_

> _Everything's good, everything's fine_

> _Life is good, no matter what, life is good._

> _Life is good with you in it, baby. Thank you for choosing to stay when you should have ran to the hills_

> _Regards and best wishes_

> _Even Bech Valtersen-Naesheim_

> _Ps: I don't mind if you don't say the three words yet. Actually, to think about that, you already said the best three words to me. Do you want know which ones?_

_._

_._  

 

> To: ebn1997@gmail.com  
>    
>  From: Isakyaki@gmail.com  
>    
>  Subject: I'm in love with you, baby :)
> 
> * * *
> 
> What are the three words, Even? "Master of rapping"? Lol
> 
> Why aren't you answering about the thing I said you could ask me? Can you read my ps2 two emails ago? ^
> 
> And of course, as soon as I pressed the reply button Gabrielle started playing in my Spotify! Why the fuck is Spotify suggesting me this shit?? Maybe I should change to Deezer?
> 
> I forgot what I was about to write to you. Let me think...Aaaaaah, I just want to say sorry for doubting that you like me all the time. It's because I'm not very used to all of this being liked thing. But I get your point, I'd be sad if you didn't believe I love you. So I will try my best. If you say you like me I'm going to believe it. So, can you maybe say it again?? And maybe the delicious thing too? I don't think you have ever said it. :p
> 
> Baby, seriously, spill it out. There is nothing you could say that would make me run to the hills. Maybe if I told you about some scenarios? You know, every time you say you want to tell me something and then don't I make up all worst scenarios in my head. It's being an interesting exercise, I'm not gonna lie. But I still couldn't make up a scenario that would scare me away.
> 
> Maybe if I told you some examples this would relax you? For example, you could be blind, you could use a fucking aluminium leg, you could be fat, you could be ugly. It would all be fine.
> 
> I wouldn't think anything less of you. I just want to be able to be around you. But to be honest there are a couple of things I can't admit, you being Karl Hansen or you being dumb. And I absolutely can't accept you not being Even Bech Naesheim, I'm sorry if this is a little harsh of me, but this is mandatory.
> 
> I'm not judging you, okay?? How can I judge you considering everything? And I'm so glad you admitted everything about your felonies, Even. Phewww, this really took the weight off my shoulders. I thought maybe you were going to judge me just because of these kidnappings here and there. Why can't people understand that when I kidnapped them it's nothing personal? I just have a status quo I need to maintain, how difficult is it to understand? You know how expensive is Spotify and Netflix? People are just selfish.
> 
> What if you robbed a bank and accidentally killed someone? It was all an accident right? How could I judge you? If you were never caught, this is what counts, after all. You're such an idiot, hahahaha. You can't imagine how happy I'm that you are making these stupid jokes again. Are you like that in person?
> 
> I will try never controlling you, baby! I mean, not that I'm at any position to control you, of course. I'm just saying I understand what you said. It's pretty fucked up of someone trying to control someone else. My friend Mahdi had this girlfriend once that tried to dictate every single part of his life. I think I became more gay after seeing their relationship.
> 
> Fuck.
> 
> Even. This was the first time I said it. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck, my heart is racing. Fuck Even. Like, you're a boy and I'm in love with you, but I have never said that before. Is this stupid, to feel like that? Fuck. :( I wish you were here.
> 
> But seriously, can you say some of those Jedi things you always say and that calm me down? Please? I'm kind of slightly freacking out. Please talk to me.

.

. 

 

> _To: Isakyaki@gmail.com_
> 
> _From: ebn1997@gmail.com_
> 
> _Subject: My delicious baby_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _Breathe baby, breathe. It's good progress. You're doing really great and I'm so proud of you. You are so brave._
> 
> _It's totally fine to feel like this after saying it out for the first time. It's okay love. I'm right here. I'm with you. Am I in your heart? Keep me there and you will feel my presence._
> 
> _I keep you in mine. That's why you're always with me._
> 
> _But baby I'm right here. Shh, breathe. It's okay. It's only me. You trust me right?_
> 
> _I'm gay too. Sooo gay for you. Isak why did you have to look so delicious all the time? Baby you are soooooooo delicious. I have never seen anyone else as delicious as you. Fucking delicious._
> 
> _I bet you actually taste delicious too. And I don't mean just your lips._
> 
> _OK FUCK IM SORRY I'M BEING INAPPROPRIATE!_ _I TYPED IT ALL IN A HURRY. NORMALLY I WOULD HAVE KEPT MY THOUGHTS TO MYSELF BUT IN A HURRY, I JUST WROTE THEM WITHOUT EVEN NOTICING BECAUSE YOU ASKED ME TO CALL YOU DELICIOUS. SHIT. SORRY._
> 
> _But I can't just cut it out because you told me you never erase anything. I would be a hypocrite if I erased it. Please just ignore it or slap me when you meet me._
> 
> _I'll reply to the rest after sending this one because I wrote this in a hurry since you needed me. And how could I let my baby feel alone?_
> 
> _Even Valtersen_

.

.

 

> To: ebn1997@gmail.com  
>    
>  From: Isakyaki@gmail.com  
>    
>  Subject: (no subject)
> 
> * * *
> 
> HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAH
> 
> OMG EVEN! 
> 
> I can't believe you make me laugh like that now. Fuck, you're so cute.
> 
> Slap you? Hahahahahahaha. Oh my god, I'm losing my breath. I could almost see you freacking out as your email progressed.
> 
> Thank you baby, you always make me so fucking happy. Are you sure you don't have Isak's Valtersen manual with you?
> 
> You can call me delicious, I think it's my fav thing you have ever called me. I don't know why, but it makes me all messed up, in a good way.
> 
> You can say everything is in your mind. I can tell you if it's too much, okay? There was not a single word you said to me that wasn't perfect. Fuck it, it's soooo fucking cheesy, but I'm gonna say it: you are perfect. :)
> 
> Thanks for taking care of me even by the internet. You always make me feel good. Always. :) I hope you know my expectations are just getting higher and higher. 
> 
> But baby, if you're in love with me, why wouldn't you reply to my ps2? Have you read it? What do you think about it?
> 
> Yours,
> 
> Isak Bech Naesheim

.

.

 

> _To: Isakyaki@gmail.com_
> 
> _From: ebn1997@gmail.com_
> 
> _Subject: My delicious baby (2)_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _The 3 words are "I am yours" Isak. You said you were mine and those WERE the best 3 words I got from you._  
> 
> _Yes, I capitalized the "were" because it's past tense now. My new favourite 3 words from you, now, are "I love you". I'm fucking dying, Isak. You indirectly admitted those 3 words. Ahh my heart. :ccccc_
> 
> _Baby I'm printing your email with the subject "I'm in love with you baby :)" and framing it and posting it on my wall too because it's your first love declaration. Our marriage certificate and love confession framed._
> 
> _Did you just.. did you really just said it? Oh my god._
> 
> _You're so fucking funny. I must admit, your kidnapping joke was funny but baby... I was 100% serious about bank robbing and murder._
> 
> _Why do you think I always hesitated to tell you what I had done a few months ago? Why do you think I was always scared to tell you and never opened up? This was a big thing and this happened. But you are taking it as some joke._
> 
> _It scared me, Isak. I have been down ever since. I failed my third year because of how guilty and horrible I felt._
> 
> _Isak why do you think I didn't immediately tell you? You kept asking me again and again to tell you what I had done, what I was so ashamed of, what made me hate myself but when I finally told you... you didn't even believe it. I guess it was better to have kept it to myself, to not open up to you._
> 
> _Anyway, I will always take care of you baby. You are my heart and my life, my whole life. You are my baby. Of course I would take care of you._
> 
> _It must have been so hard for Mahdi to have someone controlling his whole life like that. It's so unhealthy._
> 
> _My life, I'm a bit busy and I don't remember what Ps2 said and which email it was. I'll read it and answer later since I'm busy right now. I'll check it, don't worry._
> 
> _And thank you for understanding how it is to be controlled by someone and promising to never control me. Thank you._
> 
> _Your lover,_
> 
> _Even Bech Valtersen_
> 
> _Ps: You are delicious, my life ♡_

.

.

**Day 12**

 

> To: ebn1997@gmail.com  
>    
>  From: Isakyaki@gmail.com  
>    
>  Subject: Good morning, baby
> 
> * * *
> 
> Even, I'm sorry if I stopped replying to you yesterday. I fell asleep with my phone on my chest and just woke up now. I slept a good nine hours! I can't even remember last time that happened. I didn't remember how it was to be that rested, I feel like everything is okay in the world, hahaha.
> 
> But, Even...YOU CAN'T FRAME THAT E-MAIL! THAT DIDN'T COUNT! IT SLIPPED THAT WAY! YOU NEED TO WAIT FOR WHEN I'M READY TO SAY I LOVE YOU FOR REAL! THAT I LOVE YOU DOESN'T COUNT, YOU HEAR ME? YOU CAN'T FRAME IT, I FORBID YOU! IT'S NOT I LOVE YOU LIKE IN I LOVE YOU YET. 
> 
> Hmmm...but just in case it felt too harsh, for your knowledge I'm still in love with you, okay? And you know how people in movies say they love someone more and more every passing day? I always thought it was such cheesy bullshit, but fuck, I can swear, I'm more in love with you today than I was yesterday.
> 
> I love the way you make me feel. I love you call me delicious all the time. I love how extra you are, calling me things like "your life", and "husband". I love how full of bullshit you are and how you won't drop this fucking bank robbery shit, I love that you make me laugh. I love that you are always nice and that you made me want to admit I'm in love with a boy. I love that when I think about how I was before you I can't even recognize myself. 
> 
> Fuck, this e-mail is getting so ridiculous. Gosh, what have you done to me!
> 
> Even, sometimes I can't believe you're real. Sometimes I feel like telling people about you, about me. I'm thinking about telling Jonas, he deserves to know that there is a boy I like and that like me back. Right?
> 
> But baby, why are you ignoring my ps2? Have you changed your mind? Were you joking? It's okay if you did, if you think it's too soon, just tell me. Otherwise WHY THE FUCK WOULDN'T YOU ASK ME THIS BOYFRIEND THING??
> 
> ASK ME THE BOYFRIEND QUESTION! 

.

.

 

> _To: Isakyaki@gmail.com_
> 
> _From: ebn1997@gmail.com_
> 
> _Subject: Good morning, my life♡_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _Hi baby. I don't mind that you stopped replying. I'm just glad that you got to have a good night's sleep._  

> _I'm sleeping well too. You do wonders to me. Falling in love is just great. *sigghhhh adoringly*_

> _You said it again! You said 4 more times! You said I love you 4 times! How am I not supposed to frame it? I'm definitely framing it! You can't stop me, baby._

> _And when you finally visit my place, you'll see that I wasn't kidding about framing the marriage certificate letter. It literally says Marriage certificate on top :D_

> _I already printed the love confession and now I just have to look for a frame that fits. It will be named "First love confession". Like it?_

> _I'm in looooove with you tooooo baby. I see you everywhere. My dreams, my thoughts and school ofc :D_

> _I fall for you more and more everyday. No kidding in this._

> _My life, I love the way you demand for things. I love the way you get fake angry. I love how cute you are all the fucking time. (I don't like how impatient you are. Kidding. It's actually so cute that you are impatient about this thing.)_

> _Please don't be impatient with me all the time, though. Specially during depressive episodes, or I would probably lose it and snap at you. It happens. I would never want that but irritability is one symptom of depression and I do feel it._

> _But I love every single thing about you. You are just amazing! Beautiful. You're my light. You make my bad days better. You managed to make me smile a little during the past week when I was depressed. No one else could even make me talk to them._

> _You are my life, though because if I lose you, I'll lose myself._

> _But tell me, how do you trust a stranger on the internet? How do you think I'm so kind and nice all the time? How can you say I didn't rob the bank or kill a person? How are you so sure?_

> _You can tell whoever you want about me, about us. I will never force you, my love. Do it on your own pace. And don't worry about me._

> _I respect you and your wishes. Why else do you think I still haven't just walked up to you and told you who I am?_

> _Damnit baby! Did you forget I like doing my big gestures for my lovers? Would you please let me do it? I could ask you by email but it's boring. You just have to wait for it. Remember, the wait is always worth it._

> _With lots of love and kisses,_

> _Your baby <3_

.

.

 

> To: ebn1997@gmail.com  
>    
>  From: Isakyaki@gmail.com  
>    
>  Subject: Things I love about you
> 
> * * *
> 
> You're right, we can't trust people we found in internet, but we do can trust people we met by letters! Rá! 
> 
> But seriously, I trust you. And maybe I'm a stupid kid, but I chose to trust you and be in love with you. And fuck, honestly it wasn't like I had much choice on that. And maybe I'm wrong on trusting you, fuck everything then, because nothing will make sense anyway. In this case, just fuck the universe. Can you say I can trust you? Please?
> 
> I love so much talking to you, I don't know how to come back to before...before you.
> 
> I loved how you called yourself my baby. Fuck I loved it so fucking much. You're the only baby I have ever had. I love you're a lot of my firsts. I love how you made me feel alive. I love so much you exist, baby.
> 
> Thanks for existing and being my baby.

.

.

 

> _To: Isakyaki@gmail.com_
> 
> _From: ebn1997@gmail.com_
> 
> _Subject: My baby_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _Baby, I can assure you that you can trust me. Which means you should trust me when I say what I had done in the past. :c_

> _I love talking to you too. I love the fact that you trust me. I love how you call me baby. (Yes, I'm your baby. I'm yours.)_

> _I love the way you make me feel or smile. I love how you give me butterflies everytime you call me husband or baby. I love you._

> _And I'm glad that you exist too. Meant to be mine, just mine <3 _

> _Love and kisses,_

> _Even Bech V-N_

_._

_._

 

> To: ebn1997@gmail.com  
>    
>  From: Isakyaki@gmail.com  
>    
>  Subject: Things I love about you (2)
> 
> * * *
> 
> Okay, Even. Lets say you robbed a bank and killed someone (!) like this was just regular Wednesday. Why would you, a teenager, be robbing a bank at first place, Even? In fucking Oslo, the unicorn city of the world?
> 
> And fuck, but I love that you live in Oslo. I love to know that when I'm ready I can say the words that will make us meet. Right? I love you're willing to wait for me. I love how you make me feel, and I'm probably repeating myself here, but it's a repetitive feeling, what can I do?
> 
> I do not love, though, when you say "lovers" in the plural. Okay, I realize how fucked up it is, but we're being honest with each other, right? So, I don't like it.
> 
> Is there anything you wouldn't do for anyone else, just for me? I'm not saying I'm the most special person in the world, and that I deserve to be unique, I'm just saying that maybe some things just would make sense with me? 
> 
> I love that you love when I call you baby, my baby husband :D
> 
> I still love when you call me this husband shit. And delicious. Always delicious. :p
> 
> You're my baby and I'm your baby.
> 
> Isak Bech-Valtersen

.

. 

 

> _To: Isakyaki@gmail.com_
> 
> _From: ebn1997@gmail.com_
> 
> _Subject: Good night, my delicious baby_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _I'm sorry I took too long to reply. I was busy with something ;)_

> _Well, I already told you. I was broke. I needed the money for school. What else was I supposed to do? I do a job at KB and my mom works as a waitress but the money wasn't enough. I needed money for my last semester. If I didn't pay, I would have been kicked out._

> _My heart, baby. You do so many things to my heart when you call me baby. Don't ever stop._

> _I love your smile. I love your eyes and eyebrows. I fucking absolutely definitely love your lips. I need to make a confession. I kiss my phone screen everytime I want to kiss you. And it's a lot of times, you can't even imagine._

> _I love how adorable you are, like a cute little baby. You make my heart flutter._

> _Well, I never called anyone else my delicious. Haha, this reminds me of my precious. But we're not talking about that right now._

> _You need to understand that those lovers were the past. It was the past. You're my present and hopefully the future. Please, stop thinking too much about my past lovers._

> _Just remember, you're my one and only lover. And I hope you are, till death does us apart._

> _I need to sleep now, delicious baby. Good night, my adorable little lover <3_

> _Sweet kisses from_

> _Your legal and 100% real husband, Even_

_._

_._

 

> To: ebn1997@gmail.com  
>    
>  From: Isakyaki@gmail.com  
>    
>  Subject: Good night
> 
> * * *
> 
> Is it weird that I love to think you kissed the phone? Did you kiss that photo I sent you with my lips? It's okay if you did. I sent it just for you, baby.
> 
> Even, I want to tell you something...I was texting Sonja...we're doing that a lot, you know. She's very nice, always asking me how I am.
> 
> But the point is, she said you're beautiful. She didn't give me details or anything. She just said you're blonde and that you have blue eyes. And I can't stop thinking about you (what a surprise). I'm so curious. I wish I could let go all my fears and just meet you.
> 
> But I'm so nervous. And curious. And scared. And thrilled. And in love. Have I said that?
> 
> And it's not because you're beautiful. And she's probably just exaggerating it, because her descriptions are so absurd. And I can't accept someone perfect like you could be that perfect.
> 
> I think I figured you out, actually. I bet you're that kind of person that are so great, so nice and with such a bright smile that obfuscate everything surrounding them. That kind of person whose beauty isn't defined by their external features, but for something more, I bet your beauty is like that, it leaks from the inside and makes you shine.
> 
> I bet I would find you beautiful any way. I don't care how you look like. I swear. Would you believe me? I just care about you being that person you're, always so good for me. 
> 
> Sleep tight, my beautiful boy. 
> 
> :D
> 
> I'm in love with my baby, who would have guessed that would be possible 1 month ago, huh?
> 
> Good night, my baby, the man that is just like me.
> 
> Your baby,
> 
> Isak BN
> 
> Ps: I'm in love with you
> 
> Ps2: I'm in love with you
> 
> Ps3: I'm in love with you
> 
> Ps4: fuck ps4, I'm in love with you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your lovely comments. <3
> 
> If you felt anything let us know. What was your fav part?


	14. Chapter 14

  **Day 13 (Monday)**

     

> _To my delicious, beautiful baby,_
> 
> _I'm finally back at writing letters to you. It's Saturday today, the day I start writing this letter, and I am actually feeling way better than I've been feeling the past week so I decided to reply to all of your emails in this letter. I know you sent me so many and I hardly replied to any of them until Friday. Forgive me, baby. It wasn't on purpose. I'm going to reply to everything now._
> 
> _But first, I want you to know that I was reading parts of your emails at first even when I couldn't reply. They were long and full of love, made me cry so many times. But when you sent a very small email saying you didn't feel too good, I had to push myself because I love you so much and I care about you so much._
> 
> _Anyway, I'll start in order, from the first email I didn't reply to._
> 
> _I really don't mind that you pushed me a little because I get that you were worried. I get it. I threw a huge bomb on you saying I would disappear, of course you'd act the way you did, demanding for answers. But I'm also happy that you didn't push me after, that you kept sending me emails to show me that I'm not all alone. So thank you. ♡_
> 
> _Please don't talk about leaving me. I will die if you do. Don't say you will die and leave me all alone here. I know it's only been a month and 25 days, but you're my life. I'll lose myself if I lose you._
> 
> _Thought I should have reminded you that again. That you're my life._
> 
> _I know loneliness, Isak. I've felt it too and I know what you're talking about. I'm so sorry that you felt that way but It's nice to know that I could fill it and make you feel less alone. I'd know the feeling because you filled my lonely heart too. Thank you for choosing me and my messed up mind._
> 
> _I'm sorry about your parents. Baby, it hurts me to know you don't have a family. It pains me to know that your father left you and your mother all alone. You said you don't live with her anymore? Where is she now? How is she?_
> 
> _I don't know what to say about your father. He could have just gotten your mom some help. Maybe take her to a hospital? But instead, he left her and you too. Okay, I don't blame him for not wanting a mentally ill person (not that your mom deserved to be left) but you? My perfect little baby. How could he leave you too, baby? I'm so fucking sorry he left you. Be mine, baby. And I'll never leave you. I'll be your everything._
> 
> _I'm so fucking scared that you'll leave me because of my brain though. But it wouldn't be your fault. You are allowed to leave. You're allowed to choose yourself._
> 
> _Let's forget this shit talk. I don't want to make you too sad. I wanted to make you smile, happy. Guess I failed._
> 
> _Did I forget to tell you that I actually do have an Isak Valtersen manual? Like, it says all the things I should do and say to you to make your heart flutter and give you butterflies. I do exact those things written in the book and it works._
> 
> _This book appeared in my room out of nowhere on the day I found out your name. I think you're my soulmate, maybe that's the reason the book came to me._
> 
> _I love writing to you too. It makes me so happy and calm and it's relaxing, soothing my heart. You're so perfect in all ways. You made me hate myself less because you make me believe everything you say, even the good things you talk about me. Because I trust you with my heart and with my whole life. Because you're my life._
> 
> _Now to your questions, yes. Yes, I have a therapist, I go to her every 2 weeks. I was diagnosed, yes but not exactly depression. And I have meds that I do take them everyday. I am taking care of myself. I really don't want to hurt my mother again or other people I love. I don't want to hurt you. I could feel your sadness in your emails when I was depressed. I don't want to make you sad._
> 
> _Whenever I am depressed, I won't be able to talk to you. That's why you have to be very careful to make this one decision. I have a surprise for you. Make a very careful, wise decision. Think properly before you choose._
> 
> _I just want to thank you so much for trying your best with me these past days, sending me these lyrics and sweet words._
> 
> _I love you. You're everything._
> 
> _You asked me to promise to keep myself healthy. Baby, I will try my best and I will take care of myself. And it's so good to know that you're taking care of yourself too._
> 
> _Is, baby. You're the most demanding 17 year old I've met. I love how you get all riled up with regards and best wishes. I have a surprise coming for you, like I said. ;)_
> 
> _My dreams, Is, have I never told you? I always wanted to become a director. I love films and I want to study film and media studies. Then I'll see where to go from there._
> 
> _I also love art. It started as distraction for me when I had the strong urge to hurt myself physically. But I began to love art. Everything about art is beautiful._
> 
> _And you're my dream too. ♡_
> 
> _Even though I'm not depressed anymore, I still want you to write to me everyday. If I ever want space, I would ask you._
> 
> _But no, I don't want space, Isak. We are not the universe. We're not astraunaunts. *rolls my eyes*_
> 
> _You made the best choice to write to me everyday because it made me happy. Valued. Thank you. It made me feel loved and wanted._
> 
> _I've missed you soooo much too. You're incredible, baby. I'm sorry I made you wait this long._
> 
> _But babe, I just remembered that we had a deal not to apologize too much, and here I am, saying sorry at least a thousand times in this letter. Haha, fuck that deal I guess. I can't stand knowing I hurt you, made you upset and not even being able to apologize for it._
> 
> _Anyway, I think it will be fucking amazing when we meet! I will pick you up in my arms and spin you around and just press our lips together. Or I could leave the last part out if we're in public._
> 
> _I'm better and I realized that I'm more in love with you than I was 10 days ago. So you were wrong to think that I would suddenly wake up and stop loving you. Pshhffttt. Babe, I know my own feelings. I know what I feel. Stop doubting it, please. Sonja used to doubt my feelings a lot._
> 
> _Baby, what have you been writing? More rap? I want to read it and I want to hear you. I don't know if you remember but I haven't forgotten the rap you recorded for me. I do listen to it a lot. Whenever I feel lonely, mostly. You keep me company._
> 
> _And when I was depressed, your voice was the only thing that grounded me. Reminded me that I had to get better. That I promised to try to not end all of this. That I promised not to ever leave you on purpose._
> 
> _Baby, Nas is my favourite and I love everything of his. What kind of a question is "do you even like NY state of mind"?_
> 
>  
> 
> _I ran like a cheetah, with thoughts of an assasin after I robbed that bank._
> 
> _Be havin' dreams that I'm gansta._
> 
> _Makin' sure the cash came correct._
> 
> _Cops could just arrest me, blamin' us_
> 
> _Omg Isak, this suits my bank robbery situation so much._
> 
>  
> 
> _Ah and my best, favourite line is:_
> 
> _I never sleep 'cause sleep is the cousin of death._
> 
>  
> 
> _Anyways, baby. Moving on._
> 
> _Your "it's been 84 years" gif made me smile at that time, even when I didn't want to smile. But seeing it again, right now. It makes me laugh so much. You're the cutest._
> 
> _Me? I'm the boy of your dreams? You are talking about... ME? Wow._
> 
> _Baby you're the man of my dreams too._
> 
> _Dating... I started dating Sonja when I was 15. She's the only one person I ever dated. And we've been together since then. We have been on and off for a long time but we're finally over now. It's just me and you now and I hope it's forever._
> 
> _Anyway, yes I have gone on dates. Took her to restaurants, candle light dinners, film premiers, dates at home where I cooked.. blablabla. It doesn't matter what happened in the past, baby. Forget that. Think about us._
> 
> _I'm not in love with her, not even a bit. But I do love her as a friend, as someone who stayed with me through hards times and put up with me and my bullshit, our fights. I suppose, I was scared to let her go because we were dating for 4 years. I wasn't sure if I would be able to live without her. But once it was over, I actually felt lighter. Hurt too, but somehow, it wasn't the end of the world like I thought it would be._
> 
> _We fought a lot, the last day. She kept forcing me to stop drinking, and then started bringing up my past when I refused. She talked about how it messed with my meds and how I lost it before. She wouldn't let me be a person of my own. It was like I was her robot, controlled fully by her when she was my gf._
> 
> _I think it's better that we're only friends, me and Sonja._
> 
> _Because she's a great friend. And she doesn't deserve to be with someone who she thinks could lose himself any moment so instead she controls him._
> 
> _In that case, you don't deserve to be with me either. But I can see you're not giving up. And I want you as much as you say you want me. We can give it a try._
> 
> _I just want to hold you in my arms and protect you. I don't want you to cry because of me._
> 
> _You know the things you feel in your stomach are called butterflies? I feel them a lot too._
> 
> _I did notice that you changed a lot, became more open and free but I feel like you were mad at me for making you like this?? I mean... read that 2nd paragraph in your email with the subject IAILWY._
> 
> _I can assure you, Isak, that THIS IS YOU. Underneath everything, this was YOU, always have been. I didn't make you like this. I just helped a bit to break those walls that you build around yourself and closed yourself in._
> 
> _You were never cold or heartless. You just thought you were. You just told yourself that. But you weren't._
> 
> _I can wait for you for a long time. And seriously, I don't mind if you don't want anyone to know yet. But if you're planning to tell Jonas, that's great. And if you dont end up telling him, that's okay too._
> 
> _Reading all your words again, about how important I am to you and how you love me, it warms my heart and my doubts fly away. It makes me happy and nakes me more loving with myself._
> 
> _Now, onto your last email._
> 
> _I hate it that you're talking to Sonja. She's my ex. It's so awkward, my ex and current lover texting, talking, mainly about me._
> 
> _I hate that you found out about my eyes and hair from her. What's wrong in just asking me? I mean I already told you about my eyes and my height. Why wouldn't I tell you about anything else about myself?_
> 
> _But maybe I won't send you any picture because I want to see your real reaction when you see me for the first time. That can only happen if you've never seen me before. Tell me you haven't searched me up anywhere?? Tell me you don't know how I look like..._
> 
> _And tell me Sonja hasn't sent you any pic of me. I hope not._
> 
> _And Is... baby, I really fear that she might start controlling you too._
> 
> _But what I fear the most is... her telling you things about me that I'm not ready to tell you yet. Or a photo of me. I promise I will tell you everything about myself but I only want to make you happy at the moment._
> 
> _Buuuut I wanted to say this one thing to you._
> 
> _Let's say Sonja is beautiful. She is. But Is, you need to remember that a relationship doesn't work on how a person looks like. We aren't automatically happy and have a healthy relationship if she's pretty. What matters is how compatible we are, how we work around each other. How we show care for each other._
> 
> _Relationship is about love and compromises. It's about how we treat ourselves and each other._
> 
> _It's not about looks. It's not about how much of a beauty your partner is._
> 
> _In that case, you're the most beautiful boy in the world. I'd choose you._
> 
> _But it's not about that. It's about how you are just there for me. How you just listen to me and say sweet things to me to make me smile. How you don't push me and don't control me. How you treat me like I'm the best person in the world for you._
> 
> _How you're always loving and caring. How you don't treat me like a child. How you do everything you could do to make me feel less alone._
> 
> _Anyway, I do kiss your picture. The lips one especially. Because they are just asking to be kissed. How do you expect me to stay away when you send me pictures of your parted lips! Uff!_
> 
> _With love,_
> 
> _Husband Even Bech Valtersen-Naesheim_
> 
> _Ps: I'm in love with you._
> 
> _Ps2: I love how you said fuck ps4 and instead said that you're in love with me_
> 
> _Ps3: I love how you said you're in love with me 4 times._
> 
> _Ps4: I'm in love with you too. Can't wait to finally have you, delicious boy._
> 
> _Delicious boy. Hm. Talking about your deliciousness, it reminds me of that time I freaked out after saying you're delicious in all ways. Hahahah, I laughed too, but only after your reply came. Because it was hilarious but mostly because I was relieved that you weren't uncomfortable._
> 
> _I'm hilarious no?_
> 
> _Ps5: The surprise is coming soon.♡_
> 
> _Love you♡_

.

.  

> Hey baby,
> 
> Oh my God, Even. One month and 25 days? Are you counting? And who says you'd be the one spinning me when we first meet? Maybe I'd spin you! I'm very strong, you know? I do push-ups daily, for your information. I can lift all my friends up on my shoulders. I mean, one at a time, of course :p. What about you letting the spin part with me and then you can take care of the kiss? Because, man, I have no idea how to start it.
> 
> But could we take our time before kissing? This makes me so nervous. But I want it Even, and I want to meet you so badly. I can't stop thinking about you and about it. I feel so comfortable talking to you by letters and emails. But I wouldn't know how to react in person. What if I screw everything up? What if I'm too shy and weird? Oh my God, what if it's awkward? I don't want to lose you because of me being a mess. Baby, we're going to figure out things, right? Fuck, you make me feel so optimist, Even. I guess it's the fucking love feeling.
> 
> And you wanna make me happy? Let me tell you, I was so happy when I saw this paper in my locker. You have no idea, no fucking idea. Then I read it, and I felt one million things more. As always. Your letters make me feel too much, Even.
> 
> First and most important, I feel loved. I feel so fucking loved all the time. And this is such an amazing feeling. You make me believe you love me and that you care. I'm sorry if I doubt you (or myself) sometimes, I get how it could hurt you because I don't want you having any doubts about what I feel for you (I'm in love with you, by the way). I'll try harder, I won't let my doubts take the best of me because, baby, I do feel loved. I'll stick with that. Man, every damn time after reading your letters I'm like that, trying to keep my heart in my chest because all of this is too much. You're too much, Even.
> 
> You are, and when I said you're my dream, that wasn't quite accurate. I never dreamt of someone like you, I could never do it. No way my brain could make up someone like you, I'm not that inventive. And here we go again with the cheesy stuff, but Even, I'm in love with you and my only wish is to say all this stuff that I'm feeling inside. It's like I need it, like I really need to tell you these things.
> 
> I'm not kidding when I say I'm in love with you, I am. And I don't even need to know you in person to be in love with you. I understood what you said about the essential part of a relationship not being about the appearance, I agree with that. Because I'm in love with you and I don't even know how you look like. And this feeling is genuine, baby. It's so fucking true.
> 
> I don't know how you look like, Sonja didn't show me any pictures of you. And baby, thank you so much for letting me know how you feel about her. Maybe it was hard for you to say that? I don't know. Anyway, I'm so proud of you for doing it. Because I want to know everything you think. I want to give you the same kindness you always give me, the same support you're always showing to me. Or I want to try at least.
> 
> I understand why you'd feel like that. If you told me two months ago about people texting their boyfriend's ex? Well, I'd say "no way". Baby, you just need to understand something about that, when you stopped answering to me, if it wasn't by her, telling me to hold on, telling me that you'd be okay. Even, I don't think I'd have been able to be there for you the way I did. I'd have lost it, and made things way worse. It's not your fault, but baby, I was so lost without you, and it's so ridiculous because I lived seventeen years without you, but it was so difficult to be one week without you. If it wasn't by Sonja helping me through that, I don't know how I'd have gone through it. And this is why I'm immensely happy she was there because it made me better for you.
> 
> I'm sorry if I didn't realize this was making you umcomfortable. This makes total sense, though. I'm sorry if I discovered things about you from her. It's not fair to you and I get it now. But no, she didn't send me a picture of you, and it's not like we're texting all the time. You'll be the one dictating what you want to share about yourself, okay? No one will take this from you, I promise you, okay? I'm not letting her tell me anything else about you. I want you to be the one telling me things, just you.
> 
> Thanks for asking about my mother, she is doing great. She found a good therapist and things are much better than when I left my house. She's still living there. I guess we are still trying to rebuild our relationship? There was too much shit in the past, it's not easy, but she's trying and she's there, I'm happy we get to try it.
> 
> And I still talk with my father, even if isn't the same thing than before. I guess the wounds are still not healed completely. He's the one supporting me and he's trying. I guess I should try too. As you can see, life isn't always easy for me, but at least everyone is trying and this is something already. Thank you for caring about all this shit, but it's getting better, honestly. I'm in a much better place right now.
> 
> Even, I loved your letter, I always do, but some things, baby, they were difficult to read, so fucking difficult. Like, I don't know how to feel when you say I'm your life. I guess I don't like it, I don't like thinking your life depends on mine. It makes me sad, actually. Don't talk like I'm the only thing mattering in your life, I don't want that, Even. And don't talk about dying, please, this makes me so fucking sad.
> 
> But also, don't ever stop saying things to me, Even. No matter how sad they make me feel. I want to know you and take care of you, too. Please don't take this from me, okay? I don't want to be numb in happiness and completely ignorant about your feelings. This isn't real happiness. Once I read happiness is only happiness when shared. I want us to share things, I don't want to be alone, even if this means being sad with you. Please, trust me with your feelings, Even. I'm trusting you with mine. Let me be there, baby.
> 
> You won't lose me, Even. You. Won't. Lose. Me. We found each other, let's focus on that? You know, my roommate was rambling yesterday about youth love, how carefree it is. Why aren't we like that? Why are we so dark sometimes? I just want you to be happy, Even.
> 
> Baby, there is something I need to tell you. It's important. Please read it carefully:
> 
> You promised me to try and not to hurt yourself. And I'm not bringing it to make you feel guilty, exactly the opposite actually, you're trying too much. You're hurting my baby, Even. Don't hurt him. Please, please, please.
> 
> Your letter, there are things there, Even. It's difficult just to read it and not to talk about it. I respect you need time, that you need to be comfortable and share things at your own pace. This is just fair, you're always showing me the same courtesy.
> 
> But baby, it's killing me to see you suffering. You're hurting, I can see it. And you're keeping this all for yourself, and as much as I love the idea of giving you time and space, I can't stand you wouldn't let me in. You're scared, and I understand fear, Even. But you don't need to be scared of me. I can't imagine any scenario that would make me leave.
> 
> I'm so in love with you, Even. I'm writing you this from the bottom of my heart, it's not a whim, or loneliness, or needy, it's much more than that. I feel things for you I never felt for anyone else, not even close. I'd never have imagined I'd like that much the way someone is. I like you so much, you really have Isak's Valtersen manual.
> 
> So open it on page 21 and read the second paragraph, it says: "Don't hurt Isak's Valtersen baby".
> 
> I'll understand if you want time or space, I won't ever ever ever ever ever push you. But I won't ever lie to you either, so I had to tell you how I feel. And how I feel is very simple: I'm in love with you, and I need you to trust me with your feelings.
> 
> I'm not as mature as you are, not even close. But I learned so much this last month, I can say I'm a better version of myself. And mainly because of you. I know I should give me credit too. And I do. But Even, you triggered everything. You're the main reason why I want to try so badly. You're all the reasons why. I'm trying to be better, to be the one you deserve. But I need you to trust I can be this guy too. Can you at least promise me to think about what I said? I'm going to be here no matter what, okay?
> 
> You talked about that surprise thing. Even, I'm a curious person in general and I do love surprises. But, baby, right now I can't even be thrilled about that. The only thing in my mind is how scared you sounded in some parts of your letter.
> 
> I guess what I'm trying to say is: I don't want to be happy alone, baby boy.
> 
> Your delicious,  
>  Isak
> 
> Ps: Boy, you're really making it difficult not to say those three words, Even!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> Ps2: Gosh, Even!
> 
> Ps3: Every time you say you love me, my heart stops for a while. Every damn time

. 

.   

> _To my gorgeous baby,_
> 
> _Let me tell you this first. You look so fucking hot today. Just like every other day. But today, you're on extra fire baby. My heart is about to burst!_
> 
> _I think it's because I haven't seen you in person for 2 fucking weeks. Maybe that's why the feeling got too intense. :')_
> 
> _Did. You. Just. Fucking. Call. Me. Baby. Boy._
> 
> _I'm. Going. To. Fucking. Die. Let. Me. Just. Quickly. Go. Jump. From. The. Third. Floor. Window._
> 
> _(I don't mean it literally, baby. Please don't worry)_
> 
> _You're just so caring and adorable._
> 
> _Baby boy. Oh gosh. Baby boy. Can I call you baby boy too? We can be each other's baby boy's. I love it so much. My name is going to be baby boy from now. Hi, I am Isak's husband, baby boy. :D_
> 
> _Sonja is a great person, a great friend. And yes, it hurt me to talk about her that way because I know that she only does that because she cares and she's scared, but it gets hard to be treated as a child all the time._
> 
> _But Sonja is good. I'm glad she helped you. I'm sorry for trying to get you to stop talking to her._
> 
> _You don't have to say those three words if you're not sure about it yet or if you're simply not ready. I know how big of a deal it is for you so, please._
> 
> _Baby, I am fine. I don't get how you would think I'm not?_
> 
> _You make me really happy. I'm happy. I'm not hurting, neither am I hurting myself._
> 
> _Your baby is not hurting or suffering. You're probably exaggerating, baby._
> 
> _I might be a bit scared of losing you but it's something common. Everyone in the world is scared of losing their lovers._
> 
> _But I love how you care so much._
> 
> _Baby! I am going to tell you. You deserve to know! But I want today to be joyful for you! I want you to scream with happiness today. Because that surprise is for today!_
> 
> _You know, of course I am counting the number of days we've been talking. Did you forget? I'm Even extra Bech Baby Boy Valtersen-Naesheim._
> 
> _I'm giggling. I wonder if that name made you smile at least. Or if my jokes are just too lame._
> 
> _Anyway baby boy, you're shorter than me. Which means the spin will be weird if you pick me up in your arms because I'm all legs, haha. It will be difficult for you to spin me anyway._
> 
> _I can believe you are strong. Maybe I can have a picture of your abs? ;)_
> 
> _If you agree, send it through email, baby boy._
> 
> _I love calling you baby boy as much as I love you calling me that._
> 
> _You know I would never push you, right? I will never kiss you until you're ready. It's just my imagination when I say I will kiss you right as we meet. We can wait 2 minutes, then we can kiss. Hahaha, I hope 2 minutes is enough time, baby._
> 
> _I'm kidding, I'm kidding._
> 
> _You know I will do whatever you want. Don't worry, I won't kiss you on the first date unless you want it of course._
> 
> _You will be perfect baby. Just be yourself. I've seen you around people, you're amazing, stunning. It's okay if you're shy, you'll warm up to me. If you're weird, then I'll be weirder so it's comfortable between us. If you are a mess, I'll be a bigger mess. It will turn out just right. It won't be awkward, baby boy. It will be perfect <3 _
> 
> _Thank you for saying all of that stuff about me. It cheers me up to know that I do make you feel loved and happy. I'm delighted to know that I'm way beyond the man of your dreams because guess what? You are mine too ♡_
> 
> _You are way beyond the man of my dreams. You are more than that. You're adorable and funny and grumpy and caring and attentive and loving and so much more._
> 
> _It's good to know that you and your mom are trying. I'm so glad that your mom is doing good and your father is supporting you and trying with you. I'm happy that you are doing good in life right now._
> 
> _I'm in love with you too, baby boy. And I believe you when you say you're in love with me. I believe it. Because I saw it in your eyes today._
> 
> _And I trust you and your feelings. I trust mine too._
> 
> _Are you ready for the surprise?_
> 
> _Your baby boy_
> 
> _Ps: i love you baby boy. I just want you to take your time to make the final decision. I don't want an immediate answer. Think carefully before you answer._
> 
> _Ps2: Turn around if you're standing infront of your locker :) But before you do, remember the previous words. Be very careful with your decision._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> nessauepa here: Omg, I wasn't expecting Even would love this "baby boy" shit so much, it melted my heart. Baby, Isak will call you this forever ;)


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You are amazing.  
> No more words to describe the things you make us feel.  
> <3

 

> My answer is: I DO. hahahahahahahahahahahaha
> 
> Did you like that I answered like that? I'm so happy. It means yes, by the way, I accepted it, okay?! Am I your boyfriend now? Am I?
> 
> Call me boyfriend! Gosh, can I call you boyfriend too? When I tell Jonas about you, can I say "my boyfriend"? I want to say that! 
> 
> I'M SO FUCKING HAPPY!
> 
> Gosh, I think I'm going to start a conversation with any random person at the tram station just to say something about "my boyfriend". Like, "my boyfriend is the fucking best drawer of the world". What do you think? I'm just going to throw it at any random person, out of nowhere, lol.
> 
> Fuck, I was kidding, but now...I'm kind of thinking about really doing that...I mean, saying "my boyfriend" to someone. Fuck, you think it is too stupid? Hahahahaha. Fuck it, I'm going to do that for real!
> 
> Thank you for existing, Even! Fuck I'm so in love with you, baby boy. It's really ridiculous.
> 
> But baby, are you going to read it today? All classes have already finished. No worries, I'm taking a picture of this letter and sending it by email to you, just in case...
> 
> Your baby boy and boyfriend!
> 
> Ps: I'm your boyfriend, boyfriend!

.

. 

> To: ebn1997@gmail.com
> 
> From: Isakyaki@gmail.com
> 
> Subject: To my boyfriend 
> 
> * * *
> 
> Baby Boy Boyfriend (bbb, LOL), 
> 
> Baby boy, I didn't know if you were going to read the letter today, so I'm sending the picture of it attached to this email. But it is there, in your jacket's pocket, okay? I know how much you care about this physical bullshit and stuff, to frame it and blablabla. Hahahaah. You were probably kidding about those framed letters, right?
> 
> Even, you're probably going to think I'm an idiot, but I need to tell you anyway... on my way home...I caught the tram, right, soooo, there was this old lady there. It was only me and her waiting for the tram. I was trying to decide wether I was going forward with that idea of telling someone about my boyfriend or dropping it, when she talked to me first. She asked me if everything was okay with me, because I looked agitated.
> 
> You know what I answered?? I said something like: "It's because my boyfriend asked me to be his boyfriend". LOL, I was nervous in my defense...then I tried to fix it, saying that the boy I liked asked me to be his boyfriend and blablabla, but fuck, when I'm excited I have zero focus, I keep changing the subject! The point is, I told someone else about my boyfriend! In this case, you! And you know what the lady said? She asked me "if you like him, this is a good thing, right?". I answered "Yes, because my boyfriend is amazing". I swear, I said that, to a complete strange. 
> 
> I realize this sounds stupid, and it's not like this is going to be in a movie about my life. But it was a big deal for me. 
> 
> Baby, are you happy?? Because I'm so happy, so so happy, I think maybe this is the happiest day of my life, no kidding! Maybe I just have a pathetic life, lol.
> 
> I was thinking in the tram...I have an idea, something I want to do, maybe you'd like too? You know how we say we're husbands? I thought maybe we could like say our boyfriend vows? You think it's too stupid? I want to say so many things to you...so I decided for a couple of them. Here it goes:
> 
>  
> 
> Even,
> 
> I promise you I'll try to be the best boyfriend I can
> 
> I promise to never ever ever control you, because I know this is important to you, I'll try so so hard, but if I do, can you tell me so I can fix it?
> 
> I also promise I'll take care of you, because you're my baby boy
> 
> I promise you I'll talk to you every day, when you are okay or when you're not.
> 
> I promise call you baby boy forever
> 
> I promise you to be good for you and treat you well
> 
> I promise I'll give you love, respect, lame jokes, and kisses one day
> 
> I'll be the best boyfriend ever! I'm going to be the master of being boyfriend!
> 
>  
> 
> But baby, if I'm not being a good boyfriend. Can you say it? I can try to fix things if you tell me. I don't want to lose you because I don't know how to be a boyfriend. I'm kind of scared about it.
> 
>  
> 
> Your baby boy,
> 
> Ps: you know how much shit I gave to Jonas about sending personal pictures to some girls? And now you ask me abs pictures? And fuck but I just want to send you. I guess this is something called karma, lol. Fuck, what you do to me, Even. Well, let's suppose I sent you my abs, it's not like it's a nude, right, it wouldn't be that big of deal. But I have a proposal, I can send you a pic of my abs IF you give me something. C'mon, you gotta give me something, a pic? Anything? Some part of you at least? You said you want me to see you only in person, but I'm your boyfriend (right? :D), can't I see something? Maybe some part of your face? Eyes, nose, mouth, anything. I accept abs, too, lol. Please, please, please, please, please. I'm so fucking curious. Do we have a deal? Abs on the table...and let me tell you, I wasn't kidding when I said I workout everyday. Actually I'm starting to have some lines on my stomach, I swear! I'm proud of myself. Maybe you should be too, you're my boyfriend. Fuck, now I want to show you :p
> 
> Ps2: I'm curious now, what is your fav part of me? Fuck, forget it, what is your fav part of yourself?
> 
> Ps3: you think we should start discussing how we are going to meet?? What if we wait until we complete 1 month as boyfriends? I don't know, I just think shit things, right, I'm sorry, I guess it's me trying to postpone it. Even if I want it. I want it so badly, Even! But I'm so anxious
> 
> Ps4: When we meet maybe I could lift you up by your waist, then spin you? Then legs problem solved. Or I can just lift you on my shoulders as I do with my friends. And this wouldnt be weird at all for a first meeting, lol. I hope you're not heavier than Magnus. But its okay if you are! I dont care! I dont need abs lines or whatever. Im sure Im going to like you exactly the way you are
> 
> Ps5: my heart is beating like crazy for the last two hours, I think I'm dying (and going to heaven)
> 
> Ps6: shit, what if we never complete 1 month as bf? Can you say we will? Can you use your manual and say things to calm me down?
> 
> \--
> 
> **letter.png**

.

. 

> _To: Isakyaki@gmail.com_
> 
> _From: ebn1997@gmail.com_
> 
> _Subject: You gave me a fucking heart attack! I thought you had just sent me a picture of your abs!_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _I'm soooo mad at you right now. :c_

> _How can you fool me like that? I told you to email me to sent me a picture. And when I saw there was an attachement, I thought AH!_
> 
> _You think I'd go home before I got your answer? Pfft. As if. I was sitting in the locker room the whole time._
> 
> _And when I heard footsteps, I hid in the washroom because there was a high chance it'd be you. And it was._
> 
> _But now I'm mad at you._
> 
> _I hope this signatute shows you how mad I am. vvv_

> _Sent from my iPhone_

.

.

 

> To: ebn1997@gmail.com
> 
> From: Isakyaki@gmail.com
> 
> Subject: Abs 
> 
> * * *
> 
> Wowwww...hohoho. You wouldn't! No signature at all? Not even a best wishes? How dare you to do that to your boyfriend?! I'm used to a certain kind of standard here!
> 
> You didn't even answer me whether I'm your boyfriend or not!
> 
> I'm going to send my abs...eventually.
> 
> But before that, do we have a deal? I think you should send me something first. C'mon, it's just fare, I sent you 2 pics.
> 
> Please, baby boy, I'm so curious.
> 
> I even sent you boyfriend vows and you completely dismissed it! You only care about my abs? 
> 
> And now I'm mad at you for being mad at me! 
> 
> Haha! vvv
> 
> -
> 
> **blank.png**

.

. 

> _To: Isakyaki@gmail.com_
> 
> _From: ebn1997@gmail.com_
> 
> _Subject: Fuck you_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _I have to reconsider this boyfriend thing. Didn't know you'd be this cruel :c_  

> _Jeez, I can't believe you did it again._

> _If you hadn't fooled me like that, on purpose, the second time, I would have sent you because I was ready to send you a picture._

> _But now... hmmmm_

> _I'm extra mad at you for fooling me like that again. Didn't know you'd be a cruel person. I don't know how I will survive in a relationship with a cruel person. I'm reconsidering this thing._

> _Don't call me baby boy *rolls eyes and turns head away*_

> _SENT FROM MY IPHONE_

_._

_._  

> To: ebn1997@gmail.com
> 
> From: Isakyaki@gmail.com
> 
> Subject: Call me boyfriend
> 
> * * *
> 
> Call me boyfriend, BABY BOY :c :c :c

.

.

> _To: Isakyaki@gmail.com_
> 
> _From: ebn1997@gmail.com_
> 
> _Subject: Nei_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _Nei I'm mad at you_

> _Sent from my iPhone_

_._

_._  

> To: ebn1997@gmail.com
> 
> From: Isakyaki@gmail.com
> 
> Subject: okay, then
> 
> * * *
> 
> No one has ever called me boyfriend.
> 
> Or delicious for this matter. No one. Ever. Zero. Nietch. Niente. Noch. Now I'm just saying random words that may not even exist.

.

.

> _To: Isakyaki@gmail.com_
> 
> _From: ebn1997@gmail.com_
> 
> _Subject: You're evil_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _Fuck baby, this is emotional blackmailing. You aren't just cruel but evil too._

> _Of course you're my boyfriend. Gosh, baby. I asked you to be my boyfriend and you said yes. Which means you are my boyfriend now. You and me forever. It even says in the poster._

> _But you need to do some serious making up with me because I'm still mad at you._

> _Sent from my iPhone_

.

.

> To: ebn1997@gmail.com
> 
> From: Isakyaki@gmail.com
> 
> Subject: I'm so in love with you, baby boy
> 
> * * *
> 
> Baby boy, I was in a pre game with my friends, I had a couple of beers. Now I want to tell you so many things. 
> 
> I'm sorry if it was emotional blackmail, now I'm sad. It wasn't my intention. And fuck, but this just seems like more emotional blackmail. I'm sorry.
> 
> I'm so in love with you I think I could die just with this feeling inside me.
> 
> Fuck, I want to say those three words. So fucking much. But I won't. I can't  say that while I'm drunk. Well, I'm not drunk, I just had two beers. You know why I had just two beers? Because I...fuck, almost. Because I don't want to poison myself anymore. Now I have beer just for fun. Not because I want to forget, because I want to remember. Everything.
> 
> Don't let me say I love you today, okay? Because I want to, baby boy. So so so so so badly.
> 
> Meanwhile let me say that, I have never been more in love with you than I'm today. I don't care about your picture. I will send you everything. 
> 
> I took some abs pics and I want to send you, okay?
> 
> Fuck I want to say. Don't let me, okay.
> 
> Fuck, Even. It's so difficult not to say. I'm hurting now.

.

.

> _To: Isakyaki@gmail.com_
> 
> _From: ebn1997@gmail.com_
> 
> _Subject: I'm in love with you too, baby boy_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _Fuck baby, you're breaking my heart. I didn't mean to emotionally blackmail you into sending me a picture._
> 
> _All of it was just harmless banter._
> 
> _It makes me so upset that 10 minutes ago, you were begging for a picture and now you're saying you don't care about it anymore just because I said you need to make up to me._
> 
> _I'm so sorry baby._
> 
> _Don't send anything if you're not ready or if you don't want to send, if you feel like you're being forced or emotionally blackmailed._
> 
> _What upsets me more is that you used to poison yourself. Baby, the feeling is all too familiar. I really hope you're doing better now. I promise I'm doing better._
> 
> _My baby, my boyfriend, my life, here's a picture for you._
> 
> _Love and kisses from your boyfriend and husband_
> 
> _Even Bech Valtersen-Naesheim_
> 
> **\--**
> 
> **me.png**

.

. 

> To: ebn1997@gmail.com
> 
> From: Isakyaki@gmail.com
> 
> Subject: (no subject)
> 
> * * *
> 
> You could have just said no, Even.

.

. 

> _To: Isakyaki@gmail.com_
> 
> _From: ebn1997@gmail.com_
> 
> _Subject: what?_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _What baby boy? I don't get you. Say no to what?_

> _Even_

.

.

> To: ebn1997@gmail.com
> 
> From: Isakyaki@gmail.com
> 
> Subject: (no subject)
> 
> * * *
> 
> I know it can look like that, but I'm not that stupid. Don't play with me. When all I'm doing is being honest with you.
> 
> I would give you my life at this point if you asked. This is how invested I am. 
> 
> Don't send me pictures if you don't want to. It's okay. No need to do that, Even. I don't care about your fucking appearance!!!!!! OKAY.
> 
> FUCK, I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M GIVING YOU MY FUCKING HEART AND YOU ARE SENDING RANDOM PICTURES OF GUYS FROM THE INTERNET!!!
> 
> I WAS ABOUT TO SEND YOU MY REAL ABS, OKAY???
> 
> I'M PISSED FOR REAL NOW.
> 
> I'M MAD AT YOU FOR REAL! KAY????????
> 
> REAL MAD.

.

. 

> _To: Isakyaki@gmail.com_
> 
> _From: ebn1997@gmail.com_
> 
> _Subject: Baby boy :****_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _Oh gosh. I'd be kissing you right now if we were in person._

> _You are so fucking cute when you're pretending to be all mad, using capslock and joking about me using random pictures._

> _I thought we were done bantering._

> _You're so adorable and so funny. Gosh, baby boy. I love you so much.♡_

> _I would give you my life too, baby. I love you. :* (a kiss just for you)_

> _Your baby boy boyfriend_

> _Even Valtersen♡_

.

. 

> _To: Isakyaki@gmail.com_
> 
> _From: ebn1997@gmail.com_
> 
> _Subject: (no subject)_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _My love? Have you fallen asleep? But it's so early, baby._

> _Talk to me if you're awake and not busy <3 _

> _Even_

_._

_._  

> To: ebn1997@gmail.com
> 
> From: Isakyaki@gmail.com
> 
> Subject: (no subject)
> 
> * * *
> 
> What?

.

.  

> _To: Isakyaki@gmail.com_
> 
> _From: ebn1997@gmail.com_
> 
> _Subject: Fuck_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _Oh baby. No replies and one word answers.. This is not good._

> _Bby boy, were you serious when you said you were mad? Oh god, baby how can you think I would lie to you like that._

> _Don't you think I would have just told you I don't want to send a picture? Like I told you before, that I want to see your real reaction when you see me for the first time._

> _I wouldn't lie to you like this ever, baby. I thought you knew I was always honest with you in this matters. I thought we had established that._

> _What's this baby? Come back to me. Don't be mad. I love you. I can't take this, you being mad at me and not replying. My blood is literally boiling and my veins are threatening to explode. You're my only cure. :c_

> _Even_

.

. 

> To: ebn1997@gmail.com
> 
> From: Isakyaki@gmail.com
> 
> Subject: (no subject)
> 
> * * *
> 
> But this pic is not you

.

. 

> _To: Isakyaki@gmail.com_
> 
> _From: ebn1997@gmail.com_
> 
> _Subject: Wtf?_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _Who told you it's not me? Baby don't believe them._

> _This is really me, love. It's me._

> _Even_

.

. 

> To: ebn1997@gmail.com
> 
> From: Isakyaki@gmail.com
> 
> Subject: (no subject)
> 
> * * *
> 
> You swear?
> 
> If you swear it's you I'll believe it.

_._

_._   

> _To: Isakyaki@gmail.com_
> 
> _From: ebn1997@gmail.com_
> 
> _Subject: I swear bby boy_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _I swear baby, that's me. I don't get why you won't believe me..._
> 
> _Why do you think that's not me?_
> 
> _Is it because I used a professional camera just for you?_
> 
> _You remember that I want to be a director right? And I'm studying Film and Media Studies. So I need the camera, bby. That's why I have it._
> 
> _And you asked for something. I wanted to use the camera for taking the picture._
> 
> _Didn't think you'd get mad and assume that it was from the internet._
> 
> _Sorry bby. I love you, talk to me♡_
> 
> _Your pouty sad boyfriend_

.

.

> To: ebn1997@gmail.com
> 
> From: Isakyaki@gmail.com
> 
> Subject: (no subject)
> 
> * * *
> 
> It's not just that, but this boy is too pretty.
> 
> Is it really you?
> 
> Are you kidding?

.

.

> _To: Isakyaki@gmail.com_
> 
> _From: ebn1997@gmail.com_
> 
> _Subject: wow_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _That was so fucking hurtful. So hurtful, bby boy._
> 
> _Do you think I wouldn't look as pretty as you?_

.

. 

> From: Isakyaki@gmail.com
> 
> To: ebn1997@gmail.com
> 
> Subject: (no subject)
> 
> * * *
> 
> I always imagine you like pretty, just not a fucking model!!
> 
> I'm not even close to that. I'm an average guy. Did you use Photoshop maybe? It's okay if you did.

_._

_._

> _To: Isakyaki@gmail.com_
> 
> _From: ebn1997@gmail.com_
> 
> _Subject: Model?_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _You think I look like a model? Aaah, baby. You're exaggerating, bby boy._
> 
> A _verage guy? Pffttt. Don't you dare call yourself an average guy when you're the real model here._

> _So fucking beautiful with gorgeous green eyes and perfect lips and perfect everything._

> _No, bby I didn't use photoshop. I didn't use anything. Just clicked and send._

> _Your baby_

> _Even_

.

.

> From: Isakyaki@gmail.com
> 
> To: ebn1997@gmail.com
> 
> Subject: (no subject)
> 
> * * *
> 
> Fuck, Even, you're so hot! So so so hot. Like stupidly hot.
> 
> I think you're the hottest guy I have ever seen. I can't stop looking at you.
> 
> I want to tell you something, so badly, but I'm kind of ashamed now...

_._

_._

> _To: Isakyaki@gmail.com_
> 
> _From: ebn1997@gmail.com_
> 
> _Subject: Tell me, baby_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _What is it, bby? You can tell me anything. You don't have to be ashamed of anything c:_
> 
> _♡_

> _Even BV-N_

_._

_._  

> From: Isakyaki@gmail.com
> 
> To: ebn1997@gmail.com
> 
> Subject: (no subject)
> 
> * * *
> 
> I just want to say you are delicious. Is it okay?
> 
> Like very delicious.

_._

_._  

> _To: Isakyaki@gmail.com_
> 
> _From: ebn1997@gmail.com_
> 
> _Subject: I'm dead x.x_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _I'm dead, baby. You killed me. Aaaah_

> _Aw babyyyy, you melt my heart. I'm gonna combust._

> _I love you so much bby boy_

> _You will always be delicious to me. Can't wait to have you ♡_

> _Love, Baby boy_

_._

_._

> From: Isakyaki@gmail.com
> 
> To: ebn1997@gmail.com
> 
> Subject: Abs 
> 
> * * *
> 
> I'm yours, baby boy.
> 
> So are my abs. And my heart if you think about it.
> 
> I'm all yours, actually.
> 
> \--
> 
> **yours.png**

_._

_._

> _To: Isakyaki@gmail.com_
> 
> _From: ebn1997@gmail.com_
> 
> _Subject: I lied_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _I lied. You didn't kill me by calling me delicious. You killed me by sending me that abs photo._
> 
> _♡__♡_

> _You're delicious just as I imagined, baby boy. I was right all along. You're the most delicious person in the world. And the only one too._

> _I'm not kidding. You gave me a boner. And not just a heart boner._

> _Jeez, baby. Look at you. You are a model. Are you sure you aren't working as a model part time? Because I'm sure you are._

> _Eee bby boy, there's so many thoughts in my head right now but I don't know if I can say those thoughts to you because maybe it might make you uncomfortable and you know, baby, that I would never want that._

> _I love you, my sexy bby boy._

> _Best wishes_

> _Even_

_._

_._

> From: Isakyaki@gmail.com
> 
> To: ebn1997@gmail.com
> 
> Subject: (no subject)
> 
> * * *
> 
> You really liked it that much? Are you just saying these things just because I called you a model?
> 
> I'm not gonna lie, I struggled a lot to send you this...
> 
> But it's kind of exciting too, to send you this. But also scaring. But mainly exciting. 
> 
> You can say all the things that are in your mind. Every single thing, I can tell you when it's too much, okay?
> 
> But it never was. I mean, you never crossed any line. Just the line of my heart. Hahahaha, I was kidding about this last line. I mean, it's kind of true, but I'd never say it like that, in this cheesy way. 
> 
> You really had a boner? Where are you?

_._

_._  

> _To: Isakyaki@gmail.com_
> 
> _From: ebn1997@gmail.com_
> 
> _Subject: (no subject)_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _I loved it so much. You're perfect in all ways._
> 
> _No, Is. You really look good. You could be a model if you wanted to. It would be so easy for you._
> 
> _I told you that you didn't have to send it if you felt uncomfortable. Why do you do this to yourself?_
> 
> _*sigh*_
> 
> _Well.. if you really want to know.._
> 
> _I want to kiss every inch of your body. I want to taste you, every part of you. I want you so bad._
> 
> _I did have a boner, yes. And I'm at home. It's a Monday night, where else would I be?_
> 
> _And the boner situation has been taken care of. Thank Jesus, I was at home when you decided to send that picture because damn, you're hot._
> 
> _By the way, I was wondering... Why were you drinking on a monday?_
> 
> _Love, Even_

.

.

> From: Isakyaki@gmail.com
> 
> To: ebn1997@gmail.com
> 
> Subject: You're fucking delicious!
> 
> * * *
> 
> I wasn't uncomfortable, Even. It was exciting, in a good way, like I sent you that pic and I was nearly shaking. But I trust you, it's okay. I wanted to send you this so badly.
> 
> I'd send you more pics if I were at home. Would you like it? I will send you one million more!!
> 
> I'm at Jonas today, we're trying to cheer Magnus up because he completely screwed things up this weekend, with this girl he likes. 
> 
> I can only think of you, though. I'm staring at your pic again and again and fuck, Even. I can't stop thinking about you.
> 
> I knew you were real, objectively speaking. But when you sent me this photo and I realized you were real real, like a real boy. A fucking delicious and hot boy. Fuck, now I can't think clearly.
> 
> Maybe it's the alcohol, but I feel like I'm about to explode. I didn't have too many beers, just enough to make me be that honest with you:
> 
> I want you. So badly. I know I like boys for a while now, but I have never wanted someone's body like I want yours now. It's hurting inside. I was literally going to the kitchen every now and then and burying my head in the fridge.
> 
> I don't know what to do or what to think. I don't know whether I should go home or sleep here. I don't know if I should stop thinking about you now and stop staring at this pic.
> 
> But the thing is, I don't want. I'm hurting inside, but I don't want to stop feeling it. I guess it hurts in a good way?
> 
> You also feel like you're going to explode? I know this is just a bad metaphor, but it's the best my dizzy brain can make up now. I'm feeling everything inside me.
> 
> I'm feeling hot...okay, I'm feeling horny. And I'm feeling like I need your body. Rigth now. I want to touch your stomach. Would you let me? And I'm feeling like I'm choking, but also about to laugh or cry at any minute. I'm feeling a mess and I don't know how much I can blame the beer. I don't know if any part of it is the beer, to be honest.
> 
> I think all of it is you. Everything I feel these days is because of you, Even.
> 
> I feel like I need to say I love you, but I won't. But I want. But I can't say it, and it's killing me. And I'm trying to say it in any twisted way without really saying it. Fuck, I'm making no sense, right.
> 
> Even, I want you. I can't say exactly why. I want everything. I want you all. So badly. You're fucking delicious and amazing and amazing and amazing and amazing.
> 
> I look at this pic and I swear, I'm going to fucking explode because it's too much. It made me sweet and tender and wanting to call you baby boy forever. But it also made me a fucking mess and having the most obscenes thoughts about you. I can only think about how delicious you are.
> 
> You're my baby boy and delicious and you're making me fucking confused and a mess.
> 
> Fuck, when you said you took care of your boner, I almost combusted. You're going to kill me!
> 
> I'm hurting. Make it stop.

.

. 

> _To: Isakyaki@gmail.com_
> 
> _From: ebn1997@gmail.com_
> 
> _Subject: (no subject)_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _Baby :c_
> 
> _Do you want me to come to you? Or even if not, give someone a hug. A 90 seconds hug. A proper tight hug. It might help._
> 
> _Please, Is.. you don't have to say I love you. Please. You're not enforced to say it. Just chill. Close your eyes, take a deep breath and release. Then repeat until you're calm again._
> 
> _You know, I spared you the details because I thought you'd be uncomfortable but here you are, saying things like you're horny and want my body. Basically speaking my mind._
> 
> _It upsets me to know that I make you a bad mess. I really don't mean to. I'm trying to make you happy, not feel like choking._
> 
> _Breathe baby, breathe. Go hug someone._
> 
> _Say the word and I'll show up wherever you are._
> 
> _You can send me a million pictures. That way, I would be the happiest person in the whole world. My phone will be filled with only my boyfriend's pictures and nudes. I'm on board with that. But only if you want to._
> 
> _You can touch my stomach, or my lips or chest or nipples or my di*k, it's all yours anyway._
> 
> _I feel like I'm gonna explode with all the happiness, yes. But I don't feel like choking or dying or hurting. I feel like smiling and shouting to the world that I'm in love._
> 
> _But I didn't mean to make you feel the complete opposite. I don't know what to do! I didn't think all this would be hurting you._
> 
> _I'm sorry. You are allowed to leave this. To leave me. I won't stop you. I just want you to not hurt. And if leaving me does it, then leave me. It's okay. I'll be fine. Maybe empty and broken and dead inside but at least I'll be alive._
> 
> _I don't want to suffocate you._
> 
> _I want you to be free._
> 
> _Even_

_._

_._

> From: Isakyaki@gmail.com
> 
> To: ebn1997@gmail.com
> 
> Subject: Shut up
> 
> * * *
> 
> You think I'm not well? Oh boy, you're wrong.
> 
> You didn't make me a "bad mess", you made me a good mess, the best of the messes. What I'm feeling right now, okay, makes me boil inside and hurt. But fuck, it hurt so good. Maybe it's just my lame choice of words, but I don't want to stop feeling it. It's too good.
> 
> You want me to be free? What I feel for you makes me free, Even! You made me free. I was never happier in my entire life as I am now. You made me happy, and fuck, you made me WANT to be happy, what is even bigger.
> 
> I want everything you offered. I want it all. I want you so badly. So so badly. Even, I feel like crying, but I'm not sad. Would you understand it? And here we go again, one more trip to the fridge.
> 
> I'm in love with you and now I'm in love with your body, too. I don't want a hug, I want soooo much more. And I don't want anyone else's hug, I want you! I don't know exactly what I want, I just know I want you!
> 
> Even, I want to know how it feels to have your mouth on mine. I want to kiss you. You can put your mouth everywhere on me. You can have everything, I'm yours too.
> 
> Would you really come if I asked you? Would you? 

.

.

> _To: Isakyaki@gmail.com_
> 
> _From: ebn1997@gmail.com_
> 
> _Subject: I'm in love with you too_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _Okay, baby boy. I believe you._
> 
> _I understand that feeling, of wanting to cry out of happiness and joy. I get it, Is._
> 
> _Babe you know I want to kiss you just as bad? I want to kiss each and every part of your body. I will worship your body. Treat it with good care and love. I won't disappoint._
> 
> _I want you too, bb. I want you too. Be mine please. Forever and ever and ever._
> 
> _I want to know how it's like to taste you. I want lick and suck your perfect lips. I want you and your lips and every other part of you. I want you too._
> 
> _Of course I would come. Have I ever denied you something? Do you think I can deny you anything?_
> 
> _Love, Even V_

_._

_._

> From: Isakyaki@gmail.com
> 
> To: ebn1997@gmail.com
> 
> Subject: Kissing you
> 
> * * *
> 
> I feel like I'm gonna die if I don't kiss you right now, Even. Have you ever wanted something so badly in your life? I have never wanted anything more than I want you this night.
> 
> I spent these last years craving for something as much as I'm  craving for you right now. Almost. I wished so fucking much that I hadn't been born gay. Have you ever begged to the universe, Even? I have, constantly..."please don't make me gay, please don't make me want my best friend...please don't and I will be the best person I know".
> 
> I'm not the best person I know. And I'm still gay. 
> 
> But now Even, if I could beg for something, I would beg to the universe to keep me the way I'm. To keep me gay. Because being gay is what made me fall in love with you, and I wouldn't exchange that for anything in the world. No matter how difficult things can turn, I would choose you.
> 
> And this is why I'm freaking out, my feelings are so strong. What if it turns that our kiss isn't good? What if I don't know how to kiss boys right? I never felt a thing kissing girls. What if isn't about boys or girls? What if I'm just bad at that. What if I kiss you and feel nothing?
> 
> I think I would feel everything just by touching your lips with mine. But what if isn't the same for you?
> 
> Fuck, I want to kiss you.
> 
> You think we should see each other today? Would you kiss me if I asked you? I don't need a big gesture for that.
> 
> I don't need fireworks, or music or our first kiss to be in a great first date. I just need it to be you.
> 
> I'm seventeen years old and I have never kissed, not trully, not mattering. Would you be my first? Even I may be bad?
> 
> How would you kiss me, Even? How do you think would be our first kiss, baby boy?
> 
> I like to think I would call you baby boy before our lips touched. But I'm pretty sure I would be too nervous for that.
> 
> I'm licking my lips now, I wish it was you.
> 
> You think we should meet? Today? Now? Just like that? And fuxk everything?

.

. 

> _To: Isakyaki@gmail.com_
> 
> _From: ebn1997@gmail.com_
> 
> _Subject: Yes baby, I'll be there_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _Tell me my beautiful baby boy, why are you always thinking of the worst? Is, trust me. If you love someone and you kiss them, it would be perfect even if it was the messiest or if it wasn't even a perfect kiss. You love a person, you'll feel it in the kiss too. If you are sure of your feelings, don't doubt about the kiss. Trust me, it will be amazing._
> 
> _It doesn't matter if you're experienced in kissing or not, you will learn it anyway. But a kiss is a kiss just like on a cheek or anywhere. Making out is different. But don't worry, I'll teach you. What is a boyfriend for?_
> 
> _But the most important thing is, we should not plan a kiss beforehand. When we're together and feel like it's the best time to kiss, when we both feel it, that's when we can kiss._
> 
> _Anyhow. I do crave you just like you crave me. Which is why if you ask me to come over right now, I would. And if you asked me to kiss you, I would kiss you. Your perfect lips deserve to be kissed with passion and lots of love._
> 
> _If you want to know our first kiss, it goes like this._
> 
> _We both are looking at each other with so much love. The urge to kiss is high. I will grab your hand and softly stroke it and bring it to my lips to kiss it._
> 
> _Then I will run my fingers through your perfect curls because I have always wanted to touch your curls. Anyways, it will be soothing for you. I will continue to massage your scalp gently as I will move closer to you. As in lean in._
> 
> _I will stare at your lips and then look you in the eyes for permission. You will nod. I will lean in closer until our noses touch._
> 
> _Then I will take your arms and wrap them around my neck while I wrap mine around your waist and pull you closer until we're touching everywhere. It's going to be overwhelming and we'll have goosebumps._
> 
> _And that's when I will finally close the distance between our starving lips, completing giving in. I will probably go to heaven as soon as your lips touch mine._
> 
> _As I continue to lick and suck your lips, I will cup your cheeks and stroke them gently._
> 
> _I hope you liked it._
> 
> _I used to beg the universe for something too, to end my misery.. but I am so happy that the universe answered me (not in the way I wanted though which was something dark)_
> 
> _Instead, the universe gifted me by giving me YOU. ♡_
> 
> _It's totally your call, Is. I'll come running to you if you asked me today or tomorrow or any day._
> 
> _But remember baby, I would never cross your limits. Never._
> 
> _Love, your baby boy_

_._

_._

> From: Isakyaki@gmail.com
> 
> To: ebn1997@gmail.com
> 
> Subject: You are so sweet
> 
> * * *
> 
> You're so sweet, baby boy. So so sweet. You always, I repeat ALWAYS say the right things, you say the perfect things. You always make me feel calm and happy, and comfortable and cared.
> 
> Are you that sweet in person too?
> 
> The kiss you described...I didn't even think something like that could exist out of movies. It would be the sweetest and most caring kiss ever. I think I would combust, anyway.
> 
> Were you being serious, though  just trying to calm me down? You think we could have a kiss like that? This would be amazing. I want everything you described. Everything. 
> 
> I didn't believe someone like you could exist.
> 
> Fuck, you're so cute, so sweet, baby boy. You make me feel so good, always good. You certainly raised the boyfriend standards in this relationship. I hope I can be as good as you're. I wish I had your manual too.
> 
> Fuck, Even! Just come! Please please please! Today! Now! I want to know how it feels to kiss someone that you like that much. I have so many feelings for you, baby boy.
> 
> Please kiss me today. Would you come if I sent you Jonas' address?? I can meet you outside?
> 
> Fuck, it's so late. You don't have to come. You're probably tired, on your bed. It's okay. 
> 
> But, if you are not, if you feel like, come Even! I sent you the address? Fuck it, Even!
> 
> Or I don't know, if you want to send me your address? I can make it work too?
> 
> Waiting anxiously for your answer, yours,
> 
> Isak, your baby boy 

.

.

> _To: Isakyaki@gmail.com_
> 
> _From: ebn1997@gmail.com_
> 
> _Subject: I'll be there_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _We will have the perfect kiss, don't you worry baby. We will have it exactly the way you want._
> 
> _Have you forgotten? Film lover here. Hopeless romantic. Don't you think I would actually kiss you like that?_

> _Baby, you're just as good as me. You use the perfect petnames that make me melt everytime. You're so adorable._

> _Give me the address baby!! Give me, now. I will come right away._

> _Even_

_._

_._

> From: Isakyaki@gmail.com
> 
> To: ebn1997@gmail.com
> 
> Subject: (no subject)
> 
> * * *
> 
> But, baby. Is it okay if we don't kiss? I mean, we are going to kiss, but maybe not today? What if you come here and I'm not ready to kiss yet? Won't you be mad? Or disappointed.
> 
> But I still want to meet you, so so much.
> 
> Can we agree with that?
> 
> I'm sorry if I'm testing your patience. :(
> 
> But I'm in love with you, baby boy. Don't forget that.

.

.

> _To: Isakyaki@gmail.com_
> 
> _From: ebn1997@gmail.com_
> 
> _Subject: Baby :c_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _Baby, you're breaking my heart. I have told you so many times that I want you to take your time. I won't be disappointed or mad if we don't kiss._  

> _Babe, we don't have to kiss on first meeting. I will be happy just to be able to sit next to you or stand close as I look at you. It will be enough to have you there with me. You don't even have to touch me. Just look at me and I'll combust with all the happiness bubbling inside of me._

> _We agree with whatever makes you comfortable. And btw, I'm the most patient person you'll ever meet ;)_

> _Anyway, to be honest, I kind of already knew we wouldn't kiss on our first meeting because come on, it's too soon. You haven't even seen me. You haven't told your friends about me, yet, either. So I'm not disappointed. We can just chill. Talk like friends. Whatever is comfortable for you._

> _I'm in love with you too, baby._

> _Even_

.

.

> From: Isakyaki@gmail.com
> 
> To: ebn1997@gmail.com
> 
> Subject: <3
> 
> * * *
> 
> I'll never look or talk to you as just friends. Even if I'm not ready for a lot of things. I hope you know that. I'm so happy you asked me to be your boyfriend, I hope you know that too.
> 
> I'll probably act like a fool and look at you like an idiot with heart eyes. Because boooy, the things you make me feel.
> 
> Fuck, Even, just come! We can see each other! Today! Let's end it! Baby boy, come.
> 
> I'm waiting for you outside.
> 
> Your boyfriend,
> 
> https://goo.gl/maps/SDiJ4PtPRTU2


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I know it's been a long while so we decided to just post it. Ignore any mistakes <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, in this chapter, one part of Isak's letter is based on a beautiful comment that [anyadarkseid](https://archiveofourown.org/users/anyadarkseid/pseuds/anyadarkseid) left some chapters ago.  
> Check end notes for details.

Even's heart is beating erratically in his chest as he makes his way to the location Isak had just sent him 15 minutes ago. He knows it will take at least 10 more minutes to walk all the way there but it gives him time to think. 

Will Isak like him as he is? Sure there were many people who found Even attractive, but at the same time, a few didn't. What if Isak was one of those who didn't find Even attractive?

Before leaving his house, Even made sure to wash his face and use products to comb his hair properly into a quiff. He wore his Nas t-shirt, a hoodie and his thick black jacket above it because it was extremely cold outside at the time. He had taken a selfie before leaving and had sent it to Sara to ask her if he looked fine, to which she had replied that he looked extra good. 

But still, he wondered if Isak would like him.

He walked on the middle of the road as he kicked pebbles and rocks on his way. The wind was pretty cool, making Even regret not wearing his beanie. 

But then, a beanie would ruin his hairstyle. 

His insecurities start creeping in. Isak doesn't know how it's like to deal with an actual bipolar person. He only knows the basics. He hasn't dealt with it. He doesn't knos how dangerous it could get for Even or for both of them. And he definitely doesn't know how difficult Even's depressive episodes get. Even would only end up hurting Isak during his episodes because it's very common to feel irritable. And he does. He gets easily irritated by people and tells them to leave him alone. 

He's never raised his voice but he's afraid that he might do just that, if his episodes get worse. He doesn't want to hurt anyone, especially Isak. Sweet, grumpy baby Isak. He doesn't deserve to be in any kind of pain. 

Even stops in his tracks and looks at his phone. 5 minutes until he reaches the location. 

But for some reason, he just stands there for a few moments, just to take deep breaths and remind himself that Isak had promised to never leave him and had said that whatever it was, they would deal with it together. 

Isak has a say in this relationship too. He gets to choose too. 

So to calm down his insecurities, Even opens up the emails from a few days ago when he was having a depressive episode. Isak had sent him an email everyday and he had been so happy when he finally had gotten a reply. 

Even couldn't break Isak's heart. 

He kept re-reading Isak's words, all of them, which started to calm him down. Isak's words started to soothe his heart and helped to fade his insecurities away. 

Isak. He would love Even no matter what. In any way. Even trusts him with his heart. Even tries to trust himself too, that he wouldn't hurt Isak. He keeps in mind to increase his therapy days in a month and take his meds on time, every single day. These would probably help to keep his episodes less severe. Isak makes him want to try harder.

He takes a deep breath, smiles and starts walking. But he's too happy to walk so he begins running because he needs to be with Isak. He needs to talk to him, hear his beautiful voice and see his breath taking face from upclose. And if he's lucky enough, he'll get to have Isak in his arms too. 

He runs and runs until he's finally at the location. 

He bends over and tries to steady his breathing because he's panting from all that running. Maybe he should run more, everyday. He should start taking more care of himself. Isak makes him want to be better, makes him want to be healthy. 

Once his breathing comes to normal, he straightens up and takes another deep breath before he starts walking in the direction of the house. 

The garden's door is open, surprisingly and when he gets inside, he notices a body sleeping peacefully at the bench. He's thankful for the lights in the garden because he can make out that the body on the bench belongs to Isak. 

Isak. He's wearing Even's green jacket and has his nose buried in it. But he's sitting in the most uncomfortable posture with his eyes closed. His neck and back would start hurting by tomorrow. 

Before he decides to walk towards Isak, he looks around for any sign of people. 

No one. Good. 

He walks up to Isak and sits down on the bench next to him.

"Isak?" He calls, to make sure if Isak is maybe still awake. 

No reply. 

Poor Isak. He slept waiting for Even in the damn cold. That too in the most uncomfortable position ever. If only Even hadn't taken so much time to come here, Isak would have been awake right now and they would have been talking, mumbling shy 'hi's'. 

Even moves closer, unzips his black jacket that he's wearing and pulls Isak closer until his head is safely placed on Even's shoulder in a more comfortable position under his black jacket. He then wraps his jacket, that he's still wearing, around Isak and puts his own arms around him to keep the jacket in place. 

"Hmmm." Isak hums and then buries himself further into Even. 

Even feels so giddy, having Isak so close to him. So close, basically attached together. The tingly feeling in his stomach won't stop and Even is kind of glad it doesn't, because he loves it. He loves the butterflies roaming in his tummy. 

Even smiles as Isak snuggles closer. And then he's steady, snoring softly. Even admits that it does things to his heart. 

He wants to burst with happiness. He's here, holding Isak into his arms for the first time. Finally. He'd been dreaming of doing this since the moment he laid eyes on him. Isak is so small and so soft, it makes Even want to combust. He looks down at Isak and gently runs his fingers through his beautiful golden locks. 

Isak looks so tranquil, so pleasant snuggled up to Even like that. Even takes a proper look at his boyfriend. His beautiful lips are parted as cute little soft snores leave that delicious looking mouth of his. He truly is the most beautiful man Even has ever seen. His long eyelashes are touching his cheekbones and his adorable nose is red from the cold. 

Having Isak in his arms for the first time has Even's heart racing. He buries his nose into Isak's hair, closes his eyes and breathes him in. Isak's hair smells like strawberry shampoo but his body odor is stronger and sweeter. Even can't point out exactly but he loves the way Isak smells. He wants to keep Isak close to him like this forever.

A sudden feeling inside Even makes him sigh. Isak is perfect. Small and adorable, fits perfectly with Even. And Even definitely, utterly and completely loves him. He can't ever lose the younger boy. Because if he did, he wouldn't be able to breathe. 

Isak is his heart, his life. And he can't lose ever him. What happens when you lose your heart or your life? Yes. You die,  _Even thinks._

He so desperately wants Isak to love him back. Sure, Isak is in love with him but he doesn't actually love Even yet. He hasn't said I love you yet. The kind of love that Even feels for Isak. The kind of love that's a big deal for Isak. That love which is Isak's "forever". The one that Isak says would never leave. 

Even would always yearn for Isak. He hopes Isak does at least half as much. 

"Please love me." Even blurts out, a tear escaping his eye. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. 

"Hm sheeuuusn." Isak mumbles something into his neck, which is not understandable at all. 

Even's whole body freezes. Did Isak hear him?

"What? Are you awake?" Even whispers, or more like chokes out. 

"Mwuahh." Isak says loudly and presses his lips to Even's neck, leaving it there. It feels tickly but also so nice. He feels dizzy with want and closeness and the butterflies in his tummy go wild. It almost makes him want to laugh. Isak makes him feel so good. 

It's like Isak heard Even's words and thoughts and was trying to reassure him. 

Even finds Isak's mumbling so adorable, but also wants to burst into fits of laughter because they are funny as well. Except, he can't because Isak would wake up then and Even wouldn't want that. Even forces himself to hold the laughter in, instead just grinning widely. Yep, he definitely loves him.

"Don't ever leave me, baby. Please." Even begs, whispering into thin air. "Everyone leaves me." Even's heart clenches just by thinking of all the friends he lost, of all the people who left him. His father, his Bakka squad, his best friend Mikael. 

He survived that but he wouldn't ever be able to survive losing Isak. 

He almost breaks down there but Isak starts his mumblings again, into Even's neck, which becomes more and more tickly.

"Eeeffie." Isak murmurs, his moving lips tickling Even's neck.

Even almost laughs but stops himself, huffing a little and letting a little breath out of his mouth. He tries not to move a lot, to let Isak sleep. 

Even while sleeping, Isak knows how to make him smile. Even really hopes that Isak is the exception, the one who doesn't end up leaving him because Isak has to be surely made for Even. 

Isak's hair are falling into his eyes so Even brushes them away and cups his cheek. He strokes his baby's cheekbones and hair before he leans in and presses a soft kiss to his forehead. He moves away and places his cheek on Isak's soft, blond hair while Isak nuzzles closer to him.

Even prays to the universe to let him have more nights like these. 

"Where's Isak?" Even hears an unfamiliar voice from a distance. He can make out that the voice is from inside the house.

"No idea. Did you check all the rooms?" Another voice replies.

"Yeah. He's nowhere." The first voice says.

"I think he went outside. We should bring him in. It's pretty late." A third voice suggests.

Even panics. He has to leave now. No one should see him with Isak until Isak is comfortable himself to tell them. He slowly moves Isak away, removes the scarf from around his neck and turns it into a ball before he places it on the bench. He then gently craddles Isak's head and puts it on the ball of his scarf and removes his black jacket to cover Isak's body with it as he seems pretty cold. 

He quickly runs to the back side of the house and walks outside through the backdoor. He's so grateful that there is a backdoor in the house. 

He wonders if Isak would be mad at him for not waking him up. He really hopes not. He takes out his phone and sends him an email.

.

. 

> _To: Isakyaki@gmail.com_
> 
> _From: ebn1997@gmail.com_
> 
> _Subject: You are magical_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _I'm sorry I had to leave. Your friends showed up._
> 
> _But on the brighter side, you now have my scarf and another jacket._
> 
> _Even_
> 
> _Ps: You're so fucking cute when you snore and mumble cute shit into my neck. ;)_
> 
> _Ps2: I will have a special letter for you in your locker tomorrow morning._

.

. 

> To: ebn1997@gmail.com 
> 
> From: isakyaki@gmail.com
> 
> Subject: Fuuuuuuuuuck
> 
> * * *
> 
> Fuck, Even, I'm so sorry, I don't know how this even happened!!! I asked you to come all the way here and then I fucking sleep!??
> 
> Omg. I don't know what to say. You should be mad at me. It's just fair.
> 
> You should have waken me up, though. Why didn't you do that?
> 
> And what do you mean by "into your neck"? 
> 
> Why the fuck I didn't wake up!!!!
> 
> And you know what is funny about it? My sleeping used to be completely fucked up, I used to stay hours just looking at the ceiling. But of course I slept for this.
> 
> In some ways me sleeping its the best proof of love: I just sleep now because you soothe my mind. Does it make sense?
> 
> Since I met you I just...sleep. Simply like that. And this is just one more of the things you gave me.
> 
> People who have never had sleeping problems would never understand how of a gift this is.
> 
> I'm sorry, baby, for missing our meeting. Would it make it better if I said I'm in love with you? I know I can't just use this card and everything been forgiven. But I do.
> 
> Did I really say something while sleeping? What did I say????
> 
> And thanks for the clothes, Even. It was really nice of you. But weren't you cold? Did you arrive home well? Can you reply when you see it?
> 
> Good night, boyfriend.
> 
> Ah, have I mentioned it? You and I? Boyfriends.
> 
> You and I? Together.
> 
> You and I? We are going to fucking meet each other and it will be amazing. 
> 
> Good night. Sleep tight, baby boy.
> 
> Ps: I promise to be awake next time
> 
> Ps2: I promise you I won't make you or us to hide for too long. I hope you know that. I'm not hiding you, we are just taking things slow, right? Mainly because of me, but I'm getting there
> 
> Ps3: I still want to see you, though
> 
> Ps4: I have never felt this way

_._

_._  

> _To: Isakyaki@gmail.com_
> 
> _From: ebn1997@gmail.com_
> 
> _Subject: Iz Okay_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _I am home, babyy. And I am well._
> 
> _It's a long story, babes._
> 
> _It goes like this:_
> 
> _I came over and saw you sleeping on the bench. It was pretty late anyway, so I decided not to wake you up._
> 
> _I'm not cruel to wake people up from their sleep. It's precious._
> 
> _Anyway, so.. you were cold. I put you on my shoulder under my jacket (I was still wearing it.)_
> 
> _And you just snuggled closer and pressed your lips to my neck and started mumbling random things. I really couldn't make out what you were saying but it was so funny and so cute, i wanted to kiss you so bad._
> 
> _You also screamed "mwuah" really loudly like you were kissing someone :)_
> 
> _Were you dreaming about me, bby? Were you kissing me in your dream? I'd be very offended if it wasn't me._
> 
> _But anyways, you snore like a little baby, it was so adorable. I can't._
> 
> _My insides are about to burst with how cute you are._
> 
> _Of course, I can't stay mad at you if you're always so cute like that._
> 
> _I mean.. I was cold. But you know me, I'd feel guilty for the rest of my life, if I left you in the cold just like that._
> 
> _I'm glad you're able to sleep. Because I myself sleep so well these days. You really make me want to get better and to try harder. You make me want to take good care of myself._
> 
> _We both helped each other. Do you think that maybe we are made for each other?_
> 
> _Anyway, I have to go to sleep now. I really can't mess up my sleeping schedule._
> 
> _Goodnight, bby boy._
> 
> _With love and kisses,_
> 
> _Even, the boyfriend and husband slash personal assistant_

.

.

**The next morning**

 

> _To the most beautiful boy in the world who has the most gorgeous eyes and snores like a little baby._
> 
> _Isak, the boyfriend vows is actually a good idea and I loved it. But, you know me, this is something very important so I had to write it to you in a letter, not email._
> 
> _Isak, baby_
> 
> _I promise I'll try my best to take better care of myself._
> 
> _I promise, I'll always cherish you and shower you with love every single day._
> 
> _I will try my best to be the best boyfriend ever._
> 
> _I will take care of you._
> 
> _I will be there for you whenever you need me._
> 
> _I will never hurt you intentionally. And if I ever do, know that I would never mean it. Hurting you would only hurt me back._
> 
> _I will show you off to the world once you're comfortable with me doing that._
> 
> _I would never do anything to make you uncomfortable. Not intentionally, anyway._
> 
> _And I will always love you. No matter what._
> 
> _You're my perfect boyfriend. I don't want you to doubt yourself. I love you just the way you are and I hope that you could love me the same one day._
> 
> _I don't remember if I have already answered this or not, but my favourite part of you is your eyes. The day I looked into them, I was soo gone. I wonder if you still have that letter where I told you how I felt when I saw your eyes for the first time. I also love your lips._
> 
> _My favourite part of myself would be.. uhm maybe my lips? I don't know. I feel like I have unique lips and lots of people seem to love my lips. I guess it would be my lips, yeah._
> 
> _And bby? We will not only complete one month but we will complete 80 or more years together because I will not let you go, no matter what. I will handcuff you to myself so that you can never leave me._
> 
> _Also, you said that you told a total stranger that you have a boyfriend. I am so fucking proud of you. I really want to scream to the world that "THAT'S MY BOYFRIEND" while pointing at you._
> 
> _Take your time to come out though. I really don't want you to feel forced. I am telling you again and again to take your time._
> 
> _I love you, baby. With all my heart._
> 
> _Love, Even_
> 
> _Ps: I wasn't kidding about the framed letter and email screenshot. It's there. It really there. You can see it when you join._
> 
> _Ps2: I have left a rose for you in my jacket in the locker room. Kindly go collect it._
> 
> _Ps3: I love you so much. You're adorable when you sleep talk. Mwuaah!_
> 
> _Ps4: Playstation 4! It's been a while, huh._
> 
> _Ps5: Can I maybe have one of my jackets back? This is embarrassing but I really don't want to waste money on more jackets... and the black one was the only one I had that was the warmest._
> 
> _But it's ok if you want to keep the black one and return the green. It's also okay if you want to keep both of them with yourself. But in that case, you'll have to give me one of yours. And it should be bigger because you're so short, honestly._

_._

_._

> To my boyfriend,
> 
> Even, no one has ever said the things you say to me. No one has ever treat me like you do. The way you describe me...
> 
> The way you make me feel...I was serious about every part of my vows. Well, at least I'm trying. I will be the best version of myself for you.
> 
> I like you so much. Sometimes I can't believe I didn't know you for my entire life. It's like my life before you is a blur. I can't really remember how it was before I had this feelings inside. I don't remember how it was not being in love with you. Isn't that funny?
> 
> I was thinking, how much can you love someone? Is there a limit? You think one day your feelings freeze at some level and that is it? If there is a limit maybe this isn't like it works for us. I think our love may be limitless and eternal.
> 
> Because, baby, I like you so much. You are perfectly designed for me. They managed to build you exactly the way you need to be for me to fall in love with you. They followed my deepest thoughts. Whatever "they" are. 
> 
> Even, I'm even more in love with you today. Even more in love than I was yesterday or ten days ago. And maybe our love will work like that. Maybe we will just fall deeper every pasing day. Isn't that a nice thought?
> 
> Thanks for the flower, you are so nice. I put it in the middle of my book, so I can keep looking at it. You are always so sweet. Are you like that in person? I don't know how I would act around you. 
> 
> I'm sure I'll be weird, but then you said you are going to be weirder...hahahaha. Fuck, you really say the right things. 
> 
> I want to be weird with you.
> 
> Baby, I'm so nervous, about our meeting. But I want it so badly. How you think we can meet?
> 
> Even, I decided something yesterday and I want to tell you...I decided I'm going to tell Jonas about me. Today. I'm thinking about having some kebab after school or something. 
> 
> Well, the bells are ringing...gotta go.
> 
> Bye, baby boy boyfriend
> 
> :)
> 
> Ps: I didn't have anything else to say really, just that I'm in love with you.
> 
> Ps2: Can you say it back? I like when you say it back.

.

.

> _To my beautiful husband,_
> 
> _I hope you haven't forgotten that we are married. ;)_
> 
> _I love you, bby. I'm in love with you. And I'm more in love with you today than I was yesterday._
> 
> _I totally agree with you. If there is a limit for love, then it doesn't apply to us. We will be in our 90's and my love for you would only be growing. Our love is really without a limit._
> 
> _I myself, personally feel that I've known you my whole life. It's exactly the same as you feel. I can't remember how I used to be before we started talking, before you fell in love with me and accepted to be my boyfriend. It's all a blur. I can't imagine what it'd be like to lose you. I can only hope that that would never happen. That you I wouldn't lose you._
> 
> _I'm scared of myself, Isak. I'm scared I will hurt you. I always hurt the people I love. I don't mean to but it just happens. And you'll hate me._
> 
> _I'm sorry I doubt myself sometimes but it's legit because I have hurt people before._
> 
> _But it calms me so much, everytime I read your words. Your confessions, your love. How you believe in me and how you love me._
> 
> _It soothes me how you believe I'm made for you. Maybe I am. Maybe we are soulmates. Who knows. Time will only tell._
> 
> _But I can feel it. I can feel that you're my soulmate. I have never felt this way about anyone else. What I feel for you._
> 
> _It will be okay, baby. Jonas will be fine with it, I'm sure. Jonas will accept you. He's your friend. Good friend right? I'm sure he will be happy to know that you trusted him enough to tell him._
> 
> _But if you couldn't say anything today, that's totally okay too. Things don't have to go fast. Take it slow, take it chill._
> 
> _Uhm, we can meet somewhere outside school? Tomorrow? But you choose the place, bby. Anything you find comfortable._
> 
> _Love, Even_
> 
> _Ps: I love you too, baby._
> 
> _Ps2: you didn't answer me about the jacket??_
> 
> _Ps3: Mwuaah :* I am never forgetting that hahaha_
> 
> _Ps4: Playstation 4! Yaay, I reached Ps4 again._
> 
> _Ps5: I'm a hopeless romantic, Isak. Of course I am the same in person too. Also, I'm glad you liked the flower. Many more will be waiting for you in the future._
> 
> _♡_

_._

_._

> To: ebn1997@gmail.com 
> 
> From: isakyaki@gmail.com
> 
> Subject: Fuck, I'm in love and so ridiculous...I just want to say that all the time
> 
> * * *
> 
> Hey, baby,
> 
> Fuck, I fricking love calling you that, Even.
> 
> I just arrived home, and couldn't wait to send you this. I have something very very important that I want to discuss.
> 
> Listen me carefully baby: NO!
> 
> Between you and me? There won't be fear or shame. We have a whole world that will try to judge us and put us down. But not me, or you. Not us. Did you listen me? We are going to trust each other, baby, with feelings, with everything. No doubts.
> 
> If we have doubts, it's okay, but then we share. If we are scared, we share. We share, and we love each other. This is how we are going to be.
> 
> What do you think? Can we add this to our vows? 
> 
> I'm serious, baby. It will be us against the world. And I will take care of you, okay? And you take care of me. I know that because I feel your love for me.
> 
> So pay attention, we are going to meet tomorrow after school. I'm going to be weird as fuck, but fuck it. Because you won't judge. Because we are going to decide now, today, how our relationship is going to be. 
> 
> And this is how it's going to be: No secrets, no fears, no nothing that we keep between us. 
> 
> What about that? We are going to be better together.
> 
> Up for it?
> 
> I know it's scaring baby boy. Believe me. It's not easy. But we can do that, you tought me that. Don't hold on anymore, give yourself in and I will give you everything too. Take the leap of faith and I will catch you, baby. 
> 
> Let's take it together. 
> 
> Don't be scared, baby boy. You think too much. Stop thinking with your brain, the best thoughts came from the heart.
> 
> Maybe I'm just a naive boy, in love with his first boyfriend, but I want you to have all of me.
> 
> Isak,
> 
> More in love now than in the last letter,
> 
> Ps: Im returning your jacket tomorrow, Jesus Christ. Before you were my bf you used to give me clothes, not ask me to return them, lol
> 
> Ps2: I didn't forget we are married. We were married before we were boyfriends. Do we have chill? Zero. 
> 
> Ps3: Im going to meet Jonas later. I'm anxious and scared, but I'm also done with hiding. I will tell him about me and about the guy I'm in love with, and how we are good together. My boyfriend and I
> 
> Ps4: playstation! Boyfriend!
> 
> Ps5: okay, I need to chill out, I wrote boyfriend in every single ps, it's embarassing
> 
> Ps6: call me delicious again
> 
> Ps7: and say something about my eyes again maybe? Yes, definitely that

.

.

> _To: Isakyaki@gmail.com_
> 
> _From: Ebn1997@gmail.com_
> 
> _Subject: I'm in love just as much as you are_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _Okay baby, okay. We will always talk. We will share and talk. And we will love each other._  

> _There will be fear but you are always there to make it fade away._

> _What will I do without you, Isak Bech Valtersen-Naesheim?_

> _You don't know but your words always mean so much to me. Thank you._

> _In a way, you comfort me just like you say I comfort you. You say the perfect words too, Issy. And this just shows how right you are for me._

> _I'm completing giving myself to you. I'm all yours. I might have fears but I will always discuss them with you. And I'm sure you know what to say to get rid of my fears._

> _No secrets. I'm an open book now. Ask me anything, I will tell you. Or if I have something on my mind, I will talk to you._

> _You're the perfect boyfriend._

> _Psfftt. I literally said you can give me one of your jackets if you didn't want to give mine back. *rolls eyes*_

> _But you know what? You're right. After marriage, the relationship just... changes. No?_

> _Nah, not for us._

> _Anyways, this boyfriend of yours that you're going to tell Jonas about... hm. You're in love with him huh? Well, I really hope this guy treats you the right way and takes care of you because you're precious. I will break this guy's face if he ever hurts you. You're just a precious little baby who deserves all the love._

> _But anyway, it will go great, don't worry. I know it's scary but you'll be okay. ♡_

> _Oh, I haven't called you delicious today? Stupid me. *facepalm*_

> _You're my delicious baby who has the most beautiful, mesmerizing eyes in the world. Your eyes makes my knees go weak. Your eyes... you.. have so much power over me. (I hope you use it well.)_

> _You're so demanding though. Could I ever say no to you? *sigh*_

> _Best regards,_

> _Even ;)_

> _Ps: I love my grumpy bby. ♡_

> _Ps2: I'm hanging with friends all night today so if I don't reply immediately, please don't worry and please don't be mad. You know I love you right? My life, my light♡_

> _Did I just rhyme? Haha wow._

> _Ps3: I can't wait to meet you. I can't wait to hold you again. I can't wait to see your eyes upclose. I can't wait._

> _Tomorrow. Our dorky day._

_._

_._  

> To: ebn1997@gmail.com 
> 
> From: isakyaki@gmail.com
> 
> Subject: Tomorrow
> 
> * * *
> 
> To my baby,
> 
> Tomorrow, after school. <3
> 
> Just approach me, you know how I look like, after all. I'll be waiting outside.
> 
> I'm going to find Jonas now, and you already wished me luck, so...It will be okay, maybe it's the love feeling, but I'm feeling so optimistic.
> 
> You, boy, it's my everything now.
> 
> Okay, I just said that and I know it's cheesy as fuck, fucking Jesus Christ, the things you do to me...
> 
> One would think two boys in love would be more chill than that. 
> 
> Yeah, yeah, yeah, I can hear you in my head talking some bullshit about this being sexist and blablablabla. I know, it just left this way, I'm a work in progress...and yeah, I realize I'm demanding...but you're making me this way! You have just you to blame.
> 
> I can't wait to see how my baby boy looks like.
> 
> Even, I'm ready to start living my life.
> 
>  
> 
> Fully and absolutely yours, 
> 
> Isak
> 
> <3

.

.

> _To: Isakyaki@gmail.com_
> 
> _From: Ebn1997@gmail.com_
> 
> _Subject: Read after talking to Jonas_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _I'm not going to lecture you. I know that you're learning and that you're not actually ignorant._
> 
> _You are my everything too, baby._
> 
> _I hope the talk with Jonas goes/went smooth. I hope you feel lighter and happier._
> 
> _And I know this is literally the worst time to drop this bomb on you but I promised you so many times that I would tell you... yet I kept delaying it._
> 
> _But in my previous email, I promised no more secrets. And yet, I forgot to mention the biggest secret I have._
> 
> _So here it is._
> 
> _I admit I am really terrified right now. I'm shaking. I don't know how you're going to react and it scares me even more. My heart is pounding inside my chest and my head is spinning. I'm so scared._
> 
> _But I'm reminding myself that you said you wouldn't leave me._
> 
> _So..._
> 
> _*takes deep breath*_
> 
> _I am bipolar._
> 
> _The thing in my previous school with my friends and Mikael is related to my bipolar._
> 
> _I had an episode. A very bad one._
> 
> _I kissed Mikael._
> 
> _After gym class, we were both changing and I was... not wearing anything. It was just the two of us. The others had already left. Mikael was changing and I don't know.. I just had these thoughts. They were going so fast. I just walked up to him and kissed him. Or.. more than that._
> 
> _He pushed me away and ran. He ran._
> 
> _I ran after him. Naked. In front of the whole school._
> 
> _I was ashamed. I still am._
> 
> _And I'm so scared right now. Afraid of what you think.. Afraid of your response._
> 
> _But no more secrets._
> 
> _So here it is._
> 
> _You can't imagine how people looked at me that day. They were so shocked. Some were laughing, others were disgusted.. and some were amused. But I try not to think about my embarrassment._
> 
> _I changed schools partly because of that. But also partly because of the worst depressive episode that lasted 3 months. I couldn't attend classes, couldn't give the final exams._
> 
> _This is why I am repeating 3rd year._
> 
> _I was so ashamed that I stopped talking to my friends too. They sent me some texts like if I was insane or whatever. I don't know if it was about kissing Mikael or about running naked in the hallways._
> 
> _I stopped talking to them. I stopped answering. I knew then that they didn't want a crazy person like me in their lives. I pulled away. And it was easier because I couldn't do anything during my depressive episode._
> 
> _I wouldn't be mad or surprised if you decided you didn't want me anymore._
> 
> _But no more secrets, right baby?_
> 
> _No more secrets._
> 
> _It's all out in the open_
> 
> _Now it's your choice._
> 
> _Even_
> 
> _Ps: It's so hard to press send_
> 
> _Ps2: It's been 10 minutes.. my hand is still hovering over the button._
> 
> _Ps3: Okay I'm gonna do it._
> 
> _Ps4: Wait, not before I make this clear. I love you and only you. You somehow saved me. You made me better. You healed that pain without even knowing._
> 
> _I know I probably sound like a paradox._
> 
> _Just know that.. you made it better. You helped me. You saved me. You made me happy again. You made life worth something again. You're my light. Brightening up my dark days._
> 
> _And I'm terrified of losing you._

.

**To be continued...**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> anyadarkseid original comment:  
> "well i was just thinkin, how much can u love someone? is there any limit? one day your feelings freeze at some level and thats it? if there is limit i dont think it works like that with even and isak, i think their love is limitless and eternal and just like even said, today hes more in love with isak when he was yesterday or 10 days ago, i think their love works like that."
> 
> Beautiful <3
> 
> \--
> 
> BONUS:
> 
> In a parallel universe, Isak asks for Even's number in his email he sends after he wakes up. (First email in this chapter) and they text each other. (All written by nessauepa)
> 
> Even: I just arrived home
> 
> Even: Isak?
> 
> Even: ping
> 
> Isak: pong!
> 
> Even: hahaha
> 
> Isak: lol
> 
> Even: :) 
> 
> Isak: :)
> 
> Isak: It's strange receiving answers that fast
> 
> Even: hahaha
> 
> Isak: marco
> 
> Even: polo?
> 
> Isak: Yes!
> 
> Even: fuck, you are so adorable
> 
> Isak: :)
> 
> Even: :)
> 
> Isak: :)
> 
> Even: hahaha 
> 
> Even: Good night, baby
> 
> Isak: Good night, baby boy
> 
> Even: ah, I want to call you that too!
> 
> Isak: You can do it
> 
> Even: good night, baby boy
> 
> Isak: good night, baby boy 
> 
> Even: fuck, my heart
> 
> Even: <3
> 
> Isak: <3
> 
> Even: :)
> 
> Isak: :)
> 
> Even: <3
> 
> Isak: hahahhaha
> 
> Even: :) 
> 
> Isak: <3
> 
> Even: <3
> 
> Isak: Go!
> 
> Even: Bossy!
> 
> Isak: <3
> 
> Even: hahahaha
> 
> Isak: Good night!
> 
> Even: Good night!
> 
> Even: Okay, I'm going now
> 
> Even: Talk to you tmrw?
> 
> Even: Isak? 
> 
> Isak: Yes
> 
> Even: Isak?
> 
> Isak: Yes?
> 
> Even: Just checking 
> 
> Isak: It's me
> 
> Even: Good
> 
> Isak: hahahaha
> 
> Even: <3
> 
> Isak: <3
> 
> But since this is a letter!verse, no texting here. 
> 
> We did write a texting one shot, though. Check it out
> 
> [Here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14186943)
> 
> Nessauepa again here: Loveevak said I have a texting kink :p


	17. Chapter 17

> To: ebn1997@gmail.com 
> 
> From: isakyaki@gmail.com
> 
> Subject: Re: Read after talking to Jonas
> 
> * * *
> 
> Even,
> 
> I want to tell you a story, it's called "the boy who couldn't sleep".
> 
> It's the story of this boy, who lived on a planet where light didn't come. He lived by himself, alone all the time, he felt it in his bones. Loneliness.
> 
> The boy couldn't sleep, because when he closed his eyes at night, and it was always night there, it was too dark. And it scared the shit out of him. This was also a thing about this boy, he was scared all the time.
> 
> And things went like that for a while, he thought it was okay, he really did. He didn't even realize that something was wrong or missing, he had lived all his life like that, after all.
> 
> But then, one night, a star appeared in his sky. It blinded him, and he was so angry, so so angry with that star. He wanted the star to go away so that he could return to his “okay” life. He shut his eyes and refused to see it, because more scaring than the darkness was that bright bright light. Darkness? At least he was used to it.
> 
> “Go away!” shout the boy.
> 
> “I can't.”
> 
> “Why not?” asked the grumpy boy.
> 
> “I'm enamored of you.”
> 
> “What is enamored?” asked the boy curiously.
> 
> “It's when you think something is the most pretty thing in the universe.”
> 
> But the star? It refused to go away. It was a stubborn star, if you ask me. It stuck there, day after day, until the boy had no other option than to open his eyes.
> 
> And when he did, boy, it was beautiful, it shined, and he couldn't look away anymore, he couldn't believe something like that could even exist. He got enamored of it.
> 
> It was amazing, the boy didn't see only the star. With the light it emanated he could finally see his whole world. He could look down, extend his hands and see himself.
> 
> He didn't like everything he saw, this is true, but at least he wasn't oblivious anymore. At least he could work to improve. And the thing was, he wanted it. For the first time, it mattered.
> 
> One day he dared to talk to the star.
> 
> "Hi," he said shyly.
> 
> "Hi," answered the star shyly.
> 
> And that night, they didn't say anything else, they just smiled at each other.
> 
> They looked at each other every day after that, and every day their shy smiles turned a tone brighter.
> 
> One day, the boy asked how it was to shine like that. And to his surprise, he discovered the star didn't know about its own light, or how special it was.
> 
> The star didn't even know how everything in the boy's world had changed. How now he slept and how he discovered about dreaming.
> 
> One day the star asked: "There are infinite stars out there. Why me?"
> 
> And the boy answered: "You're the only one I fell in love with, to me now you are unique in the whole universe."
> 
> But the star was still not convinced, it whispered, like telling a secret: "Sometimes the moon covers me and I can't shine that bright."
> 
> The star looked away, afraid. But the boy smiled, the star had no clue.
> 
> "No matter how little you shine, you're still all the light of my world."
> 
> The end.
> 
> Even, I don't know what I'm doing most of the time. This is the truth. Most of the time I'm still insecure, and shy, even if now I try. I don't even know why this story came like that. I don't know a lot. I don't know how blue are your eyes. I don't know how it feels kissing you outside my dreams. I don't know if you have dimples when you smile or if I would smile just by seeing you smiling. I don't know you in so many ways. And I don't know in how many forms you can know someone, but I feel like we know each other in all the ones that matter.
> 
> But then, we promised no more secrets, right baby?
> 
> So I need to tell you something, and when I say this I want you to know it isn’t out of pity, it isn’t impulsive, it was thoroughly thought and thoroughly felt, and this is something I know:
> 
> I love you, Even.

.

. 

> _To: Isakyaki@gmail.com_
> 
> _From: Ebn1997@gmail.com_
> 
> _Subject: I fucking love you_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _I fucking love you too baby!!!!! I love you. I love you._

> _Oh my god. You made me cry. Ufff. I love you baby. I love you so much_

> _Even_

_._

_._

> _To: Isakyaki@gmail.com_
> 
> _From: Ebn1997@gmail.com_
> 
> _Subject: oops_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _I am just soooooo happy. Just so happy right now. My heart is about to explode._
> 
> _I'm crying right now. I am. It's a mixture of happiness and sadness._
> 
> _You made me cry so much._
> 
> _I don't know what I've done to deserve you, to be loved by you and to be this lucky. You're my everything._
> 
> _I can't believe you see me like this._
> 
> _You mean so much to me. Your words mean so much._
> 
> _You literally portrayed me so well as the star. About the insecurities._
> 
> _And your replies mean so much to me._
> 
> _It's like.. there really is something in me other than my looks that you love. But then I remember, you haven't even seen me. You're totally in love with my personality. And fuck, this makes me want to believe I'm worth something too._
> 
> _It made me sad to read about how you felt before me. How lonely and sad. My poor baby. :c_
> 
> _I still remember, really well, how you were in the beginning. How scared and closed off. Gosh, it makes me so proud to see you come this far. I love you. I fucking love you._
> 
> _I also still remember how hurt I was when you shred my letter and threw it away. But you being mine now makes up for it. We've come a long way, haven't we baby?_
> 
> _I'm just so giddy, so excited. So enthusiastic. I can't believe this. It's like I'm dreaming all over again._
> 
> _My heart is about to burst baby. I think I'll faint._
> 
> _I love you. I love you baby. I love you._
> 
> _Say it again, please. Say it._
> 
> _And btw, you're my star too ♡_
> 
> _Even_
> 
> _Ps: I LOOOVEE YOUUU TOOO ♡♡_
> 
> _Ps2: Say it again <3??_

.

. 

> To: ebn1997@gmail.com 
> 
> From: isakyaki@gmail.com
> 
> Subject: (no subject)
> 
> * * *
> 
> Wait. You think you're the star? This is what you got from my story?
> 
> And what do you want me to say?

.

.

> _To: Isakyaki@gmail.com_
> 
> _From: Ebn1997@gmail.com_
> 
> _Subject: (no subject)_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _Right. I better get back to my friends._

> _Can't believe I was going to kick them out just to talk to you !!!_

> _Are you even the same person???_

> _See you around, bro_

> _Sent from my iPhone_

_._

_._

> To: ebn1997@gmail.com 
> 
> From: isakyaki@gmail.com
> 
> Subject: (no subject)
> 
> * * *
> 
> "See you around, bro?"
> 
> Hahahahahahaha.
> 
> I love you, bro. How about that?

.

.

> _To: Isakyaki@gmail.com_
> 
> _From: Ebn1997@gmail.com_
> 
> _Subject: No homo_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _I love you too bro. No homo though._

.

.

> To: ebn1997@gmail.com 
> 
> From: isakyaki@gmail.com
> 
> Subject: Hm
> 
> * * *
> 
> Hahahahahahahahahahahaha.
> 
> Hm, this is a problem, though. Maybe I forgot to mention  that. But I'm...wait for it: a boy.
> 
> What can we do about it?

.

.

> _To: Isakyaki@gmail.com_
> 
> _From: Ebn1997@gmail.com_
> 
> _Subject: Not that kind of love, sweetie_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _I'm talking about a friendly love. A love between two bros. Not romantic love. Therefore, no homo ;)_

_._

_._  

> To: ebn1997@gmail.com 
> 
> From: isakyaki@gmail.com
> 
> Subject: Homo
> 
> * * *
> 
> Maybe a little homo?

.

.

> _To: Isakyaki@gmail.com_
> 
> _From: Ebn1997@gmail.com_
> 
> _Subject: Re: Homo_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _ExCuSe mE???_  

> _A little homo? Are you kidding me?_

> _Seriously?_

> _I'm 100% homo for you. Not just a little._

> _Hell, I'm a 200% homo for you. Full homo._

> _I love you baby._

> _Tell me how was your day?_ _How did the talk with Jonas go? Were you able to? What did he say?_

> _I can't wait to see you tomorrow. And meet you again. But this time, hopefully you're awake._

> _I'm so excited. I'm so content. I'm so in love._

> _Baby, please say it again._

> _Don't fight it. Don't fight me. Just give in already. Pleaaaaseee._

> _I gave myself to you and you treat me like this? Implying that the star isn't supposed to be me.. :c_

> _I thought I was special. You had me fooled._

> _Your **star** , Even_

> _Ps: I love you. Full homo though._

_._

_._

> To: ebn1997@gmail.com 
> 
> From: isakyaki@gmail.com
> 
> Subject: It was always a lost battle...
> 
> * * *
> 
> Even! I talked to Jonas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> I still can't believe it, Even. You wouldn't fucking believe it! It was so...easy? I don't know what I was expecting exactly. And you know what? I wasn't that nervous, because I thought about you all the time. And baby, it was amazing. You wouldn't believe it!! I said I liked a boy. He asked if the boy was him. Hahahahahaha. And this is funny, because I used to have a crush on him. Wait, have I ever told you that? Well, anyway...then I said it was you, the boy that I wrote to. I said I'm in love with you, too. I said you love me too and that we have a thing. He is the first person knowing I'm in love with you. Isn't that cool? It kinda makes it more official?
> 
> Hahahaha. I'm sorry about all this rambling. I got too excited.
> 
> He said he suspected about you, because apparently I talk about you too much. He also said we owe him, because he was the one bothering me to reply to you. 
> 
> I told Jonas, Even!!! Can you believe that?
> 
> He didn't care! He doesn't give a shit if I love a girl or you. And fuck, this is good.
> 
> I have my best friend and my boyfriend. 
> 
> You are my boyfriend! And Even...I feel like you are my friend too. Like, okay, you are my boyfriend (right?), but I feel like we are also friends, like Jonas and I. But the difference is that I think about kissing the shit out of you all the time. Lol. I know, what bro attitude is that, right.
> 
> Even. Have I ever told you you are perfect to me?
> 
> I love you! I love you! I love you!
> 
> I'm so in love all the time...
> 
> I'm completely yours, just yours, Even. I don't care about how ridiculous and cheesy I'm being, I feel so happy and full. I want you to have me. You can have everything. What do you want? My heart? My body? My soul? Take everything.
> 
> I'm so proud of being your boyfriend, you know that? I still can't believe you would have me. I'm so lucky! You are so cool, and nice, and good, and smart, and funny, and patient, and enervating, and chill, and not chill, and supportive. I'm so so proud of you.
> 
> I told Jonas you are all of this.
> 
> I love you, baby boy.
> 
> Ps: I promise I'll be awake next time

.

. 

> To: ebn1997@gmail.com 
> 
> From: isakyaki@gmail.com
> 
> Subject: U there?
> 
> * * *
> 
> Baby, are you there? Did you go sleep?
> 
> I'm excited for tomorrow...I can't sleep.  Can you say something to calm me down if you are still awake?
> 
> Can you say something romantic? 
> 
> :p
> 
> I like when you say that stuff you do. It makes me smile.

.

.

> _To: Isakyaki@gmail.com_
> 
> _From: Ebn1997@gmail.com_
> 
> _Subject: Sorry bby_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _Baby, I am so sorry. I was making dinner for my friends, mom and myself. And then we were eating. I'm here. I'm awake. My friends just left._

> _I am sooo happy too. I'm so excited. I'm finally gonna see you tomorrow. Awake. ;)_

> _But seriously, I'm nervous too. I hope it goes all well._

> _Actually. It will go well!_

> _But anyways. I am soooooo proud of you for opening up to Jonas and telling him that you like a boy. I'm so proud. I'm a proud boyfriend. The proudest._

> _But uhm? Excuse me? A crush on Jonas? I cried to you about Mikael and you never thought to tell me this? I'm so sad :c_

> _Okay, nah. I'm only kidding, babe. I must admit, I am a bit jealous because... you're friends...... and I just.._

> _I'm sorry. I don't mean to be that shitty boyfriend._

> _You know what? I'm so fucking lucky to have you too. You're the first person who ever fought for me. Who didn't give up on me. You're really brave and smart. And delicious. Never forget that. You're just as kind and beautiful. But the best is when you're grumpy or acting like a brat. Gives me a heart boner._

> _I can't believe how one second you're being loving and cheesy and romantic, and when I reply to you, you're back to being pretending that you aren't all of that._

> _And I'm yours baby. You can have me, all of me. It's yours._

> _I'm sooo fucking happy. I'm taking everything of yours, Isak. Everything. You offered. It's mine now :D_

> _I can't believe I was being jealous over Jonas when you're giving me even your soul. :,)_

> _I love you too. I love you back. I love you. I love you._

> _I'll see you tomorrow and I'm going to be so happy._

> _I love you. Just be calm. Think about cute things, things that make you calm._

> _You're perfect baby. I love you._

> _Love, Even_

_._

_._

> To: ebn1997@gmail.com 
> 
> From: isakyaki@gmail.com
> 
> Subject: Hm
> 
> * * *
> 
> You know what? I really like when you call me baby. But sometimes, when you call me Isak it sends shivers down my spine. Hahahahah. I know, how idiot is that? Everyone calls me that...but you saying that, it messes with me.
> 
> Were you jealous of me?? Are you a jealous person?
> 
> I don't know if I would be jealous...but I don't like thinking about you and Mikael. Does it make me jealous?
> 
> Ps: mental note, be a brat, my bf likes it. And what the fuck is a heart boner?

.

.

> _To: Isakyaki@gmail.com_
> 
> _From: Ebn1997@gmail.com_
> 
> _Subject: Heart boner_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _I'm not jealous of YOU, Isak. I just don't like to think that you're friends with someone whom you used to like. Just the same way you don't like thinking of Mikael and I._
> 
> _But whatever. It shouldn't matter because you're mine and I'm yours. And hopefully, nobody can break us._

> _Isak, baby, I am not a jealous person in general. I don't get jealous easily._

> _Heart boner is another word for you making my heart feel things._

> _Isak ;)_

> _Isak ;)_

> _Isak ;)_

> _Do you have a boner now? :D_

> _Even_

_._

_._  

> To: ebn1997@gmail.com 
> 
> From: isakyaki@gmail.com
> 
> Subject: Heart boner
> 
> * * *
> 
> It's not like that. You can't just say it out of nowhere. I don't really now how to explain it. It's when you are saying something, and then you use my name. 
> 
> Like when you wrote "I'm not jealous of YOU, Isak". My heart gave a flip. I'm kinda ashamed now. I'm just telling you that because we are sharing our things right?
> 
> Ps: I don't have a crush on Jonas anymore. I just think of you, baby. I love you, Even. This isn't just words to me. And Jonas is the best friend anyone could have, he's so important, he helped me so much. You would like him. You both are so alike...you share the same beliefs and stuff. Don't be jealous of him, you have no reason. I wish I could share my thoughts with you, how they are full of you and just you.
> 
> Ps2: say my name again like that? :p 
> 
> Ps3: we are sharing our things right? Can I tell you all the things I'm thinking? I have something I want to tell you... 

.

. 

> _To: Isakyaki@gmail.com_
> 
> _From: Ebn1997@gmail.com_
> 
> _Subject: Heart boner_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _Excuse me, baby. You can't just end your email there. Tell me what do you want to say._
> 
> _Tell meee, bbbyyy. I'm curious._
> 
> _Yes bby, I know you love me. And I love you. I believe you, Isak._
> 
> _I'm just glad you have someone who helped you._
> 
> _Isak ;)_
> 
> _Yeah, I get it. You only feel it when I'm saying it in between a talk._
> 
> _Don't be ashamed, Isak. You can tell me anything._
> 
> _Even_

_._

_._

> To: ebn1997@gmail.com 
> 
> From: isakyaki@gmail.com
> 
> Subject: Heart boner
> 
> * * *
> 
> We are really sticking with this subject, hu. Heart boner. It reminds me of that movie The Hurt Locker.
> 
> And you did that on purpose? "Don't be ashamed, Isak." Hu?! 
> 
> Anyway...I'm just deflecting.
> 
> I want to tell you, or I mean, I want to ask you something. Even, when we meet...and stuff...can you maybe explain me things about this bipolar thing? I don't want to screw things with you by saying or doing the wrong thing.
> 
> You need to tell me stuff, you need to be honest with me. Like brutal honest. You need to explain me how to make you happy. This is important.
> 
> I should probably go sleep now...
> 
> Good night, baby.
> 
> I love you
> 
> :)
> 
> ^ fuck it's good to my soul to say that
> 
> I love you

.

.

> _To: Isakyaki@gmail.com_
> 
> _From: Ebn1997@gmail.com_
> 
> _Subject: Re: Heart boner_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _Oh my god! Imagine getting an email with the subject "Heart boner"._
> 
>  

> _Uhhhh. Well. My phone was on the table next to my mom's and when my phone pinged, my mom picked it up, thinking it was hers._

> _Guess what? She saw "Heart boner" and her reaction was priceless._

> _It's been 5 minutes but I'm still laughing._

> _Yes, baby. I added Isak after every sentence on purpose to make your heart feel things._

> _And uhm.. yeah of course. We can talk about everything. I will explain everything. If you're going to be my partner, of course we have to talk about my bipolar. Of course you need to know everything._

> _But.. uhm. Remember, you have the choice to leave whenever you want. You don't owe me anything._

> _Even_

> _Ps: stay a little? It's only 22.38_

_._

_._

> To: ebn1997@gmail.com 
> 
> From: isakyaki@gmail.com
> 
> Subject: Re: Re: Heart boner
> 
> * * *
> 
> To leave? Do I need to make up another story for you?
> 
> Once upon a time, there was this boy, he met a boy, he fell in love. But that boy he loved said he should leave, that it was okay. So he looked directly into his eyes and whispered "fuck you". And they lived happily forever after.
> 
> The end.
> 
> Am I the best with stories or what? I should be a screenplay writer. Then we could win an Oscar together? 
> 
> Am I your partner? 
> 
> I don't like this word to be true...it's like we are making business, and boy, the businesses I'm interest to do with you, they are not very professional.
> 
> :p
> 
> Baby, 15 hours until we meet. Are you feeling your stomach freezing too?
> 
> Ah, almost forgot it...how was your day, baby?
> 
> :)
> 
> Baby boy?
> 
> (:
> 
> :)
> 
> (:
> 
> Ps: I'm really trying, but my eyes are closing, so if I don't answer anymore...
> 
> Ps2: ...it's because I'm dreaming about you.
> 
> Ps3: I love how we talk to each other every night now
> 
> Ps4: I don't feel alone anymore, because I have you
> 
> Ps5: fuck Even, I love you
> 
> Ps6: You think it will be that good in person?
> 
> Ps7: good night in case I fell asleep.

.

. 

> _To: Isakyaki@gmail.com_
> 
> _From: Ebn1997@gmail.com_
> 
> _Subject: Partners_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _Woah, baby. I wasn't expecting you to talk about 'other businesses' yet._

> _A partner... is equal._

> _You are my equal._

> _But you can be anything. Partner, boyfriend, significant other, husband._

> _Hahahah, your story :')_

> _Yes babes, you can fuck me all you want. I'm all yours ;)_

> _Yaaas, I am actually very very excited for tomorrow! I have a gift for you too, which I'll be leaving in my jacket in gym class tomorrow morning._

> _I don't feel alone anymore. And I like talking to you every night before I sleep._

> _My day was great! My friends came over, we played Fortnight and Fifa on my 'playstation 4' *wink wink* and we watched a few movies. And we shared stories, ending in laughs. It was a great day._

> _But the highlight of my day was you saying I love you. My heart burst into flames right then._

> _I love you more baby. I love you._

> _Go to sleep. I wouldn't want to disturb you anymore._

> _We are meeting tomorrow anyway. So sleep baby. ♡_

> _Regards,_

> _Even_

> _Ps: What's with all the smileys? lol_

> _Ps2: Love it when you call me baby boy. You're my baby boy too ♡_

_._

_._  

> To: ebn1997@gmail.com 
> 
> From: isakyaki@gmail.com
> 
> Subject: You broke the heart boner chain :(
> 
> * * *
> 
> Okay, I'm going now....I love you, baby boy :)
> 
> What about that?
> 
> Say you love me too?
> 
> Good night, Even. Baby.
> 
> Your Isak

.

.

> _To: Isakyaki@gmail.com_
> 
> _From: Ebn1997@gmail.com_
> 
> _Subject: MY Isak_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _My Isak. My Isak. MYYY Isak._  

> _Oh my god. My Isak. All mine. My Isak, the one I'm going to meet tomorrow._

> _My Isak is so demanding *I am rolling my eyes right now*_

> _I love you, bby. I love you soo much, you can't even imagine._

> _Goodnight, Isak baby. Sweet dreams ♡_

> _Your Even_

_._

_._   

> To: ebn1997@gmail.com 
> 
> From: isakyaki@gmail.com
> 
> Subject: My Even
> 
> * * *
> 
> I can't believe you are mine. I wish i could yell to the whole world I have the most amazing bf. I wish everyone knew I'm yours and you are mine.
> 
> Everything is going to be okay tomorrow.
> 
> Good night, baby boy, dream about me.
> 
> Your Isak

_._

_._  

> To: ebn1997@gmail.com 
> 
> From: isakyaki@gmail.com
> 
> Subject: Wait!
> 
> * * *
> 
> I love you, Even!
> 
> Now you can go sleep.
> 
> Your Isak

.

.

> _To: Isakyaki@gmail.com_
> 
> _From: Ebn1997@gmail.com_
> 
> _Subject: My Isak_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _I love you too baby. I'll see you tomorrow._  

> _And I will definitely dream about you._

> _Your Even_

> _Ps: You can tell the world whenever you want_

_._

_._

> To: ebn1997@gmail.com 
> 
> From: isakyaki@gmail.com
> 
> Subject: (no subject)
> 
> * * *
> 
> I'm sooo tired, but I don't want to stop talking to you. I wish you were here.
> 
> I love you.

.

.

> _To: Isakyaki@gmail.com_
> 
> _From: Ebn1997@gmail.com_
> 
> _Subject: My Isak_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _Go to sleep, Abby. I'll see you tomorrow. It will be perfect._

> _I love you._

> _Your star_

_._

_._

> To: ebn1997@gmail.com 
> 
> From: isakyaki@gmail.com
> 
> Subject: (no subject)
> 
> * * *
> 
> Abby? Wtf

_._

_._

> _To: Isakyaki@gmail.com_
> 
> _From: Ebn1997@gmail.com_
> 
> _Subject: (no subject)_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _Oops. That's my sidechick. My other girlfriend ;)_
> 
>  

_._

_._

> To: ebn1997@gmail.com 
> 
> From: isakyaki@gmail.com
> 
> Subject: (no subject)
> 
> * * *
> 
> Oh, is this why you want me to sleep? Hu? So you can give her attention?
> 
> Does she know about this slightly homo thing you have going on?

.

.

> _To: Isakyaki@gmail.com_
> 
> _From: Ebn1997@gmail.com_
> 
> _Subject: My Isak_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _Yep, that's exactly why I want you to sleep. It's not like I care about your health or you or anything._

> _And yes, she knows. Abby and I are in an open relationship. She fully supports me with my homo thing._

_._

_._

> To: ebn1997@gmail.com 
> 
> From: isakyaki@gmail.com
> 
> Subject: (no subject)
> 
> * * *
> 
> Yeah? Do you love her?

.

.

> _To: Isakyaki@gmail.com_
> 
> _From: Ebn1997@gmail.com_
> 
> _Subject: Uhhhhhh_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _Ewwwwwwwwwwww_
> 
>  

> _Ewwww_ _Ew eweweweww_

> _yuck_

> _Noo way!_

> _The only person I love is you. My Isak <3_

> _Your Even_

_._

_._

> To: ebn1997@gmail.com 
> 
> From: isakyaki@gmail.com
> 
> Subject: (no subject)
> 
> * * *
> 
> And I only love you.
> 
> Good night! Stop messing with me.
> 
> I will see you tomorrow, baby boy.

.

. 

> _To: Isakyaki@gmail.com_
> 
> _From: Ebn1997@gmail.com_
> 
> _Subject: Best Boyfriend ever_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _ok bby. I'm so sorry._
> 
>  

> _I love you. I loooveee youuu babes. I love you so much._

> _You're my only partner, only significant other, only boyfriend._

> _I know you trust me. And I know you know I was kidding_

> _But still, just wanted to say:_

> _I don't even know anyone named Abby lol._

> _I love you baby boy. You will see me tomorrow. And also a gift._

> _Your star, your Even_

_._

_._

> To: ebn1997@gmail.com 
> 
> From: isakyaki@gmail.com
> 
> Subject: (no subject)
> 
> * * *
> 
> I know. I don't know how I know, but this was always the point about you.
> 
> I know, I feel. I love you.
> 
> Night, baby boy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you felt Little Prince vibes, you were right.  
> Ps: Initially, we planned a really reaally bad heartbreak for Isak (and Even) but mostly Isak. But in the last minute, we changed it. We couldn't go through with it.  
> So It's only gonna be fluff from now on.  
> .  
> This is a slow burn for a reason, people.  
> But yas, they are meeting in the next chapter for sure.


	18. Chapter 18

 

> _To the boy with green eyes,_
> 
> _Good morning, my beautiful ♡_
> 
> _How are you doing? I'm so excited to meet you today. Can't wait till the end of the day._
> 
> _Anyway, I have a gift for you. It's in my jacket in the locker room._
> 
> _Your Even_

.

.

Isak flies to the locker room with his heart already racing and a huge smile denouncing his emotions. But he can't avoid thinking...will he be there? His heart is a lost cause. Fuck, will there ever be a day when his heart is going to behave again in this room? Like it used to, in a time when this room was just that, a room, and Isak hadn't learned yet how a heart could hurt so good, so so damn good.

He steps into the locker room and his heart sinks in his chest, his limbs losing all at once. Isak is melting, from the smile on his face to the muscles in his neck, making him tilt his head to the side and stare with eyes shining. Because the boy he is in love with left him a thousand red roses, tucked into the jacket’s pockets, sprawled out on the bench and on the floor. And boy, it hurts so good.

Even.

Isak gathers every single flower and join them in a huge red bouquet, shaking his head all the time, thinking about the email he is going to send him and worrying if his stuffed locker will even fit all of this. _This boy. My boy._ Fuck, he loves him, he really does. And no wonder he is head over heels like that, who does things like that? Isak is smiling to himself like an idiot when he checks the jacket’s pockets with his free hand. Just in case.

He founds a little piece of paper and a small red box. He goes for the box first. Isak is curious, alright. He opens it with a click and he almost drops all the flowers together with his chin. His heart treats to explode. There, tucked on the red velvet is a single gold ring. _What the actual fuck._

Isak’s blood freezes as he rushes to read the paper, realizing he is a trembling mass. His whole body is in an internal quake. He can't quite decide if this is a good feeling, and his mind doesn't even dare to think of the whys.

.

 .

> _To baby,_
> 
> _Please don't freak out. I'm not asking you to marry me._
> 
> _This is just a promise ring. I have the same exact one._
> 
> _You know how we're always calling each other husband? Well, I thought these rings would be perfect!_
> 
> _And you asked me to be romantic. Am I romantic enough?_
> 
> _I hope you like it._
> 
> _It's just a promise ring. It means I promise myself to you._
> 
> _You don't have to wear it. Just keep it with yourself as a reminder that I'm yours._
> 
> _Your star, Even._

_._

_._

> To: ebn1997@gmail.com 
> 
> From: isakyaki@gmail.com
> 
> Subject: (no subject)
> 
> * * *
> 
> JESUS CHRIST EVEN. ARE YOU TRYING TO GIVE ME A HEART ATTACK? BECAUSE YOU SUCCEDED.
> 
> I'M SHAKING SO BADLY NOW. FUCK, FOR A MOMENT I THOUGHT YOU WERE ASKING ME TO MARRY YOU! HAHAHAHA. WHAT SHOULD I THINK?
> 
> FUCK, BABY...I NEED A MINUTE.

.

.

> _To: Isakyaki@gmail.com_
> 
> _From: ebn1997@gmail.com_
> 
> _Subject: Husbands_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _it's been more than a minute. How are you now?_
> 
> _Do you wanna say something?_
> 
> _I wasn't trying to give you a heart attack. I was only trying to be romantic because you asked me to be._
> 
> _Do you really think I would ask you to marry me through a piece of paper when we've never even met and you haven't even seen me?_
> 
> _Besides, we're already married. Remember? I even have your 'I do' framed and put up on the wall._
> 
> _I love you baby._
> 
> _How'd you like the romantic gift?_
> 
> _Your star husband, Ev_

_._

_._

> To: ebn1997@gmail.com 
> 
> From: isakyaki@gmail.com
> 
> Subject: (no subject)
> 
> * * *
> 
> Baby, I think my heart won't beat at a normal speed ever again. 
> 
> I think we need to stay apart for the sake of my heart. There is just much it can deal with.
> 
> It was good while it lasted.
> 
> See you around, bro.
> 
> Have a nice life.

 .

.

> _To: Isakyaki@gmail.com_
> 
> _From: ebn1997@gmail.com_
> 
> _Subject: Excuse me?_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _We're already over?_
> 
> _Oh man. I'm glad. I don't have to meet you anymore... BRO. :)_
> 
> _I was so scared before but now I'm relaxed because we don't have to meet._
> 
> _Thanks for making it easyy_
> 
> _Even_

.

.

> To: ebn1997@gmail.com 
> 
> From: isakyaki@gmail.com
> 
> Subject: Always
> 
> * * *
> 
> Everything for my bro.
> 
> But uh, are you expecting to receive the ring back?

.

.

> _To: Isakyaki@gmail.com_
> 
> _From: ebn1997@gmail.com_
> 
> _Subject: Ring and Roses_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _Hmmmmm. Yes, I want it back. It's only for special people, like a future girlfriend or boyfriend, whichever, I don't mind. But it's not for bros. Also the roses. I'd like them back, please._
> 
> _Love, Even._

.

.

> To: ebn1997@gmail.com 
> 
> From: isakyaki@gmail.com
> 
> Subject: Nein
> 
> * * *
> 
> Nein.
> 
> I kinda like it now. I'm keeping everything, for the old times.
> 
> Sorry bro.
> 
> Ps: what did you do with your ring? Are you using it?

.

.

> _To: Isakyaki@gmail.com_
> 
> _From: ebn1997@gmail.com_
> 
> _Subject: no_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _Stop calling me bro if you want to keep the ring!!!!_
> 
> _Also, it's really awkward that you're calling me bro while I'm here, thinking of sucking your dick._
> 
> _I'm wearing the ring btw_
> 
> _Love, Even._

.

.

> To: ebn1997@gmail.com 
> 
> From: isakyaki@gmail.com
> 
> Subject: Bro
> 
> * * *
> 
> You can't say things like that out of nowhere, bro!!
> 
> I'm wearing the ring too, bro.
> 
> If you want it back, you should probably do something about it, because I like how it looks like in my fingers. It reminds me of the bro I'm in love with.
> 
> I feel so much love for you, bro!
> 
> Ps: thanks for the ring, I loved the inscription "Heart Boner" :)
> 
> Ps2: bro

.

.

Isak is still smiling to himself when suddenly his world is ripped off him, when two arms pull him inside an empty classroom and backs him on the windowsill.

Isak looks from the hands holding his forearms to the arms wrapped by a denim jacket, to a big neck full of spots and finally to two round blue eyes. _Fuck._

They both open their mouths at same time, it's ridiculous, but when the boy smiles like the sun, Isak smiles back, shyly, trying to hold his gaze but making a bad job of it.

Even returns him a crooked smile that makes Isak weak in the legs.

_This is Even, and I love him._

Isak squeezes his eyes and tilts his head to one side, as trying to remember a boy he has never really seen. Isak roams his face, trying to commit every detail to memory, and Even keeps there, offering himself willingly to Isak's scrutinizing stare. Even is patient and selfless, he just gives himself to whatever Isak needs.

Isak lifts a hand carefully, like checking where they stand. Even's light lashes flick, but he doesn't move. Isak takes this as a yes, and then he touches him, just with the tip of his fingers, like afraid touching Even could burn him.

And it does, it ignates something in his chest that makes him open his mouth to breathe.

Isak trails the spots of Even's face with his fingers as they both breathe heavily. It's the softest of the touches, but it's overwhelming, and also not enough. Isak needs more, more, more, to know the boy he already loves, so he bravely cups Even cheeks with his palm and runs a thumb gently over Even's skin. Even's lids drop closed and he leans into Isak's touch like he needs it to live.

Isak doesn't exactly plan what he does next, it just happens, he leans in and wraps his arms around Even's back, squeezing a surprised gasp from him that turns into a chuckle that makes Isak smile.

Even hugs him back and Isak allows himself to swallow on his warmth, resting his cheek on Even's collarbone and giving himself too.

And suddenly it's home. It's safe. It's warm and just right. They stay like that for a while, completely absent of any other soul in the world.

When they finally pull apart, they're both with a light in their eyes that they can't quite get rid of. Even looks at him with something that makes Isak want to combust and melt at same time.

And when Even's eyes dart to Isak's lips, Isak does the same automatically.

This time, when Isak looks up, he tilts his chin absurdly up, like a silent and not that subtle invitation. Isak asks for a kiss with green eyes staring into blue.

Even kisses him still smiling, their lips find each other, puckering hesitantly, gluing skin with skin slowly, and it's sweet. Sweet like two kids learning how to kiss. Sweet in ways that Isak can barely stand, in ways he’d never have guessed a boy's lips could be. Even kisses him gently, with plump lips wrapping Isak's lower lip languidly, sucking it gently, and it's nothing but perfect. Even keeps a thumb claiming Isak's cheek possessively like this is something he’s always done, like kissing Isak is just returning home. Then he gives him one, two, three sweet pecks that send Isak's heartbeat to hell. _Fuck, he’s so fucking sweet._

As Even’s ring brushes his skin, Isak feels shivers throughout all his body. He can't help thinking about how he couldn't have imagined before him that a piece of metal could carry so much meaning. That before Even he couldn't even allow himself to think of a “him”. But now that cold object pressed against his cheek represents a whole new universe, composed by just two of them, together, against the world and the odds. So absurdly in love with each other that they decided to have a physical reminder of all these feelings they share. And well, Isak feels this boy with his lips, and everything in his belly.

When Isak runs a hand up Even’s neck, it isn't by accident it’s the one with their ring. Isak makes sure Even can feel it, hoping it gives him the same explosion of feelings he’s feeling inside. And when Even responds by cupping both his cheeks and stepping closer, Isak follows him tilting his chin up with a smile in his mind.

Even squeezes him like he can't bear to be one inch apart, and Isak melts on that windowsill, parting his lips and trying to show Even he is ready, yelling with his mind. _I love you. I'm giving myself in. Take me._

And Even does, he takes what Isak is offering. They kiss opening their mouths and it's overwhelming, they kiss and it's heaven, they kiss and it's Isak's first. The first that mattered, the only one making him twist like this. Even kisses Isak, and Isak kisses him back, tilting their heads to one side and then to another slowly, as they explore and taste each other. It's a gentle and selfless dance, like they are competing to be the one giving more. Even tastes like nothing Isak has ever proved. No girl felt like that. Just Even. Even, Even, Even. Kissing him like Isak needs to be kissed, making his toes curl and his stomach freeze. Even, who is now holding him close and ruining him for everyone else.

And Isak wants to give him everything too. He tries to answer Even's gentle touches by running a hesitant hand to the back of his neck, entangling his fingers on his hair while kissing him with his heart. And when Even’s breath hitches and his movements become slightly sloppy, Isak thinks that yes, he can live a life when he tries to extract the sweetest responses from this boy.

Even runs a hand down, landing it on Isak's waist, always keeping the one with their rings on Isak's face. And when Isak has already forgotten how was life without their mouths connected intimately like that, Even pulls apart slowly, and Isak has to make a conscious effort not to whimper.

“Delicious,” mutters Even with a deep voice that reverberates inside Isak.

Isak’s chuckle just bursts out of him. This boy is ridiculous. And when he looks up under his eyelashes, the smile Even is giving him, fondly, happy, still a little breathless from their kiss, Isak has to, he has to smile back. And then they just smile silently to each other like two idiots in love.

“I love you,” let go Isak, it just flows out of him.

Even huffs a hurt sigh and leans closer, touching their noses together. Isak is amazed by how much effect he has over him.

“Baby…” Even whispers and Isak wants to die. “I have never felt anything quite like what I feel for you, Isak. Ever”.

“Me neither,” whispers Isak back, with a softness he didn't even know he had inside.

"Your eyes, baby," Even says, shaking his head and looking into Isak's eyes all the time, and suddenly it's difficult to breathe. "I think I'm dying a bit inside. So fucking beautiful up close."

Isak tries, he really tries his best to hold his gaze, even when everything is too much to bear. Even keeps piercing his soul with those eyes of his, alternating between looking into Isak's right and left eye, like he doesn't know which one to look into.

"I never thought I'd see them this close," mutters Even, in awe. "But here I am," he smiles fondly. "Looking into your grey-green eyes, shining in the light. They are so beautiful, Isak."

"Yeah?" Isak feels the familiar warmth taking his cheeks, and he is pretty sure by now he's crimson.

He has never been like this, he can't quite recognize himself. Soft. That is the word, he's soft and melting on that windowsill, acting like his body has no weight anymore, and his legs have no strength.

Even keeps staring into Isak's eyes, with love and adoration leaking out of his blue eyes.

"Even?" tries Isak, and he didn't miss how his heart leaped to the mention of that name, or how Even's lashes flickered.

"Sorry, I just got lost in your eyes," says Even, and then something happens. Even's face cracks into the biggest of the smiles, and it's so beautiful. Even is so beautiful. Isak smirks automatically.

"Did it give you a heart boner?" says Isak with raised eyebrows and a smug smile, holding Even's gaze bravely, despite his whole body asking for a break for those feelings treating to make him explode.

"Yes," Even grins like the sun. "I definitely have a heart boner."

Then Even laughs. He laughs openly until his eyes disappear into two lines.

_Fuck my life._

Isak stares, and stares, like an idiot, parting lips and feeling his heart clenching inside.

Isak smirks and it's caught off guard when Even's eyes crack open and they are too blue under the direct light. So light and beautiful. It's like a punch in the pit of the stomach. Even looks at him like he wants to suck his soul. It's too much.

"What?" asks Even frowning slightly.

"Stop looking at me like that..."

"Like what?" Even's brows twitch and his gaze roams Isak's whole face.

"I don't know," says Isak, shaking his head. "You always look to people like that?"

"I don't look at anyone the way I look at you."

All the muscles of Isak's face lose all at once. And he sighs. He fucking sighs. _Jesus._

"Why?" Isak's voice is barely a whisper, he asks it, averting eyes and staring at Even's chest instead. He knows why, and this knowledge gives him butterflies in his stomach.

"Because I love you."

Isak has no time to raise his eyes with his heart in his throat before Even grabs his hand and presses the softest kiss there, then stroking it with his thumb.

Isak throws him a glance with droopy eyes. Who does that? Who? His lips curve up in the corners, shyly.

"Hm..." he mumbles as Even just waits, trying to chase Isak's face as Isak stares down at his chest instead. "Even?"

Even just hums, putting their palms together and intertwining their fingers, their rings clicking.

Isak's eyes close for a while, and he swallows hard.

He has to look at it. He has to. So he looks down at their hands, the matching shining metal around their fingers and when he looks up again, his eyes are green and light and glowing with wonder. He gives Even a crooked smile.

"Isak?" asks Even softly. And Isak loves the way his name sounds on those lips. Fuck, those lips. "Weren't you gonna say something?" asks Even amused, derailing his train of thoughts.

"Hm..." starts Isak, gasping softly when Even brings his free hand to caress his cheek, touching it delicately, like he is trying to test their boundaries.

"I just wasn't expecting you to be that beautiful."

Isak feels his cheeks heating up inside out, but before Isak can be ashamed of it, Even leans in and gives him a succession of quick pecks that makes him dizzy.  _Wow._

When Isak open his eyes again, he meets Even looking at him with a serious expression that makes him confused. He shakes his head like saying  _What?_

"Don't you dare call me bro ever again."

"I don't know, it seems to extract interesting responses from you," Isak smiles smugly.

"I'm not making out with a bro!" Even's voice cracks as he pulls back with a hand on his heart.

"Maybe you can make out just a little?" Isak raises his eyebrows, smiling like a little devil. "Bro?" Isak puts emphasis to the "o", ending with his lips in a heart shaped format he keeps as he tits his chin up for Even, teasingly.

And Isak didn't miss how natural and comfortable he feels in his own skin, and this is amazing. He can't quite recognize himself.

Even laughs until his eyes disappear, and it's fucking beautiful.

"Seriously?" says Even leaning in until their lips almost touch, pulling back when Isak tries to chase his lips. "Not making out with a _bro_ ".

Even mimics Isak, keeping his plump lips in that "o" format that makes Isak lean in automatically. But Even just pulls back until he is basically arching his back.

Isak squeezes his eyes and studies him, and then his expression softens all at once.

"You really don't like this bro thing?"

Even just shakes his head, and it's so cute that Isak has to touch him, has to show him some reassurance. He brings a hand to brush Even's hair from his forehead. And he didn't miss how he keeps his eyes closed for a second. Isak wants to scream from the top of the world  _I'm touching my boyfriend!_

"Me boyfriend, Jonas bro. Got it?" mutters Even, and there is no hint of amusement there.

"Not really, say it again?" Isak says it tilting his chin up and biting his lower lip, smirking in response to Even's grin.

"I," starts Even catching his lip in his own. "Even Bech Naesheim," he pecks him. "Am your boyfriend."

Isak kisses him back.

"I'm yours," adds Even in a deep and low voice that does things to Isak.

"I'm yours," says Isak back so softly that he doesn't know who has taken his body.

Isak feels weak in his legs.

And the way Even looks at him after that doesn't exactly help him to chill out. Neither does the smile that spreads across Even's face. Neither does Even's eyes staring at him that blue. Neither those lips, parted, cherry, full, and so fucking inviting.

So when Isak all but dives into them, it shouldn't surprise none of them. But it does, Isak swallows Even's surprised gasp and doesn't know what he is doing, but then Even cups both his cheeks again and kisses him like Isak has just asked him to give the best kiss of his life.

And Even does. Again and again, one after another.

 

**That night...**

 

> _To: isakyaki@gmail.com_
> 
> _From:ebn1997@gmail.com_
> 
> _Subject: Heart boner_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _I'm in love. Totally, completely, utterly in love. ♡_

_._

_._  

> To: ebn1997@gmail.com 
> 
> From:isakyaki@gmail.com
> 
> Subject: Re: Heart boner
> 
> * * *
> 
> I'm in love too. Wholeheartedly, entirely, absurdly in love. _♡_

**Author's Note:**

> Let us know what you think!  
> Find us on tumblr if you want some spoilers or how Isak/Even look like after reading each others notes  
> www.loveevak21.tumblr.com  
> www.nessauepa.tumblr.com


End file.
